This year, I resolve to ...
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the Tl.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Not have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
18. Speak in a monotone voice and only use mono-syllabic words.
19. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
20. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
21. Not eat cloned meat.
22. Create loose ends.
23. Get more toys.
24. Get further in debt.
25. Not believe Bill Clinton.
26. Break at least one traffic law.
27. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
28. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
29. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
30. Stay off the MIR space station.
31. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
32. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
33. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
34. Associate with even worse business clients.
35. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
36. Not take spaceship rides behind comets.
37. Not try to escape from a maximum security prison.
38. Wait around for opportunity.
39. Focus on the faults of others.
40. Mope about my faults.
41. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly --- from the sky --- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

January 4, 2000


Dear << Your name here >>

Re: Vacation Pay

From: Human Resources

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing

How Women See Football

"What if Data (from "Star Trek, The Next Generation") were Microsoft Windows compatible?"

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.

PICARD: On screen.

The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.

PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?

DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?

PICARD: Make it so.

The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.

PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

DATA: Aye, sir.

Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.

WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

PICARD: Shields up!

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. To Data Control-alt-delete, Data.

Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.

DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.

LaForge pulls Data's left ear.

PICARD: Shields . . .

There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.

PICARD: Up, Data!

DATA: Aye, sir.

RIKER: All decks, damage report!

WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.

Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.

DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.

WORF: Aye, sir. He punches buttons on the weapons console.

PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.

PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.

DATA: Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?

RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

LAFORGE: (in a surprised voice) What!!? I thought you still had them!

PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?

DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant 1.

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Abort!

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Well, fail, then!

DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.

LAFORGE: alarmed Data, what the hell are you doing?

PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.

Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.

PICARD: What's going on?

LAFORGE: (checking the helm console) Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.

The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.

FERENGI: (with a mercenary grin) Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?

An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting,

"How could you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?", to which he replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast."

As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his beautiful black Porsche. He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?" to which she replied,

"That's what happens when you're old and rich!"

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.

Archaeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."

A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."

California smog test: Can UCLA?

The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"

Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
A: Dis-gruntled.

Subject: Happy Valentine's Day: 'bama Style


Kudzu is green,
my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

You're as graceful as okry
jist a-dancin, in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta my wits.

And speakin, of wits,
You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me
Back in '74.

Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant
Upon which I oft' tread.

Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new trollin, motor.

A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked.

The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater."

"How old are you, son?" the officer asked.

"I'm twenty," the boy replied, looking at his watch. "And in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen."

Here's a little list of "Doc-isms"--What doctors say, and (what they're really thinking):

"This should be taken care of right away."
(I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.)

"Welllllll, what have we here ... ?"
(He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.)

"Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
(I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.)
--or--
(I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.)

"We have some good news and some bad news."
(The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.)

"Let's see how it develops."
(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
(I have a forty percent interest in the lab.)

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
(He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.)

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
(I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.)

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
(I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.)

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
(I think I'm going to throw up.)

"This may smart a little."
(Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we ... ?"
(I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)

"This should fix you up."
(The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)

"Everything seems to be normal."
(Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.)

"I'd like to run some more tests."
(I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
(You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
(My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.)

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
(I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.)

DOGGY DICTIONARY

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good ACD's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."

Friday November 11, 1999 (11/19/1999) was the last date of your life in which all the digits are odd numbers. The next odd date will be 1/1/3111. The last all-even digit day was 2/2/2000. (The last all-even day before that was 8/28/888). Have a good, odd day!

The obituary editor of a newspaper was not one to admit his mistakes easily. One day he got a phone call from an irate subscriber. The caller complained that his name had been printed in the obituary column.

"Really?" replied the editor calmly. "And where are you calling From?"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Face sticky."

Dear Dr. Science,

If I put my car battery in backwards, will the horn suck?

Bill Wells, Charlotte, NC

Yes, and it could very well be a viable form of propulsion, albeit a noisy one. The Soviet Scientist Sergei Maschinovskii, called the "Father of the Russian Truck" devised a large vehicle that gulped air into a funnel mounted on the hood, and expelled it noisily out the rear. He called it the Great Flatulator, and hundreds of thousands were manufactured and sold behind the iron curtain. You could hear one coming a mile away, which inadvertently contributed to its high safety rating. No one ever failed to know when a Flatulator was near.

Because I'm a Guy

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is OK, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my Mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the year 2000, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

There was a man walking along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it.The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes."

The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."


Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account."

Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women."

Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

The Letter

I Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! Go! GO! Jesus Christ, Go!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

The Witness


A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then? "

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm..." the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.... Some things you just can't explain."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he would like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents."

"Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head bowed, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Subject: :-) Bad pick up lines


Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?

Say, I really like that dress you're wearing. Betcha it'd look great hanging from my bedroom lamp.

I'd love to take you out for breakfast ... shall I call you or nudge you?

If I could rearange the alphabet I would put U and I together.

Hey Baby, the word of the day is your legs. Let's go home and spread the word.

Hey you know what would look good on you .......... me.

Excuse me. Are you a model, or are you just fine enough to be one?

You may not like me now .... but you're drinking BEER.

Excuse me, but do you know CPR? Because you just took my breath away!

Hey there, how would you like to wear those clothes to work tomorrow?

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make the BED ROCK.

Hey baby, I got two words for you ... HOLIDAY INN.

I may not be the best looking one in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

If I was the milk man ...... would I have to leave it on the porch .... or could I bring it all the way in?

You know what I want, and I know you have it with you .....

Hey baby, mind if I take off my pants?

Is that a cornucopia in your pocket, or are you just thankful to see me?

Lets go back to my place and break some furniture.

I'm gonna ride you like a Harley on a bad piece 'o road!

Baby, you must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day.

Subject: The Male Chauvinist

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work! But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, is was a great dinner, Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away." "I really enjoyed my evening." she went on to say. "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

Normal Taters
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one --- a real SWEET POTATO whom they called "YAM".

They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

She said not to worry - - - no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped.

She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho P.U" - that's Potato University - where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.

But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Dan Rather.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a
. . . . COMMON TATER!!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini-van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and spend the night with her?"

"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did.

Why do you ask?"

"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!"

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet, than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . ."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said,
"Dust!"

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
"Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Most people have become accustomed to slamming Bill Gates. It happens when you become the richest man in the universe, I guess. Personally, I think what this man has done has changed every life in world, in one way or another, and that is one thing you have to respect, good or bad. Here are some excerpts from his own book, extracted and edited by readers.

RULE 1
Life is not fair; get used to it.

RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss. He/She doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it OPPORTUNITY.

RULE 6
If you mess up, it's not your parents fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents generation, try "delousing" the closet in your own room.

RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9
Life is hot divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

A pretty woman is driving down a country road late at night, when something goes wrong with her new sports car. Luckily, it breaks down near a large farmhouse. She walks to the farmhouse, and knocks on the door. The farmer answers, and she cries, "My car just broke down and I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow, when I can get some help?"

"Well," drawls the farmer, "I guess y'can stay, but I don't want you messin' with my boys, Jed and Luke."

She peers through the screen door, and sees two attractive young men in their early 20's standing behind the farmer.

"Okay," she says.

After everyone went to bed for the night, the woman began fantasizing about the two boys in the next room. To her surprise, she began to get aroused. She tiptoed into their room, and whispered, "Boys, how would you like me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They look at each other, and the older one says, "Uhh, OK." She explains what she wants to do, and then says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these condoms." She slips them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. "Hey, Luke!" Jed says. "Yeah, Jed?" Luke replies. Jed says, "You remember that woman who came by here about forty years ago? You know, the one who showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," Luke says, "I remember." Jed continues: "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" Luke thinks for a moment, and says "No, I reckon not." Jed stands up, and says "Me, neither. Let's take these things off."

To my darling Husband,

I am sending you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with her on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am also doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun! Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last Spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there will be packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring meals to your desk, - just the way you like it. I hope you and the PC have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.


Love, Mary
(Your Wife)

A couple was on their honeymoon, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah. "

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are You doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" she asks.

"I'm still hungry, so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a third time.

When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole."

BOUNCE .... the stuff you use in your dryer:

Repels mosquitoes: Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.

Eliminates static electricity from your television screen: Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.

Dissolves soap scum from shower doors: Clean with a used sheet of Bounce.

Freshens the air in your home: Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang one in the closet.

Prevents thread from tangling: Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce to eliminate the static cling on the thread before sewing.

Eliminates static cling from pantyhose: Rub a damp, used sheet of Bounce over the hose.

Prevents musty suitcases: Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.

Freshens the air in your car: Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.

Cleans baked-on food from a cooking pan: Put a sheet in the pan, fill with water, let sit overnight,and sponge clean. The anti-static agents apparently weaken the bond between the food and the pan while the fabric softening agents soften the baked-on food.

Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.

Collects cat hair: Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.

Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.

Wipes up sawdust from drilling or sand papering: A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.

Eliminates odors in dirty laundry: Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.

Deodorizes shoes or sneakers: Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight so they'll smell great in the morning.



Coca Cola ... hmmmm!

To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca Cola.

To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the tern-terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan- wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.

It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

and...WE DRINK THIS STUFF !?!

Office 2000 ?

When God Made Moms

By the time the Lord made mothers, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An Angel appeared and said "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic; have 200 movable parts, all replaceable; run on black coffee and leftovers; have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she stands up; have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands."

The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. "Six pairs of hands! No Way!" said the Angel.

The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!"

"And that's just on the standard model?" The Angel asked.

The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yes, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing even though she already knows. Another pair in the back of her head, are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her without even saying a single word."

The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I can't!" the Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower."

The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"Yes, she is soft", the Lord agreed, "But I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the inquisitive Angel.

The Lord smiled and replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate."

The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak." The Lord objected. "That is a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the Angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride."

The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Truly, You do all things well... Moms are truly amazing!"

Happy Mother's Day!

~ Author unknown ~

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I always have to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone.'"

The man below says, "You must work in Management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

THE NEW SCHOOL PRAYER
This was written by a teen in Bagdad, Arizona.
This is incredible!!!!!!!!!!!


Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen

You know you worked during the 90's if ....

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different organizations.

Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You learn about your layoff on the news.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries gross national products combined.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Communication is something your section is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "in the hospital".

You're already late on the work task you just got.

You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.

"Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January.

Your relatives and family describe your job as "working with computers".

Your business cards are no longer correct just a month after you receive them.

You have every "Cup-A-Soup" brand known to man in your desk drawer.

You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device.

During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your co-workers outnumber your family members.

You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides, the Human Resources Department was out sourced last month.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost your best jokes.

You read this entire list and understood it.

1. We know stuff about guns

2. A 2-week trip requires only one suitcase

3. We can open all our own jars

4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group

5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name

6. We can leave a motel bed unmade

7. We can kill our own food

8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

9. Wedding plans take care of themselves

10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend

11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack

12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices

13. Everything on our faces stays the original color

14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough

15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming

16. Car mechanics tell us the truth

17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."

18. Same work-more pay

19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character

20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift

21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends

22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors

24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public

25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes

26. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades

27. We don't have to shave below the neck

28. A few belches are expected and tolerated

29. Our belly usually hides our big hips

30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons

31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife

32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache

33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'"

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were pre-pubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has been only one Pope.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

They have never feared nuclear war.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and bottles plastic.

Atari predates them as do vinyl albums. The expression you sound like a broken record means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player.

They have never heard of an 8 track. The compact disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels nor have they seen a black and white TV. They have always had cable.

There has always been VCR's but they have no idea what BETA is. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by SONY.

Roller skating has always meant in-line for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is an ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II, and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where has was from.

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "DE plane, DE plane".

They do not care who shot J.R. or have not any idea who J.R. is.

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places not musical groups.

McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies.

The Game

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "Nope...... they're all at the funeral."

I'll get a world record for this.

It Is fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

What does this button do?

I'm making a citizen's arrest.

So, you're a cannibal.

It's probably just a rash.

Are you sure the power is off?

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

Let it down slowly.

Rat poison only kills rats.

Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.

It's strong enough for both of us.

This doesn't It taste right.

I can make this light before it changes.

Nice doggie.

I can do that with my eyes closed.

I've done this before.

Well, we've made it this far.

That's odd.

You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?

Don't be so superstitious.

Now watch this.

Are You An Internet Addict?


Hello.

Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.

We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpale tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer or Web tv box?
10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at: 1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE.

We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.

Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked - actually 11 but . . .

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair.

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died.

Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.

Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army, another had two sons captured.

Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.

They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr, noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart.

Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.

Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor."

They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't fight just the British. We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government!

Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't. So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid. Remember: freedom is never free! I hope you will show your support by please sending this to as many people as you can. It's time we get the word out that patriotism is NOT a sin, and the Fourth of July has more to it than beer, picnics, and baseball games.

A Californian, a Coloradan, and an Texan, attending a convention in a little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.

The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass against the back wall, smashing it to pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high in California that they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Texan finished drinking his Marguerita, and threw HIS glass against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in Texas not only were they all rich from oil, but they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Coloradan drank his beer, drew a revolver, and shot the Californian and the Texan. As he was returning the gun to his holster, he told the wide-eyed bartender that in Colorado they had so many Texans and Californians that they never had to drink with the same ones twice.

TENDJEWBERRYMUD


Meant to be read aloud (for the full effect).
Its amazing, you will understand what 'tendjewberrymud' means by the end of the conversation.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....


Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July dee aches?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem... crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes! ... why djew Don Juan toes? ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No ... just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter... just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy... tea ... mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy.... rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

"You're welcome"

A ten year old boy was failing math.

His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.

The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

You can't be cool if you're using outdated lingo. Here's the latest from the corporate and Silicon Valley jungles:

"batmobiling"
-Putting up emotional shields, from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile as in "She started talking marriage and he started batmobiling."


"beepilepsy"
-Afflicts those with vibrating pagers characterized by sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of speech.


"betamaxed"
-When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market."


"blowing your buffer"
-Losing your train of thought.


"cobweb"
-A WWW site that never changes.


"Elvis year"
-The peak year of popularity as in "1993" was Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year.


"generica"
-Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "We were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was."


"going postal"
-Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages.

"high dome"
-Egghead, scientist, PhD.


"irritainment"
-Annoying but you can't stop watching e.g. the O.J. trial.


"meatspace"
-The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL".


"percussive maintenance"
-The fine art of whacking a device to get it working.


"prairie dogging"
-In companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone pops up to look.


"ribs 'n' dick"
-A budget with no fat as in "We've got ribs 'n' dick and we're supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades."


"salmon day"
-Swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end.


"siliwood"
-The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers also "hollywired."


"square headed girlfriend" (boyfriend)
-Computer.


"treeware"
-Manuals and documentation.


"umfriend"
-Sexual relationship "this is Dale, my. . . um... friend"


"world wide wait"
-WWW.


"yuppie food coupons"
-Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.

Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room chirps, "There's a calendar behind you."

Two good old boys from the south were driving a truck through the backroads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3".

They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4 inches tall.

"What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck.

The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance," he said.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

religion, royalty, sex, mystery

The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

In Ireland, Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor. While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard. Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse." The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant." Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?" The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock.The redneck gets emotionally involved.

What's the most popular pick-up line in Alabama?
Nice tooth!

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
A documentary.

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
Interstate-40

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,"Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK. U . . . five?"

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

How long does a redneck cook his meat?
Until the tire tracks disappear.

Subject: How to Handle those Rejection Letters:


Dear Mr. [name]:

Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your name here]

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him.... is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide.... is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to talk?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-thru bank machines?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

The Airplane

One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you. You take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

Oh Canada

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?" "What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

IF CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK . . . THE BEST THING TO SAY:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top of the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. " I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

1. "... and in Jesus' name. Amen."

The state trooper was driving down the highway when, much to his surprise, he saw a truck driver pull over, walk to the side of his truck with a crowbar, bang on the side of truck several times, then continue on down the highway. Two miles down the road the trucker repeated the procedure, then did it again two miles farther on down. Though the driver had not broken any laws, the patrolman's curiosity got the best of him. He pulled the man over and asked him to explain. "It's simple," said the driver. "My load limit is two tons, and there are four tons worth of parakeets back there. If I don't keep half of them airborne, I'm in trouble."

Sentences Taken from Actual Letters Received by the Welfare Department:


- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of papers.

- I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

- Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

- I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

- I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

- This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

- Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.

- I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

- In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I Hope this is satisfactory.

- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

- My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

- Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

- You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

- I have no children as yet as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

- In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

- I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation." Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?"

Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK." He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.

"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.

"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So while I was operating I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too.I think it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my ... "

"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!"

Seems a little far-fetched, but who knows?


"Something else to watch out for before you sit down."

An article by Dr. Beverly Clark, in the Journal of the United Medical Association (JUMA), the mystery behind a recent spate of deaths has been solved. If you haven't already heard about it in the news, here is what happened.

Three women in Chicago, turned up at hospitals over a 5-day period, all with the same symptoms. Fever, chills, and vomiting, followed by muscular collapse, paralysis, and finally, death. There were no outward signs of trauma. Autopsy results showed toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other, and seemed to have nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same restaurant (Big Chappies, at Blare Airport), within days of their deaths. The health department descended on the restaurant, shutting it down. The food, water, and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail.

The big break came when a waitress at the restaurant was rushed to the hospital with similar symptoms. She told doctors that she had been on vacation, and had only went to the restaurant to pick up her check. She did not eat or drink while she was there, but had used the restroom. That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove out to the restaurant, went into the restroom, and lifted the toilet seat.

Under the seat, out of normal view, was a small spider. The spider was captured and brought back to the lab, where it was determined to be the South American Blush Spider (arachnius gluteus), so named because of its reddened flesh color. This spider's venom is extremely toxic, but can take several days to take effect. They live in cold, dark, damp, climates, and toilet rims provide just the right atmosphere.

Several days later a lawyer from Los Angeles showed up at a hospital emergency room. Before his death, he told the doctor, that he had been away on business, had taken a flight from New York, changing planes in Chicago, before returning home. He did not visit Big Chappies while there. He did,as did all of the other victims, have what was determined to be a puncture wound, on his right buttock. Investigators discovered that the flight he was on had originated in South America. The Civilian Aeronautics Board (CAB) ordered an immediate inspection of the toilets of all flights from South America, and discovered the Blush spider's nests on 4 different planes!

It is now believed that these spiders can be anywhere in the country. So please, before you use a public toilet, lift the seat to check for spiders. It can save your life!

Two golfers lost a ball in the woods. As they were searching for it they came upon a hole so deep they couldn't see the bottom... So they took a near by rock and threw it in. They didn't hear it hit the bottom. Figuring they needed to only find something big to make a lot of noise when it hit bottom they rolled a small bolder into the hole ... They never heard it hit bottom. The searched frantically for something ever bigger and came up with a large and heavy rail road tie. They both grunted and groaned to toss it into the hole ... no sound of the heavy tie hitting bottom came to their ears. They both stood at the edge of the great and bottomless hole. Then from the distance coming closer at a fast pace was a crashing galloping sound. Very shortly they spied a goat coming at them at a dead run.. The Goat jumped straight into the gaping hole. The golfers were wondering what caused the goat to jump into the hole, when a farmer came up and asked them if they has seen his goat? With a worried expression the men told him about the goat that had charged them to jump into the hole. The Farmer said "Nope, That couldn't be my goat. My goat was tied to a rail road tie."

A Doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, "You aren't very good in bed either!" and stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided held better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign. It says, "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which reads, "Now there are two."

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange . . ."

"Let me be the judge of that.", the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see.", The doctor replied.

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh." said the doctor.

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "l'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."

(Ready for this?)



(l'm warning you,)



(Still not too late. . . )



"You're simply going through the change."

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "And while you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too."

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

100 Senators: Not 1 decision

This is just too weird!

Follow the Yellow Rock Road

A Freudian analysis of 'The Wizard of Oz'

By HELEN KENNEDY
Daily News Staff Writer

Call it Dark Side of the Rainbow. Classic rockers are buzzing about the amazingly weird connections that leap off the screen when you play Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" as the soundtrack to "The Wizard of Oz."

It sounds wacky, but there really is a bizarre synchronization there. The lyrics and music join in cosmic synch with the action, forming dozens upon dozens of startling coincidences the kind that make you go "Oh wow, man" even if you haven't been near a bong in 20 years.

Consider these examples. Floyd sings "the lunatic is on the grass" just as the Scarecrow begins his floppy jig near a green lawn. The line "got to keep the loonies on the path" comes just before Dorothy and the Scarecrow start traipsing down the, Yellow Brick Road.

When deejay George Taylor Morris at WZLX-FM in Boston first mentioned the phenom on the air six weeks ago, he touched off a frenzy.

"The phones just blew off the wall. It started on a Friday, and that first weekend you couldn't get a copy of 'The Wizard of Oz' anywhere in Boston," he said. "People were staying home to check it out."

It's fun, he said, because everyone knows the movie, and the album which spent a record-busting 591 straight weeks on the Billboard charts can be found in practically every record collection.

Dave Herman at WNEW-FM in New York mentioned the buzz a few weeks ago. The response more than 2,000 letters was the biggest ever in the deejay's 25-year on-air career.

"It has been just unbelievable," said WNEW program director Mark Chernoff. "I've never seen anything like this."

The station plans to show the movie using the album as soundtrack at a small private screening tomorrow.

Rock fans always have loved to speculate about hidden messages in their favorite albums. But seeking connections between the beloved 1939 classic kid flick and the legendary 1973 acid-rock album pushes the envelope of the music conspiracy genre.

Nobody from the publicity-shy band would comment, but Morris asked keyboardist Richard Wright about it on the air last month. He looked flummoxed and said he'd never heard of any intentional connections between the movie and the album.

But the fans aren't convinced it's just a cosmic coincidence.

"I'm a musician myself and I know how hard it is just to write music, let alone music choreographed to action," said drummer Alex Harm, of Lowell, Mass., who put up one of the two Internet web pages devoted to the synchroneities. "To make it match up so well, you'd have to plan it."

Morris is convinced that ex-front man Roger Waters planned the whole thing without letting his fellow band members in on the secret.

"It's too close. It's just too close. Look at the song titles. Look at the cover. There's something going on there," Morris said.

Here's how it works. You start the album at the exact moment when the MGM lion finishes its third and last roar. It might take a few times to get everything lined up just right.

Then, just sit back and watch. It'll blow your mind, man.

During "Breathe," Dorothy teeters along a fence to the lyric: "balanced on the biggest wave."

The Wicked Witch, in human form, first appears on her bike at the same moment a burst of alarm bells sounds on the album.

During "Time," Dorothy breaks into a trot to the line: "no one told you when to run."

When Dorothy leaves the fortuneteller to go back to her farm, the album is playing: "home, home again."

Glinda, the cloyingly saccharine Good Witch of the North, appears in her bubble just as the band sings: "Don't give me that do goody goody bull --- t."

A few minutes later, the Good Witch confronts the Wicked Witch as the band sings, "And who knows which is which" (or is that "witch is witch"?).

The song "Brain Damage" starts about the same time as the Scarecrow launches into "If I Only Had a Brain."

But it's not just the weird lyrical coincidences. Songs end when scenes switch, and even the Munchkins, dancing is perfectly choreographed to the song "Us and Them."

The phenomenon is at its most startling during the tornado scene, when the wordless singing in "The Great Gig in the Sky" swells and recedes in strikingly perfect time with the movie.

When Dorothy opens the door into Oz, the movie switches to rich color and that exact moment the album starts in with the tinkling cash register sound effects from "Money."

Anyone who has ever nursed a hangover watching MTV with the sound off and the radio on can tell you how quick the brain is to turn music into a soundtrack for pictures. But this is uncanny.

The real fanatics will point out that side one of the vinyl album is the exact length of the black-and-white portion of the movie. And then there's that iconic album cover, with its prism and rainbow echoing the movie's famous black-and-white-into-color switch not to mention Judy Garland's classic first song.

The real clincher, though, the moment where even the most skeptical of cynics has to utter a small "whoa!," comes at the end of the album, which tails off with the insistent sound of a beating heart.

What's happening on screen? Yep, you guessed it: Dorothy's got her ear to the Tin Man's chest, listening for a heartbeat.

Maybe it's just a string of coincidences. Maybe the mind is just playing some really cool tricks. Maybe some people just have waaaay too much time on their hands.

Or maybe, as Pink Floyd sings to close out the album, everything under the sun really is in tune.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate.. He asks the waiter, "Whats with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because the oily bird gets the worm.

When she told me I was average she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

VICE PRESIDENT GORE
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.

SENATOR LIEBERMAN
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.

SECRETARY CHENEY
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER
Chickens are misled into believing their is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it-the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"?

Could you define "chicken" please?

The Morons Ballot





The Baby Proof Ballot





For Poor Eye Site Ballot

A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded. What did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me." "He sure did, lady," said the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Snow Storm

A lady was lost in her car in a bad snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded, and said, "Well I'm through with the Wal-mart lot, now you can follow me over to the K-mart."

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK. Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

(really, really listen to this one) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway...

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. NO, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

While traveling home from a business trip a man traveling at 60 miles an hour in a 45 mile an hour zone topped a hill just in time to see a state trooper turn on his flashing red and blue lights. As the police car pulled out behind the man's car the man thought to himself, "I can out run this guy," and increased his speed to 70 miles an hour.

With the police car still in pursuit he accelerated to 80, then 90, then 100 miles an hour. Before long he decided it was of no hope and pulled over to the side of the road. The officer walked up to the side of the man's vehicle and shouted, "I have had a very bad day and am in no mood to stand out here in this heat giving you a ticket. Just give me a good reason why you were driving so fast and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a minute, then said, "Well, officer, my wife left me about three weeks ago for a state trooper. When I saw your lights come on, I thought you were him and you were trying to bring her back."

The officer let him go.

A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what Is the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

No More Christmas!

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

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