How to speak about men and be politically correct:


He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL

He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?"

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, 'I've got to see this ... two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble.'

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!

She's yellling, "Ohhhh, God! " He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says," except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a one of them.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - Are the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

COMPARING NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.


BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337... A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


CATS:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.


DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will only dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no sense in two people remembering the same thing.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!""Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

"What! ?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just.. .just. . .Excited?", my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just.. .that. . .I'm picturing you pulling on its.. .its. . .teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

This man was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Then he looked for himself and saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in his area to help, so he said ok, hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policeman said to this man: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" He replied "I thought you said there was nobody available."

TREE STORY

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree began to grow between them. The beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech......or the son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell me if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor the son of a birch! THAT, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called 911.

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"

At a lecture the other day they played an old news video of Lt. Col.Oliver North testifying at the Iran-Contra hearings during the Reagan Administration. There was Ollie in front of everyone in the country getting the third degree, but what he said was stunning!

He was being drilled by some senator; "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?"

Ollie replied," Yes, I did, Sir."

The senator continued, trying to get a laugh out of the audience," Isn't that just a little excessive?"

"No, sir," continued Ollie.

"No? And why not?" the senator asked.

"Because the lives of my family and I were threatened, sir"

"Threatened? By whom?" the senator questioned.

"By a terrorist, sir" Ollie answered.

"Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?"

"His name is Osama bin Laden, sir" Ollie replied.

At this point the senator tried to repeat the name, but couldn't pronounce it, which most people back then probably couldn't. A couple of people laughed at the attempt. Then the senator continued. "Why are you so afraid of this man?" the senator asked.

"Because, sir, he is the most evil person alive that know I of", Ollie answered.

"And what do you recommend we do about him?" asked the senator.

"Well, sir, if it was up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team be formed to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth."

The senator disagreed with this approach, and that was all that was shown of the clip.

If anyone is interested, the senator turned out to be none other than Al Gore.

Imagine if he were president today would he feel the same way?

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters (see 2X4 above).

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round-out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

A crusty old Marine Corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"Negative," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little Jewish man sitting at a table with a bunch of neckties laid out.

The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst. Can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robe."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a Tie, you idiot. I want water."

"OK Don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about two miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way. They'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later, the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. The Jewish man said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

POOR BUBBA

Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?", said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes..."

New Microsoft Keyboard

After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo, and His Holiness doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English. "Why have you not seated yourself in this excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protests the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope gets in behind the wheel. He quickly regrets his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerates the limo to 105 mph.

"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal. Then they hear the siren. "Oh, my God, now I am surely losing my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor."

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

"I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him"

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the old guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that's very helpful, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor replied, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 103, and he hunted turkey with me this morning. That's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer replied, "Who said my Grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He turned 124 last month."

The doctor, becoming frustrated with utter disbelief said, "And I suppose he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married today."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why on earth would a 124-year-old man want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

What your car says about you:


Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.

Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.

Acura NSX - I am impotent.

Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.

Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.

Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.

Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp.

Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people.

Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.

Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.

Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.

Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.

Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.

Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.

Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.

Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart).

Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.

Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.

Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

Honda Del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.

Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.

Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.

Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.

Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.

Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above).

Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.

Mercedes 56OSEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.

Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen wheeler.

MGB - I am dating a mechanic.

Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.

Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts.

Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.

Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.

Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.

Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal.

Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic).

Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu.

Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet.

Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.

Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet.

Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now.

Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife.

For all of you who have not yet had kids but are thinking about it.

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.

Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Get a burlap bag full of rice soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave, he's just not crying. Big difference.

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple "Yes" will do.

What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

When I ask, "How many guys have you slept with?" It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.

When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying "This is our exit" is not strictly necessary.

The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

Sports Center starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

Silence does not need to be filled.

It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.

And finally, No, you can't have the remote control.

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the bathroom when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Dakota wisdom (humor?) says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:


1. Buying a strong whip.

2. Trying a new bit or bridle.

3. Changing riders.

4. Moving the horse to a new location.

5. Riding the horse for longer periods of time.

6. Saying things, like "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."

7. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

8. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

9. Increasing the standards for riding dead horses.

10. Creating a test for measuring our riding ability.

11. Comparing the state of dead horses today.

12. Complaining about the state of dead horses today.

13. Coming up with new styles of riding dead horses.

14. Blaming the horse's parents.

15. Tightening the cinch.

16. Passing legislation which declares that "this horse is not dead!"

17. Trying to resuscitate the dead horse.

18. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

19. Praying for the dead horse to be resurrected.

20. Convincing people that the dead horse is resting up for the next day's work.

Women's Dream Car

Budweiser incident (not a joke!)

How Budweiser handled those who laughed at those who died on the 11th of September, 2001...

Thought you might like to know what happened in a little town north of Bakersfield, California. After you finish reading this, please forward this story on to others so that our nation and people around the world will know about those who laughed when they found out about the tragic events in New York, Pennsylvania, and the Pentagon.


On September 11th, a Budweiser employee was making a delivery to a convenience store in a California town named McFarland. He knew of the tragedy that had occurred in New York when he entered the business to find the two Arabs, who owned the business, whooping and hollering to show their approval and support of this treacherous attack.

The Budweiser employee went to his truck, called his boss and told him of the very upsetting event! He didn't feel he could be in that store with those horrible people. His boss asked him, "Do you think you could go in there long enough to pull every Budweiser product and item our beverage company sells there? We'll never deliver to them again."

The employee walked in, proceeded to pull every single product his beverage company provided and left with an incredible grin on his face. He told them never to bother to call for a delivery again. Budweiser happens to be the beer of choice for that community.

And now the rest of the story:

It seems that the Bud driver and the Pepsi man are neighbors. Bud called Pepsi and told him. Pepsi called his boss who told him to pull all Pepsi products as well!! That would include Frito Lay, etc.

Furthermore, word spread and all vendors followed suit! At last report, the store was closed indefinitely.

Good old American Passive-Agressive Ass Whoopin'!
Pass this along. America needs to know that we're all working together.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

This elusive mystery, one study said 700 pounds, but how did they get that?

Before we can postulate a hypothesis, there are many variables that need to be determined in order to create a solid scientific theory. For example, are we talking about a full-grown woodchuck? Male or female? What kind of wood is he or she chucking? Pine? Maple? The wood paneling on a 1974 Dodge Wagon?

To what measurement are we gauging the chucking? Per hour? Per day? Over the course of the woodchuck's entire life? And how do we define of "chuck?" The American Heritage College Dictionary (Third Edition) lists three definitions for the verb form of chuck: 1) To pat or squeeze fondly or playfully, 2) To throw or toss, and 3) To make a clucking sound.

And then there are the philosophical aspects to consider.

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like cleaning the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

This is a real test given by the Human Relations Department at many major corporations today. It helps them get a better insight concerning their employees and potential employees. It's only 10 simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers, and have fun!



1. When do you feel your best?
(a) in the morning
(b) during the afternoon & early evening
(c) late at night

2. You usually walk
(a) fairly fast, with long steps
(b) fairly fast, with short, quick steps
(c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
(d) less fast, head down
(e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you
(a) stand with your arms folded
(b) have your hands clasped
(c) have one or both your hands on your hips
(d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
(e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with
(a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
(b) your legs crossed
(c) your legs stretched out or straight
(d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, react with
(a) a big, appreciative laugh
(b) a laugh, but not a loud one
(c) a quiet chuckle
(d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you..
(a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
(b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
(c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted. Do you:
(a) welcome the break
(b) feel extremely irritated
(c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
(a) red or orange
(b) black
(c) yellow or light blue
(d) green
(e) dark blue or purple
(f) white
(g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie:
(a) stretched out on your back
(b) stretched out face down on your stomach
(c) on your side, slightly curled
(d) with your head on one arm
(e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are
(a) falling
(b) fighting or struggling
(c) searching for something or somebody
(d) flying or floating
(e) you usually have dreamless sleep
(f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6

2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1

3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1

5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2

7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4

8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1

10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.


OVER 60 POINTS:
Others see you as someone they should "handle with care". You're seen as vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.


51 TO 60 POINTS:
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality, a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.


41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical and always interesting, someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, a little too generous at times, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.


31 TO 40 POINTS:
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust on your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.


21 TO 30 POINTS:
Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.


UNDER 21 POINTS:
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

Subject: Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at leased 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year


Can you guess which organization this is?



Give up?



It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

1. I believe that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

2. I believe that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

3. I believe that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

4. I believe that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

5. I believe that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

6. I believe that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

7. I believe that you can keep going long after you can't.

8. I believe that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

9. I believe that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

10. I believe that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

11. I believe that heros are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

12. I believe that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

13. I believe that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

14. I believe that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

15. I believe that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

16. I believe that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

17. I believe that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

18. I believe that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

19. I believe that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.

20. I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we make the final decision of the outcome.

21. I believe that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

22. I believe that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

23. I believe that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

24. I believe that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

25. I believe that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

26. I believe that it takes more than credentials on a wall to make a decent human being.

27. I believe that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS (or friends, if you don't have a daughter)


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

A woman called a dishwasher repairman. Since she had to go to work, she told him she would leave the key under the mat and for him to leave his bill on the counter and she would send him a check.

"Don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you, but, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances talk to the parrot!"

When the repairman arrived he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But the dog just lay there watching him go about his business. However, the parrot drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

The parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Especially for the women...

In my next life - I Want to be a Bear

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup I wanna be a bear.

The Stella Awards - America at its very best!

The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.

This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right attorney you could win anything!

1. January 2000:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little boy was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998:
A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

3. October 1998:
Scumbag, Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

7. November 2000:
And the winner is: Mr Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City.
Mr Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winniebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)

WORLDS EASIEST QUIZ!

HERE'S THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ! (Passing requires 4 correct answers).


1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get catgut?

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI's first name?

8. What color is a purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last? - 116 years

2. Which country makes Panama hats? - Ecuador

3. From which animal do we get catgut? - Sheep and Horses

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? - November

5. What is a camel's hair brush made of? - Squirrel fur

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? - Dogs

7. What was King George VI's first name? - Albert

8. What color is a purple finch? - Crimson

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from? - New Zealand

Minnesota State Trooper

Two men are driving through Minnesota when they get pulled over by a State trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his Night Stick.

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Minnesota son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What's you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true." The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

The FBI issued a warning in today's Annville, PA newspaper that they suspect a terrorist may be hiding in the Amish community near here. This photo provided the first clue that triggered the investigation:

Osama bin Laden was kicking around some rubble left over from the latest bombing, and found a copper jug with a wax plug. He pried it loose and out popped a female genie; "How may I serve you, Master?" she inquired.

Osama was not impressed. "I Don't need anything from an (expurgated) female!" he said, churlishly.

"But. Master, I MUST DO SOMETHING for you, or I have to go back into confinement! Please! Isn't there anything I can get you?"

"All right!" snapped Osaina churlishly, "Tomorrow morning, I want to find three American Women in bed with me, ready to do what they do best! Now, get lost!"

"Your wish is my command!" said the genie (miffed), and vanished.

The next morning when Osama woke up, he had Lorena Bobbit, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton in bed with him; his penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no Medical Insurance.

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade-especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a gloriousand all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 90 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

Things Dogs Must Try To Remember....


I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rain water out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead sea gulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

JOKE #1

A goup of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a ten point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."




JOKE #2

A candidate for city council was doing some door-to-door campaigning, and things were going pretty well, he thought, till he came to the house of a grouchy-looking fellow. After the candidate's little speech, the fellow said, "Vote for you? Why I'd rather vote for the Devil!"

"I understand," said the candidate, "but in case your friend is not running, may I count on your support?"

Hidden Bird

Ex-Wife's Wish

A woman was walking on the beach right after a horrible, divorce, feeling really depressed about the fact that she has nobody, and no job and has to live off alimony, and she kicks this bottle.

Out comes a Genie, and he says "I see you are a divorcee, and I hate divorcees! I have been paying me ex alimony for the past 10,000,000 years! ! !, however, you did free me, and I will give you a wish, 1 wish, and your ex will get five times as much."

She starts thinking what she can ask for that will be good for her and bad for her ex, first she wants to ask for a million dollars, but then realizes that her ex will get five million. then she was going to be the most beautiful person in the world, but then realizes that her ex will look even better.

After a long time of thinking she says "I know what I want. I realize that my ex will get 5 times as much, and anyways, I decided that I want to marry a handsome man, and give birth to his child."

Sam had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress so he quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away.... Having a Christmas party Friday ... Thought you might like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate."

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, about $20,000 a week."

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno." "

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here -- got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old timer, "..but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

: Employee Handbook Revisions


SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.

We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.


PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days each year. They are called "Saturday" and "Sunday."


VACATION DAYS
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1st, July 4th & December 25th.


BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for your dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.


ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.


RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40; and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict, 3-minute time limit inside the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.


LUNCH BREAKS
a) Skinny People: Skinny people get 1 hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy.

b) Middleweight People: Middleweight people get 30 minutes for lunch, so they can get a balanced meal to maintain their average figures.

c) Fat People: Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time they need to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.


DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing a pair of $350.00 Prada running shoes & carrying a $600.00 Gucci bag, we will assume that you are doing well financially & therefore do not need a raise.


THANK YOU
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation, or input should be directed elsewhere.


Have a nice week.

Management

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad"

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"

Five minutes later "Daaaa-aaaad"

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with large breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
"Someone from the Gyna College called, they said the Pabst Beer is normal."

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said that he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone 'must' attend!"

"Of course, sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations in his heart and started to listen.

She said, "Hey, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!"

Organizational Chart

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

"Rain."

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The doctor remarked, "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.

The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.

Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents.

"Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleaded Lena.

"Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."

At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many words can I send to my husband for a dime?"

"It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's the message, "COMFORTABLE."

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.


This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat


Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!


THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).


EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.


DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.


MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.


FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.


EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.


MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.


BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.


FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.


SALT
It never spoils.


CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.


LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.


CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.


CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.


RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.


POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.


CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.


EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.


UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.


GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to fmd her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion! "Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"

"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Finally...........there is a rhyme to the reason of the strange designation given to bra sizes:


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, here is the answer...


A - Almost Boobs...
B - Barely there.
C - Can't Complain!
D - Damn!
DD - Double damn!
E - Enormous!
F - Fake

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?" "Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox. "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground!

The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane.

Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. "Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them."

This was a letter from a listner sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I heard it on her show and felt it was worthy of passing on.


Subject: It Is Determined Airport Screeners Will Not Profile People. Hmmmmmm...
Date: 09-16-2002


To ensure we Americans never offend anyone-----particularly fanatics intent on killing us - airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year-old Congressman with metal hips, and Medal Of Honor winning former Governors.

Let's pause a moment and take the following test.




In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:

a) Olga Corbutt
b) Sitting Bull
c) Arnold Schwartzeneger
d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:

a) Lost Norwegians
b) Elvis
c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:

a) John Dillinger
b) The King of Sweden
c) The Boy Scouts
d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:

a) A pizza delivery boy
b) Pee Wee Herman
c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70-year-old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:

a) The Smurfs
b) Davy Jones
c) The Little Mermaid
d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by :

a) Captain Kid
b) Charles Lindberg
c) Mother Theresa
d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:

a) Scooby Doo
b) The Tooth Fairy
c) Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train job.
d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:

a) Richard Simmons
b) Grandma Moses
c) Michael Jordan
d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:

a) Mr. Rogers
b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote the next villain: " Mustapha the Merciless "
d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed and thousands of people were killed by:

a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
b) The Supreme Court of Florida
c) Mr. Bean
d) Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40


In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:

a) Enron
b) The Lutheran Church
c) The NFL
d) Muslim male extremists between the ages of 17 and 40


In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:

a) Bonny and Clyde
b) Captain Kangaroo
c) Billy Graham
d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


Hmmmmmm.............Nope ! No patterns anywhere to justify profiling !!!!

1. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited-until you try to sit in their pews.

2. Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

3. It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

4. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

5. When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

6. People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

7. Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

8. Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

9. The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."

10. If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

11. Not only are the sins of the fathers visited upon the children, but nowadays the sins of the children are visited upon the fathers.

12. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

13. To make a long story short, don't tell it.

14. If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.

15. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

16. Peace starts with a smile.

17. I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

18. A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

19. We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

20. Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees.

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a sarcophagus containing a mummy.

After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.

"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Are you tired of the mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself......



Friend,

When you are sad...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue...I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile...I will know you finally got laid.

When you are scared... I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.



This is my oath, I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!! Send this poem to 4 of your closest friends, or else you will have bad luck and go to hell and get depressed because you realized you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

P.S. A GOOD FRIEND WILL HELP YOU MOVE...A REALLY GOOD FRIEND WILL HELP YOU MOVE A BODY.

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... They kiss... And then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy replied, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the bathroom when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Be ye fishers of men - You catch them - Hell clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Copilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given

"Father, bless this person in whatever it is that You know he or she may be needing this day!"

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.

Paul was not the brightest guy around. Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Paul decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again.

He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it.

So, one day, on the way home from work, Paul confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation.

"Well," explained Paul, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat those guys up who used to steal my money."

His instructor said, "What happened?"

Paul replied, "They jumped me before I could get my socks and shoes off!"

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.


SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?


COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


DEMOCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.


BUREAUCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch. Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.


FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one wish each."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Next time you have a bad day at work . . . think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to a local radio station (103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne IN), who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, it won!

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butt hole was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job..."

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbeleivingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ma your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

The mind of a six-year old is wonderful.
First grade. . .true story.


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "...and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said, "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes...

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying. . .that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned Silence.. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

A guide to HMO terminology.

HMO: Health Maintenance Organization -- devoted to the financial health of the insurance company.

Managed Care: Short for "Managed Care Denial."

PCP: Primary Care Provider, also known as Secondary Care Denier.

Gatekeeper: Euphemism for Cryptkeeper, since their primary function is to keep you away from the specialists you need until you die.

Practice Guidelines: Another term for Cookbook Medicine.

Not Medically Necessary: Actually means Not Financially Profitable.

In-Network Referral: You're stuck with us, buddy! If you want a higher level of care, pay for it out of your own pocket.

Risk Sharing: The doctor takes the risk, the HMO takes the money.

Attrition: When patients die, it prevents the overutilization of HMO services.

Overutilization: Not enough care denial, leading to decreased profits for the HMO and PCP.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

MAN: Hello.

WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?

MAN: Yes.

WOMAN: I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN: Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: How much?

WOMAN: $60,000

MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.

MAN: Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.

WOMAN: OK. I'll see you later! I love you!

MAN: Bye, I love you, too.

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture.

He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head her husband parted his hair on.

"I forgot," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop 'em", ... which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip the Captain's penis and began to work back "My God" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles" The Captain calmly replied "Vietnam."

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His Mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

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