A married man was visiting his "girl friend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!" "Oh please?" the girl friend asked again, in a sexy little voice... "Oh really, I can't," he replies.. "My wife loves this beard!!" The girl friend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.

That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel , climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said,"That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Al Gore was invited to a high level meeting at the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, Al told his wife, Tipper, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, " if I become President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"

Later, when Tipper had lunch with Hillary at a Democratic fund raiser, she told Hillary how impressed Al had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood"

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth. "And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them, And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game.

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and bringing with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO'S.

What Not to say to a Police Officer . . .

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.(OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must have been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not going check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son.... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."

New Key for Keyboards!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows."

"When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They ... for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad that you called.

Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific.

Great!

Thanks.

Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization (especially a Macintosh snicker, snicker!!).

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects this one personally at that precise moment.

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?

2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

3. If they start out with, How are you today? say, Why do you want to know? Or you can say, I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eye lashes are sore, my dog just died.... When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger Peck Services .... You: Hang on a second. (few seconds pause) okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?

6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN? Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

7. Say, No, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, I don't have any friends ... would you be my friend?

9. If they clean rugs: Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?

10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional Uh-huh, really, or, That's fascinating. Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example:
Telemarketer: This is Bill from Widget Associates.
You: Widget Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?
Telemarketer: Uh, Dallas, Texas.
You: Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, well, I don't really want to get a call at home say, Ya! Now you know how I feel. (smiling, of course ...)

This 75 year old woman had a vision one night, she saw and spoke to God. She asked him, "How much time do I have to live?" He said, "You have 35 years left."

So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she had a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction, she, completely did herself over. She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years she was going to look young again. After all this was done, that same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly.

When she entered St. Peter's gate she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years!"

God replied, "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!"

Here are some really GOOD questions that you probably never thought to ask:


Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? - Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? - And what's with this handbasket?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the toilet, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my preaous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldnt come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My step mother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

I've used up all my sick days ... so I'm calling in dead!

After an automobile accident, drivers are asked to summarize on the insurance form the details of the accident. People turned loose with a pen and an insurance form have produced some funny comments.


Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society...


DIRECTRA -a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA -Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA -Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks-especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA -In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA -Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA -Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NAGA-SPORTAGRA -This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA -This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA -This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on viagra.

PRYAGRA -About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA -This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

This makes sense. Be careful!

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why.

I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 44 miles is not bumper to bumper.

I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449, according to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98, and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that, has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off."

What a Difference 30 Years Makes

1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: KEG
2000: EKG

1970: Acid rock
2000: Acid reflux

1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2000: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1970: Our President's struggle with Fidel
2000: Our President's struggle with fidelity

1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BMW

1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Receiving a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principals office
2000: Calling the principals office

1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Passing the driver's test
2000: Passing the vision test

1970: Whatever
2000: Depends

At The Door

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

10. Ellen DeGeneres -- Suffocates in the closet
9. Susan Lucci -- Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
8. Jenny McCarthy -- Struck by a random thought
7. Frank Sinatra -- Killed by Strangers in the Night
6. RuPaul -- Prostate cancer
5. O.J. Simpson -- Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide
4. Madonna -- Exposure
3. Ted Kaszynski -- Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
2. Al Gore -- Dutch Elm Disease
1. Bill Gates -- Falls out of a Window

1. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

3. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, steals your french fries, craps over everything and then leaves.

4. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

5. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

6. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

7. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see whats going on.

9. Sitcoms: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

10. Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

11. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

12. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

13. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

14. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.

15. Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

16. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from ones workplace.

17. Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

18. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here.

19. Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

20. Chips and Salsa: Chips-hardware, salsa-software. Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa.

21. Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

22. GOOD Job: A Get-Out-Of-Debt job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

23. Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

24. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

25. Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. See also Decruitment.

26. Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

27. Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMS everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: We owe $10 each, but all anybodys got is yuppie food stamps.

ARE YOU A BITCH?

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist".

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....
Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you now .... Wash, Iron, F..., Etc."

The second women answers before being asked -"BITCH."
"What exactly is a BITCH?!?", they ask in unison.
"Babe In Total Control of Herself."

So ladies, next time somebody calls you "Bitch"
SMILE ... and say "Thank You!!"

MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY! PASS THIS ONE ON TO AS MANY WOMEN YOU KNOW!

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

This is pretty neat how it works out.
This is cool chocolate math!!!!!!!
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It only takes about a minute.......
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.



1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10).



2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)



3. Add 5. (for Sunday)



4. Multiply it by 50 (being a bit stupid)
I'll wait while you get the calculator................



5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1751...If you Haven't it yet, add 1750.



6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. (if you remember) You should have a three digit number......



















































The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are your age.

IMPRESSIVE ISN'T IT?
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2001) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

A SENIOR MOMENT

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through it..

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it again. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row !!! You could have killed us."

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit, am I driving?"

I like big cars, big tits, and big cigars.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, dammit.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang.

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think Oprah is a big fat pig.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.

In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of senior senior high school, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it.

This also applies to sexuality.

Hillary Clinton is a carpet-munching lesbian.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich.

I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Rev. Jessie Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and and not the solution.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull you over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation the world for the next four years.

I worry about dying before I get even.

I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I enjoy watching high speed pursuits, the more damage the better.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

I believe if she has her lips on your dick, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when she is a fat pig with self esteem issues, and if you are President of the United States.

If that makes me a bad American, then yes, I'm a bad American. If you too are a bad American please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back!!!

The Little Green Snake

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing in a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him in the butt.

He thought the snake had bitten him, so he fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, and she sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, and the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.

She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.


Time passed -----------------


Both men were discharged from the hospital;
The house was rebuilt;
The police acquired a new car;
and all was right with their world.


About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.

The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him!!!!!!!!

I always wanted a, hopped-up muscle car when I was younger. But, there was a problem. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have-one.

It is a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.

I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate and swerve to avoid him, and this over-aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.

Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you f --- ing idiot."

I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "a--hole" at me again. Twice? F--- that. So I turn around and drive up next to her.

"Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"

"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"

"You were speeding. I watched you."

"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator, I am.)

"I heard you."

"So, you measured my speed by ear?"

"I can hear."

"How fast did you HEAR me going?"

"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.

"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.

She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal." I began feeling a little overheated as the gears in the back of my head start to turn.

"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop, "which makes them street legal as a replacements."

Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?"

The cop says, "No, I am not."

I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."

"What?" the cop looks confused.

"Also she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry vs. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."

The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."

"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!

Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.

Yeah, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God.

Subject: FW: ** HP to Address Employee Burnout


** HP to Address Employee Burnout **


Hewlett-Packard company today announced that it would take steps to bring its employee burnout rate in line with industry averages.

"HP traditionally has very low burnout rates of 2-3% annually," said spokesperson Lucy Sansouci. "The industry average is over five percent. Our most successful competitors average eight percent."

The company measures burnout rate by a complex formula involving unannounced departures, work-related shouting matches, and employee heart attacks.

HP plans to address the "burnout gap" with a series of measures, including:

- Shortening project schedules by 3% per month, 36% per year

- High cholesterol menus in the cafeteria

- Smaller cubicles and less air circulation

- Employee directed layoffs, determined by "Survivor" style secret ballots

- Eliminating one-fifth of managerial positions

- More frequent communication from the Executive Council

"Bringing our burnout numbers in line benefits everybody," said Ms. Sansouci. "Shareholders benefit from the improved earnings. Employees benefit because profit sharing money is spread over a smaller base. This is the creative approach to reinvention that shows the world we are working in a garage."


Jack Cassidy

All In One (AIO) Division

San Diego

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said,"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

LIP PRINTS

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers and then there are teachers.

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That Is what Is wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray, asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my son asked.

"Cross my heart." Then in theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul and my soul is good already."

The End

I loved this story, I hope you like it too. Please keep it moving.
God Bless.

A man pulled into a service station for a fill-up. As the attendant was pumping gas, he noticed that there were several dozen penguins in the back seat of the car.

"How come you have all these penguins in your car?", he asked.

"Well, you see, I was driving down the road and I came upon this crowd of penguins. They were all standing in the road. I was worried that they would get run over by the traffic. So, I collected them up and put them in my car."

"You know", said the attendant, "You really ought to take them to the zoo."

"Good ideal", replied the man. "I had been thinking that would be a good place for them."

On the following weekend, the man showed up at the service station for another fill-up. As the attendant was pumping gas, he noticed that the back seat of the car was still full of penguins.

"Hey.... I thought you were going to take these penguins to the zoo." Said the attendant, a little disturbed.

"Oh, I did." said the man. "And we had such a fun time that this weekend I'm taking them to the beach!"

Things to do at Wal*Mart when your bored!!

1. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

2. Put M&M's on layaway.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.

4. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

5. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

6. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.

7. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

8. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

9. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

10. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you floss your teeth.

11. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

12. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

13. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

14. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms.

15. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

16. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

17. Sit on a chair and read a book for hours.

18. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"

19. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

20. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.


And last, but not least ...

21. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him.

He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect DOUBLE EAGLE! He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

Old Mildred

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted into the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Driver's License Photo

A man went to get his driver's license renewed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Deer Hunter

The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license.

"This is last year's license," the warden informed him.

"I know," said the hunter, "but I shouldn't need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year."

Famous Last Words

Two husbands, Chad and Sherm, were discussing their married lives.

Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.

Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said Sherm, "How do you manage that?"

"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear."'

A guy sitting in the bar says to the girl sitting next to him "I'm a car salesman and if I don't sell some cars I'm going to lose my ass."

The girl turns and says "I'm a hooker and if I don't sell some ass I'll lose my car."

Headstone

A Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear-everything there was!

Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered a Big Mac for her along with extra fries and refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie-the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

Words of Wisdom

You may have read or heard this wisdom before, but I have not see anyone explain it as well as Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

And here's how it went:

"Well ya' see Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

My son came home from school one day, with a silly grin on his face, He thought he was smarter than me, his Mom, and could put me in my place.

HE SAID:
Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright, It's about the laws of the land today, its called THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.

IT SAID:
I don't have to clean my room,
I don't have to cut my hair.
Nobody can tell me what to eat,
My freedom of speech is guaranteed.
Its my choice of what I read, or watch on TV.

I have freedom of religion,
and regardless of what you say,
I don't have to ask your God for help ---
I DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.

I can wear an earring in my ear,
And, if I want, can pierce my nose.
It's my choice if I so desire,
to tattoo Satan's numbers across my toes.

AND if you try to spank me,
I will charge you with the crime,
and I can back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

HE SAID:
Don't ever touch me,
this body is only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses and stuff,
that's just another form of child abuse.

HE CONTINUED WITH:
Don't fill my head with morals,
like your mama did to you,
That's what's called mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
you can't do a thing to me,
I can call Children's Services,
better known as C. S. D.


MY TURN!!!!

My very first impression was,
to toss this boy out the door,
But here was a chance to teach him a lesson,
for once and ever more.

I took my time and mulled it over,
I couldn't let this go.
This kid of mine didn't realize,
that he was messing with a pro!

AND AWAY WE GO.............
The next day we went shopping,
and in spite of every plea,
I didn't buy him 501's or shirts designed by Nike.

I had called and talked to C. S. D.,
they said they didn't care,
if I bought him K-Mart shoes,
or a pair of Nike Airs.

AND THEN: I canceled his appointment to test his driving skills,
I'd probably be dead by now, if only looks could kill!

I SAID:
There's no time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch,
I think you should follow C. S. D.I's advice,
And make yourself a sack lunch.

So, what if you are too hungry,
to wait 'til dinner time?
Well, we're having liver and onions,
Cause it's a favorite dish of mine.

He ASKED: Can we stop to get a movie,
so I can watch it on the VCR?
Absolutely not! I sold the TV in your room and bought new tires for my car.

I also rented out your room,
you really don't need a bed.
C.S.D. says all that's required of me is to put a roof over your head.

I only have to buy your clothes,
and the food that you must eat,
The money you used to get for an allowance, will buy me something neat.

No more eating after we shop,
no more joking along the way,
I too have a BILL OF RIGHTS,
that goes into effect today!

What's the matter, are you crying?
Are you down on your knees?
Why are you asking God for help?.........
WHY NOT CALL THE C.S.D.?

(Author Unknown)

The moral of the story is that no one is smarter than mom.

AND THATS THE TRUTH ! ! !
LOVE MOM,

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

This is from a Canadian newspaper and IS worth sharing.......

America: The Good Neighbor. Widespread but only partial news coverage was given recently to a remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a Canadian television commentator. What follows is the full text of his broadcast.

"This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the earth.

Germany, Japan and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in billions of dollars and forgave other billions in debts. None of these countries is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to the United States.

When France was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the Americans who propped it up, and their reward was to be insulted and swindled on the streets of Paris. I was there. I saw it.

When earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the United States that hurries in to help. This spring, 59 American communities were flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped.

The Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries are writing about the decadent, warmongering Americans.

I'd like to see just one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplane. Does any other country in the world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas DC10? If so, why don't they fly them? Why do all the International lines except Russia fly American Planes?

Why does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman on the moon? You talk about Japanese technology, and you get radios. You talk about German technology, and you get automobiles. You talk about American technology, and you find men on the moon - not once, but several times - and safely home again.

You talk about scandals, and the Americans put theirs right in the store window for everybody to look at . Even their draft-dodgers are not pursued and hounded. They are here on our streets, and most of them, unless they are breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at home to spend here. When the railways of France, Germany and India were breaking down through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them. When the Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody loaned them an old caboose. Both are still broke.

I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone else raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake.

Our neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of hearing them get kicked around. They will come out of this thing with their flag high. And when they do, they are entitled to thumb their nose at the lands that are gloating over their present troubles. I hope Canada is not one of those."

Stand proud, America!


This is one of the best editorials that I have ever read regarding the United States. It is nice that one man realizes it. I only wish that the rest of the world would realize it. We are always blamed for everything, and never even get a thank you for the things we do.

An OB/GYN decided he would quit his job and become an auto mechanic. He enrolled in the local tech school, got trained, and took the final test. He looked at the posted grades, and he had got 150. Everyone else had 100 or less.

He was curious, so he called the instructor. "How did I get 150", he asked.

"Oh yes, doc, I remember you. I gave you 50 points for your analysis of the problem and engine tear down. You were perfect."

"I gave you another 50 points for reconstruction, a wonderful job." The instructor said.

"But were did the other 50 points come from?" asked the doc.

"Oh", replied the instructor, "I gave you an extra 50 points for doing the whole thing through the tailpipe."

One stormy night many years ago, an elderly man and his wife entered the lobby of a small hotel in Philadelphia. Trying to get out of the rain, the couple approached the front desk hoping to get some shelter for the night.

"Could you possibly give us a room here?" the husband asked. The clerk, a friendly man with a winning smile, looked at the couple and explained that there were three conventions in town.

"All of our rooms are taken," the clerk said. "But I can't send a nice couple like you out in the rain at one o'clock in the morning. Would you perhaps be willing to sleep in my room? It's not exactly a suite, but it will be good enough to make you folks comfortable for the night."

When the couple declined, the young man pressed on. "Don't worry about me; I'll make out just fine," the clerk told them. So the couple agreed.

As he paid his bill the next morning, the elderly man said to the clerk, "You are the kind of manager who should be the boss of the best hotel in the United States. Maybe someday I'll build one for you."

The clerk looked at the couple and smiled. The three of them had a good laugh.

As they drove away, the elderly couple agreed that the helpful clerk was indeed exceptional, as finding people who are both friendly and helpful isn't easy.

Two years passed. The clerk had almost forgotten the incident when he received a letter from the old man. It recalled that stormy night and enclosed a round-trip ticket to New York, asking the young man to pay them a visit.

The old man met him in New York, and led him to the corner of Fifth Avenue and 34th Street. He then pointed to a great new building there, a palace of reddish stone, with turrets and watchtowers thrusting up to the sky.

"That," said the older man, "is the hotel I have just built for you to manage."

"You must be joking," the young man said.

"I can assure you that I am not," said the older man, a sly smile playing around his mouth.

The old man's name was William Waldorf Astor, and the magnificent structure was the original Waldorf-Astoria Hotel. The young clerk who became its first manager was George C. Boldt.

This young clerk never foresaw the turn of events that would lead him to become the manager of one of the world's most glamorous hotels. Remember ... that we are not to turn our backs on those who are in need--- for we might be entertaining angels.

Here are some people who should not be allowed to venture into society

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Callers to a suicide hotline got a surprise this week when they heard a woman's voice promising "the naughtiest girls around." According to an AP report, the toll-free number had apparently been given to an adult phone service after the suicide prevention folks stopped paying for it. "This is not the kind of message a suicidal person needs to hear," said Deborah Anderson, a spokeswoman for the Alliance for the Mentally Ill in South Carolina... I don't know, it kinda gives me a reason to live ...

Bettie Phillips of Hiddenite, NC was arrested this week for putting earrings on a deer. The baby deer was found in the back of her four wheel drive wearing the cross-shaped, zircon-studded earrings. "I thought it would be pretty," said Ms. Phillips. Police disagreed. The woman faces up to a year in jail and $3,000 in fines ...

Three women were arrested in Lansing, Michigan, after they smeared their naked bodies with mustard and hijacked a UPS truck. They told police that they were trying to reach the Garden of Eden, and they had used mustard because it was "mentioned in the book of Matthew". They admitted that they didn't really know why they had taken the truck...

A man in Issacluah, Washington was arrested this week for shooting his personal computer. According to an AP wire report, police talked the man into coming out after a short stand-off. They found his PC with four bullet holes in the hard drive and one in the monitor... well, it's quicker than calling tech support ...

When a California woman discovered a hose dangling from her motor home into a gasoline can, she called her husband, who searched the area and found a trail of vomit leading away from the can. The would-be fuel thief had apparently mistaken the septic tank cap for the fuel cap...

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...

Our Nice Try Award this week goes to the Miami Beach attorney who entered a 'not guilty' plea for his client based on astrological forces. The lawyer maintained that the position of the stars at the time of his client's birth caused him to break into a couple's home, tie them up and threaten them, and walk out with a brassiere on his head...

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad, in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Palo Alto, Calif. - HP will reduce its workforce by an unprecedented 120 percent by the end of 2001, believed to be the first time a major corporation has laid off more employees than it actually has.

HP stock soared more than 12 points on the news.

The reduction decision, announced Thursday, came after a year-long internal review of Cost-cutting procedures, said HP CEO Carly Fiorina. The initial report concluded the company would save $1.2 billion by eliminating 20 percent of its 108,000 employees.

From there, said Fiorina, "it didn't take a genius to figure out that if we cut 40 percent of our workforce, we'd save $2.4 billion, and if we cut 100 percent of our workforce, we'd save $6 billion. But then we thought, why stop there? Let's cut another 20 percent and save $7 billion."

We believe in increasing shareholder value, and we believe that by decreasing expenditures, we enhance our competitive cost position and our bottom line," she added.

HP plans to achieve the 100 percent internal reduction through layoffs, attrition and early retirement packages. To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-HP employees who presently work for other companies.

"We pretty much picked them out of a hat," said Fiorina.

Among firms HP has picked as "External Reduction Targets," or ERTS, are Quaker Oats, AMR Corporation, parent of American Airlines, Callaway Golf, and Charles Schwab & Co. HP's plan presents a "win-win" for the company and ERTS, said Fiorina, as any savings by ERTs would be passed on to HP, while the ERTs themselves would benefit by the increase in stock price that usually accompanies personnel cutback announcements.

"We're also hoping that since, over the years, we've been really helpful to a lot of companies, they'll do this for us kind of as a favor," said Fiorina.

Legally, pink slips sent out by HP would have no standing at ERTs unless those companies agreed. While executives at ERTs declined to comment, employees at those companies said they were not inclined to cooperate.

"This is ridiculous. I don't work for HP. They can't fire me," said Kaili Blackburn, a flight attendant with American Airlines.

Reactions like that, replied Fiorina, "are not very sporting."

Inspiration for HP's plan came from previous cutback initiatives, said company officials. In January of 1998, for instance, the company announced it would trim 18,000 jobs over two years. However, just a year later, HP said it had already reached its quota. "We were quite surprised at the number of employees willing to leave HP in such a hurry, and we decided to build on that." Fiorina said.

Analysts credited Fiorina's short-term vision, noting that the announcement had the desired effect of immediately increasing HP share value. However, the long-term ramifications could be detrimental, said Bear Stearns analyst Beldon McInty.

"It's a little early to tell, but by eliminating all its employees, HP may jeopardize its market position and could, at least theoretically, cease to exist," said McInty.

Fiorina, however, urged patience: "To my knowledge, this hasn't been done before, so let's just wait and see what happens."

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup.

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle.BAM!!!! The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

I think this is a good lesson for all of us ....

There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out, it won't matter how many times you say I m sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "that's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and... oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll, cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

Recently a local celebrity was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in his Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and he happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. He was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told him he could have free beer during the tasting, so he accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're a local celebrity and therefore known and adored by all.


Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor very mild.

CELEBRITY: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.



Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

CELEBRITY: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.



Chili 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE- Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

CELEBRITY: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."



Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

CELEBRITY: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled-it's kinda cute.



Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

CELEBRITY: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.



Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

CELEBRITY: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.



Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned Peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

CELEBRITY: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.



Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

CELEBRITY: Momma?

Network television is developing a "Wyoming version" of the popular T.V. show "Survivor"

Contestants must travel from Glenrock up to Sheridan, across to Lovell, through Cody, down to Meeteetsee and Thermopolis over to Dubois and Jackson, down to Rock Springs and Rawlins, and finishing at the Virginian Hotel in Medicine Bow. This must be done while driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I voted for Gore, I'm proud to be Gay, and I'm here to take away your guns". The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.

"What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired.

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of him."

There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssco!"

Finally, a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five."

"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."

"Your wife is named "Crisco?"

"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're out in public."

"Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?"

"Lard ass."

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, 'tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned. and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five more good leads!" says Tommy.

Let's see if I understand how America works lately.

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up heroin with was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So if I die while my old, wrinkled body is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay you enough to expect that you'll dress nicely.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

MUST BE FLEXIBLE:
On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female employees must be child less (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do -- you forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, You forward jokes.

To let you know that: you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, you are still wanted, guess what you get? A forwarded joke from me.

So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that I have sent you just a joke, but that I have thought of you today and wanted to send you a smile.

A woman with a baby come into the doctor's office. She is told to go into room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed" she says. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor orders.

She does. He presses, kneads and pinches both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he says, "No wonder this baby is hungry.You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt. But I'm glad I came."

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies." -- Gene Hill

"In dog years I'm dead" -- Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." -- Penny Ward Moser

"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage." -- Danish Proverb

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx.

"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch." -- Michael Friedman

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy

"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?" -- unknown

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." -- unknown

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job." -- Franklin P. Jones

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner

"If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one." -- Andy Rooney

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein

"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." -- unknown

"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." -- Woodrow Wilson

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron

"Rambunctious, rumbustious, delinquent dogs become angelic when sitting." -- Dr. Ian Dunbar

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." -- Roger Caras

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey

"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.." -- unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." - - Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion" -- unknown

"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." -- Mark Twain

"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -- unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Do You Believe This Music Cover?

After having their 10th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. A friend from California had told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. They go to the doctor, who tells the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."

So the couple drove to Tennessee to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Kentucky. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

I would like to report the following trophy fish, taken near Acapulco, Mexico: a world-record great white shark.

The bait: a medium-salaried Canadian businessman, preferable to most other bait. The extreme whiteness of the winter Canadian draws great whites from a good distance, and the plump, consistently soft-textured flesh makes for a solid bite and firm hooking -- no nibbling or spitting up.

This particular bait came equipped with a good-quality flasher lure: a Rolex Oyster Date-Timer. The great thing about this lure is that it attracts the shark well into the evening. What's more, you can recover it and use it over and over. Highly recommended.

Of course, I've yet to try all the businessmen bait on the market. One suspects that a sausage-fed German BMW executive, for instance, would obtain excellent results. However, the great availability of the winter Canadian makes him just about the best bait available on the southern beaches. Remember though: use him before he's been in the sun, or he'll likely be spoiled by mating red snapper.


Good luck and good fishing.

Lopez Estrada
Estrada Bait & Tackle, Acapulco, Mexico

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

What am I? Fly paper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

And your cry baby whiny-butt opinion would be ... ?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 20GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 20GB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack --- once if by LAN, twice if by C:\ >.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electric micro-organism."

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit yor komputer, ewe just cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it is bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

Best solution I've heard yet as for what to do with Osama bin Laden:

Killing him will only create a martyr.
Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

I don't know if his is true or not but, it makes a funny solution?


An Israeli friend recently informed me that the UK fought the Islamic terrorist attacks by burying the criminals with a pig. Apparently the Islamic belief is that if ones' body is buried with a pig (because they are considered unclean) their soul will go to hell. I did a little research into this subject matter and found it to be true.

This got me thinking. If we put a baby pig on every airline flight then all suicide terrorists would abort their missions as they would not want their souls to go to hell. Additionally, if we drop shipped, oh say, 100,000 pigs into Afghanistan I think our recon and assault efforts may be more successful. Apparently Muslims dislike the very sight of pigs A LOT! They are also adamantly opposed to alcohol, thus we spike their water supply with a few thousands gallons of cosmopolitans, get them shit-faced and turn the pigs loose. The war would be over in a weekend. Just a thought!

Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic ...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two muu-muu's with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

Subject: Memo from the President

Memo from the office of the President
Date: 29th September 2001

To: Albert Gore

Dear Al:

We found some more votes. You won. When do you want to take over?

Sincerely,
George W. Bush

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How do you achieve 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the furture!

What makes life 100%?


IF

A B C D E F G H I  J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T  U  V  W  X  Y  Z

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

H A  R D  W  O  R  K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11  = 98%

 K  N  O  W  L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5  = 96%

A  T  T I  T  U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5  = 100%

B  U  L  L  S H I  T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20  = 103%

Every Idiot Deserves a Sign That Says, "STUPID!"
------------------------------------------------------------------

Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.


Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
------------------------------------------------------

Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.


Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Idiot # 3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that he could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.


Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably could not read it anyway.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.


Another sign, though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.


Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved,the startled first bandit shot him.


This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that held just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.


Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!
---------------------------------------------

Idiot # 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

1. And Your crybaby whiny opinion would be ... ?

2. Do I look like a people person?

3. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

8. You ... ! Off my planet!

9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

13. Allow me to introduce my selves.

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

18. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

19. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

23. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

25. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

26. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

27. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

29. I plead contemporary insanity.

30. And which dwarf are you?

31. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

32. Meandering to a different drummer.

33. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Moving Thoughts


Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too.

The happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

This is for all the people who have touched my life in one way or another.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".

The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.

The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 oz.

Charlie Brown's father was a barber.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Of the six men who made up the Three Stooges, three of them were real brothers (Moe, Curly and Shemp.)

Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

In Mel Brooks' 'Silent Movie,' mime Marcel Marceau is the only person who has a speaking role.

Pulp Fiction cost $8 million to make - $5 million going to actor's salaries.

Spot, Data's cat on Star Trek: The Next Generation, was played by six different cats.

A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer.

Los Angeles, full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

Betsy Ross was born with a fully formed set of teeth.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. (ah, a new image when I call someone a twit)

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box.

Charles de Gaulle's final words were, "It hurts."

ABBA got their name by taking the first letter from each of their first names (Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny, Anni-frid.)

The Beatles song "Dear Prudence" was written about Mia Farrow's sister, Prudence, when she wouldn't come out and play with Mia and the Beatles at a religious retreat in India.

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? It's Paul Reiser himself.

Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano for the theme song of Fraiser..

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

Alexander the Great was an epileptic.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Horses cannot vomit. Rabbits cannot vomit.

A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

Hugh "Ward Cleaver" Beaumont was an ordained minister.

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.

Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living.

Dartboards are made out of horsehairs.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox.

Virgina Woolf wrote all her books standing.

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.

The only planet without a ring is earth.

Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing.

Cheap Reststop !

Ever wonder what it would be like if "Dear Abby" Was a Man?

Dear Abner:
My boyfriend still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will be unfaithful.

"Worried."


Dear Worried:
A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy your boyfriend a Ranger bass boat and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.



Dear Abner:
My fiancee has too many nights out with "the boys."

"Alone."


Dear Alone:
This is perfectly natural behavior and should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, night out with the boys is a stressful affair and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy your fiancee a new hunting rifle and cook him a nice meal.



Dear Abner:
My fiancee goes straight to sleep after making love. We have no time to talk.

"Talkless in Tacoma."


Dear Talkless:
Sexual intercourse is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work he puts into his loveinaking and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him; buy your fiancee a new Calloway driver and cook him a nice meal.



Dear Abner:
My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last sixty seconds.

"Minute Man's Wife."


Dear Minute's:
Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a full set of Sears Craftsman power tools and cooking him a nice meal.



Dear Abner:
My boyfriend is uninterested in foreplay; help.

"Wham-Bam-Thank-you-Ma'am."


Dear Wham:
Foreplay, to a man, is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love him as much as he loves you. You should be as ready as he is for lovemaking. Why must he work at getting you "in the mood" if you are truly devoted? Abandon this old wives' tale. Make it up to your boyfriend by buying him the biggest chain saw on the market and cooking him a nice meal.



Dear Abner:
My fiancee has never given me an orgasm.

"Frustrated."


Dear Frustrated:
The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to your fiancee and show your love to him by buying him a Harley-Davidson Fat Boy... and don't forget to cook him a nice meal.

Words of Wisdom for the Computer User in YOU

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. C:\ is the root of all directories.


More Words to The Wise for the TechnoGeeks

6. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
7. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
8. The geek shall inherit the earth.
9. A chat has nine lives.
10. Don't byte off more than you can view.


Cyber Sayings for the Nerd in All of Us . . .

11. Fax is stranger than fiction.
12. What boots up must come down.
13. Will Windows never cease?
14. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
15. Virtual reality is its own reward.


The Last Words of Wisdom for the web Walkers Among Us . . .

16. Modulation in all things.
17. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
18. There's no place like http://www.home.com
19. Know what to expect before you connect.


And Finally. . .

20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station ...

According to my calculations, that problem never existed.

I must always remember that I'm unique, just like everyone else.

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!

If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If they arrest the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

I think everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us don't have film.

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what exactly is a fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?!

If atheists say there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

Is the hardness of the butter proportional to the softness of the bread?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

What was the best thing *before* sliced bread?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Finally, The Truth on National TV. Billy Graham's daughter was being interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" And Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe that God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman that He is, I believe that He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand that He leave us alone?"

I know there's been a lot of emails going around in regard to 9/11/01, but this really makes you think. If you don't have time, at least skim through it, but the bottom line is something to think about ....

In light of recent events ... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. Let's see, I think it started when Madeline Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body was found recently) complained she didn't want any prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then, someone said you better not read the Bible in school ... the Bible that says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said, OK.

Then, Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide) And we said, an expert should know what he's talking about so we said OK.

Then, someone said teachers and principals better not discipline our children when they misbehave. And the school administrators said no faculty member in this school better touch a student when they misbehave because we don't want any bad publicity, and we surely don't want to be sued (There's big difference between disciplining and touching, beating, smacking, humiliating, kicking, etc.) And we said, OK.

Then someone said, let's let our daughters have abortions if they want, and they won't even have to tell their parents. And we said, OK.

Then some wise school board member said, since boys will be boys and they're going to do it anyway, let's give our sons all the condoms they want, so they can have all the fun they desire, and we won't have to tell their parents they got them at school. And we said, OK.

Then some of our top elected officials said it doesn't matter what we do in private as long as we do our jobs. And agreeing with them, we said it doesn't matter to me what anyone, including the President, does in private as long as I have a job and the economy is good. And then someone said let's print magazines with pictures of nude women and call it wholesome, down-to-earth appreciation for the beauty of the female body. And we said, OK.

And then someone else took that appreciation a step further and published pictures of nude children and then stepped further still by making them available on the internet. And we said OK, they're entitled to their free speech.

And then the entertainment industry said, let's make TV shows and movies that promote profanity, violence, and illicit sex. And let's record music that encourages rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes. And we said it's just entertainment, it has no adverse effect, and nobody takes it seriously anyway, so go right ahead.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves. Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.

I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

"Dear God,
Why didn't you save the little girl killed in her classroom?"
Sincerely, Concerned Student ...

AND THE REPLY

"Dear Concerned Student,
I am not allowed in schools."
Sincerely, God.

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says. Funny how someone can say, "I believe in God" but still follow Satan who, by the way, also "believes" in God. Funny how we are quick to judge but not to be judged. Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but the public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace. Funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday, but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week.

Are you laughing? Funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them. Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?"

The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look.

"Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister", says the little boy.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Dear Santa:

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmas', since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and 'Take your hands off your brother, because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-laws' house seem just like mine.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. A I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always ... Mom.

P.S. One more thing... you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to always believe in Santa!

Subject: Christmas Love


Each December I vowed to make Christmas a calm and peaceful experience. I had cut back on nonessential obligations: extensive card writing, endless baking, decorating, and even over spending. Yet I still found myself exhausted, unable to fully appreciate the precious family moments, and, of course, the true meaning of Christmas.

My son, Nicholas, was in kindergarten that year. It was an exciting season for a six-year-old. For weeks, he'd been memorizing songs for his school's Winter Pageant. I didn't have the heart to tell him I'd be working the night of the production.

Unwilling to miss his shining moment, I spoke with his teacher who assured me there would be a dress rehearsal the morning of the presentation. All parents unable to attend that evening were welcome to come then.

Fortunately, Nicholas seemed happy with the compromise. So, the morning of the dress rehersal, I filed in ten minutes early and found a seat in the cafeteria. Around the room, I saw several other parents quietly scampering to their seats.

As I waited, the students were led into the room. Each class, accompanied by their teacher, sat cross-legged on the floor. Then each group, one by one, rose to perform their song.

Because the public school system had stopped referring to the holiday as "Christmas" I didn't expect anything other than fun, commercial entertainment: songs about reindeer, Santa Claus, snow flakes, and good cheer. So when my son's class rose to sing "Christmas Love" I was slightly taken aback by its bold title.

Nicholas was aglow, as were all of his classmates, who were adorned in fuzzy mittens and red sweaters, with bright stocking caps on their heads.

Those in the front row, center stage, held up large letters, one by one, to spell out the title of the song. As the class would sing "C is for Christmas" a child would hold up the letter "C."

Then, "H is for Happy," and on and on, until each child holding his portion had presented the complete message, "Christmas Love."

The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly we noticed her: a small, quiet girl in the front row holding the letter "M" upside down. She was unaware that reversed, her letter "M" appeared as a "W."

The audience of first through sixth-graders snickered at this little one's mistake. But she had no idea they were laughing at her, and she stood tall, proudly holding her "W."

Although many teachers tried to shush the children, the laughter continued until the last letter was raised, and we all saw it together.

A hush came over the audience, and eyes began to widen. In that instant, we understood the reason we were there, why we celebrated the holiday in the first place, why even in the chaos there was a purpose for our festivities.

When the last letter was held high, the message read clear: "CHRIST WAS LOVE." And I believe He still is.




Is that a wonderful story or what?

It was just an' ol' cowboy an' me all alone
in an ol' run down line-shack that we both called home.
An' here it was Christmas, or close thereabouts,
'least the ol' man thought so, but I had my doubts.

But I reckon 'twas close enough to say so,
least-wise it was cold, an' was plenty of snow.
Well, ol' Bill come up with a right good idee,
he said we should have us a Christmas tree.

The tree that we got was a scrubby ol' pine
that we found 'hind the shack out there on the line.
One spot was plum necked, no branches a'tall,
an' it leaned to one side, like as if it would fall.

So we propped it with rocks, the best that we could,
an' when we was finished it looked purdy good.
We'd tore out some snowflakes from an ol' Stockmans News,
an' for garland we had bits of rope we could use.

We'd hung a few pine cones on some of the limbs,
along with the tops of some bean an' peach tins.
An' then for a star, on the top, that would shine
the rowel of an old Spanish spur worked just fine.

I ain't seen one like it, an' prob'ly never will,
but it sure seemed to bring on a change in ol' Bill.
Ol' Bill was a codger, an' gen'ly a grump,
an' just 'bout as lively as an ol' hick'ry stump.

That night he declared that it was Christmas Eve,
took out his mouth organ, wiped it on his sleeve.
He played Christmas songs 'til he run out of wind,
stopped for a bit, then he played 'em again.

The first tune he played was that one, Silent Night,
but it took him a spell to get the notes right.
When he got himself goin' he played quite a few,
an' I sung right along to the ones that I knew.

Then he took down his Bible from off of the shelf,
said he weren't sure 'bout me, but believed it himself.
He read me a story 'bout the first Christmas day,
an' after held read it, I seen ol' Bill pray.

If the boss had of seen us, wonder what held of said.
He'd prob'ly of figured we was soft in the head.
'Cause we ended up dancin' around that ol' tree,
like a couple of kids, just ol' Bill an' me.

Though it weren't much to look at, kind-a simple an' plain,
it's the tree I remember, time an' again.
An' I've come to consider it ain't just the tree,
it's the story Bill read me, is what Christmas should be.


MERRY CHRISTMAS to you all!

The Sense of a Goose

Next fall, when you see geese heading south for the winter, flying along in "V" formation, you might consider what science has discovered as to why they fly that way. As each bird flaps its wings, it creates uplift for the bird immediately following. By flying in "V" formation, the whole flock adds at least 71 percent greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own.

People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going more quickly and easily, because they are traveling on the thrust of one another.

When a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to go it alone - and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird in front.

If we have as much sense as a goose, we will stay in formation with those people who are headed the same way we are.

When the head goose gets tired, it rotates back in the wing and another goose flies point.

It is sensible to take turns doing demanding jobs, whether with people or with geese flying south.

Geese honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.

What messages do we give when we honk from behind?

Finally - and this is important - when a goose gets sick or is wounded by gunshot, and falls out of formation, two other geese fall out with that goose and follow it down to lend help and protection. They stay with the fallen goose until it is able to fly or until it dies; and only then do they launch out on their own, or with another formation to catch up with their group. If we have the sense of a goose, we will stand by each other like that.

--Author Unknown

How Did You Do It

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades."

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

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