A rich man went to his pastor and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you."
The pastor accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy member, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, pastor," said
the man. "No expense was spared."
And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both inside and out. But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back.
"A church with only one pew?" asked the pastor.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down.
When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to
a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down.
And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the pastor, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the pastor started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text, and when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight.
Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
Subject: We Survived
Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable! We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth and there were no law suits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight.... We were always outside playing. We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cellular phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms. We had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it? We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. Little League had try outs and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them.
Congratulations! Please pass this on to others that have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated lives, for our own good. That feeling of hopelessness is just reality setting in.
There's nothing worse than a doctor's snotty receptionist who insists you tell her what's wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you have all experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then returned.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
The cold season is upon us, so be careful what you take.
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against one of the walls. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with the guy over there against the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative."
The owner is shocked. "You idiot, you can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!"
The clerk answers, "Sure you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that "I" am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"
The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut the hell up!!!!"
G.W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barber's were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barber's finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
In the 16th and 17th centuries, before commercial fertilizer was invented, large shipments of manure were transported by ship. It was shipped in dry bundles because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet. But once water hit it at sea, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began, a by-product of which is methane gas.
It didn't take long for methane to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before somebody figured out what was happening. Once they determined the role that manure played in the explosions, everybody began stamping the bundles with the term "Ship High In Transit," so that the sailors would know to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.
Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop in their lines in the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.
Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?"
Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro asks, "What did you say?"
Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro again asks, "What?"
Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Drop outs Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "What have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmmm, Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmmmm, How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em."
"Aaah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothihn' left but the lips and a brief case..."
How to tell the gender of inanimate objects:
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see
right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons Are
pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to Light a
fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but
it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female ... Ha! You thought it was male. But consider:
it gives a man pleasure; he'd be lost without it; and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie.
Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
2. Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen' s butt looked edible?
3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
12. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
13. Why do the "Alphabet" song and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?
14. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again someday.
A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door. She knocks and asks, "Honey, what is it?" Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done, and I tell you it took him forever to get it up there, and it hurt!"
"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository, I don't mind."
Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his shoulder to brace him and with right hand, quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband lets out a bloodcurdling scream.
"My god," says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"
"No!" cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH his hands on my shoulders!"
Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper.
Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in.
Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope.
Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters.
They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away.
They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch
slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake.
A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell
cigarette smoke from a block away.
By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes.
And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide
detective. So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?
My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?"
And if he tried to lie to her, she'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his
nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad.
He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer.
Inspectors! You want the job done? Call my mother.
True ?, Funny - Yes
Man Sues Tom Ridge Over Duct Tape Fears
Corona, CA(Corona Times) -
Tom Ridge's advice to Americans to stock up on duct tape and plastic has sparked a lawsuit which has been filed against him, the Department of Homeland Security and President George W. Bush.
Steven J. Bosell, the owner of B&B Construction in Corona, California, has filed a lawsuit claiming emotional distress, personal injury and sexual dysfunction after he wrapped his "privates" in duct tape to protect them from a biological attack.
"After watching Mr. Ridge on television advising us to stock up on duct tape and plastic, I went to the local Costco and bought $100 worth of duct tape to protect myself", Bosell said. "When I got home, I taped up my windows and doors. After I did that I realized survivors like myself are going to reproduce and populate the Earth after a biological attack, we have to protect our privates as well."
Bosell claimed in his lawsuit he wrapped his "privates" in duct tape as test of "Homeland Security". When he tried to remove the tape, Bosell injured himself when the tape began peeling off skin and body hair. After calling an ambulance, Bosell was taken to the hospital where the doctors and nurses laughed at him.
"I told the doctors and nurses at the hospital if they laughed, I would file a lawsuit against them and the hospital. They laughed anyway and I now have another lawsuit pending" Bosell said with tears streaming down his face.
"They went out their way to make me look like a fool. Once I saw the doctors scalpel go toward my privates, I totally lost it and blacked out".
Also named in the lawsuit is the President of the United States, George W. Bush. "President Bush is just as liable for injury to my reproductive future because he hired Mr. Ridge to run the Department of Homeland Security and Mr. Ridge gave the nation bad advice. They also made me look like a fool." Bosell sobbed.
The Department of Homeland Security and the Bush Administration have no comment on Mr. Bosell's lawsuit.
Copyright 2003 - The Corona Times
I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang:
ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ...
ME: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....
ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ....
ME: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr.Byron, please?
ME: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
ME: Ok, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
ME: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
ME: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
ME: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
ME: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance.?
AT&T: Excuse me?
ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme.? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ...
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.
At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.
SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron.?
ME: Yeth?
SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Is This AT&T?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother....
AT&T: click........
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day, and know that someone who thinks you're great has thought about you today!
1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend.
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember
who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running like hell.
9. Accuracy is relative: Most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
10. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
11. Someday, someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it
because it is empty.
12. Always win, even if you have to cheat. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
13. Have a plan.
14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible, i.e., "Duck before it happens!!"
16. Flank your adversary when possible. And protect your ass.
17. Don't drop your guard.
18. Always be tactical loaded and threat scan 360 degrees at all times.
19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
21. The faster you finish the fight, the less you will get shot at.
22. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
23. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
24. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
25. Do not attend a fight with a gun, the caliber of which does not start with at least a "5..."
Navy Rules for Combat:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Take U.S. Marines along for the ride.
3. Send the Marines into combat.
4. Drink Coffee.
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'"
- Chris Rock
An Amish couple had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.
The Amish man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said this occasion was very special to them and they needed a good room.
The clerk winked and asked "Do you want the Bridal?"
The Amish fellow thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.
The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
We've just been notified by Security that there have been six suspected terrorists working out of your office.
Five of the six have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.
Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time.
"The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." They ask for the good news first.
Aziz says, "The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs."
"And the bad news?" they ask.
Aziz replies, "He's lost an arm."
It's become almost routine for members of the American press to throw dumb or leading questions at members of the Bush administration.
Maybe that's one of the reasons why Secretary of State Colin Powell seemed so well prepared for the shifty question recently hurled at him by an Iraqi reporter.
According to the New York Post, one of Saddam's newshounds asked Powell, "Isn't it true that only 13% of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?"
"That may be true," Powell countered. "You're probably right. But unfortunately for you, all 13% are Marines."
STATEMENT FROM FRENCH'S MUSTARD
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:
"We, at the French's Company, wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY.
The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo shit in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of shit, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of shit in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway"?
The Indian says, "Me in training for management job. Drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for rest of the day."
For all you men, take heed. This is it. Understand this and you can stay out of whatever kind of trouble you feel the need to be in.
The Secrets of Women's Language - A must-read for any man
Keywords and their meanings:
"Fine":
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
"Five minutes":
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
"Nothing":
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
"Loud Sigh":
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
"Soft Sigh":
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
"Oh":
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised
eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
"That's Okay":
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
"Please Do":
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
"Thanks":
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.
"Thanks a lot":
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh, your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why yes I am!"
So they went to his place and when they were in bed screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
Legend has it that there is a restaurant in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror.
If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie -- poof! -- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." -- Poof! -- the mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm losing weight." --poof! -- The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." --poof!--
1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef!
15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.
Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
Feeling old Yet? There's more:
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)
They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to some other 20 old fogies...but don't send it back to me, I feel old enough.
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
What's all the screaming about in there? he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet, slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! you're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to
have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.
He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, only she would know the answer.
The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first:
The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had!
Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him!
The astounded Gawain asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question!
Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch?
Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read it until you've made your own choice.
Make YOUR choice BEFORE you read Gawain's answer! . . . . .
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is:
If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly.
Author Unknown
Subject: a new virus called "work"
There is a new virus called "work". If you receive "work" from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or any one else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order three drinks you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they checked her meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.
"When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were," gasped the woman, "I figured I'd better run too!"
Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing leads to another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white blouse, as well.
I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!
I thank you, once again, for a great product.
Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people!
Signed,
A Faithful User
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the comer of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell....The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".....
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." ....He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door"...........
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs him, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.....
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their big habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah... there are only 100 Nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana... there are only 50 Nuns living there.
The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho... there are only 25 Nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, and looked at the men, and calmly said, "Why don't you go to hell... there aren't any Nuns there!"
A kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts at the end of the year from her students. A little girl who's daddy owned a meat shop, came up to the teacher, and handed her a box. The teacher held the box above her head, and shook it. Then she said, "I bet it's some beef jerky." "Why, yes!" The little girl exclaimed. "How did you know?"
"Just a lucky guess..." The teacher replied.
Then a little boy who's daddy owned a sweet's shop, came up to the teacher and handed her a box. The teacher held it above her head, shook it and said, "I bet it's some sweets!"
"Yes it is! How did you know?" The boy asked.
"A lucky guess..." The teacher said.
Then a third little boy came up to the teacher. His daddy owned a liquor store. The little boy handed the teacher a box, and as the teacher went to hold the box above her head, she noticed it was leaking. She let a drop fall on her finger, and she tasted it.
"It's wine, isn't it?"
"No." The little boy said with a grin on his face.
So the teacher let a few more drops fall on her finger, and tasted it again. "It champayne isn't it?"
"No." The little boy said with his grin getting bigger.
"Alright." The teacher said. "I give up. What is it?"
The little boy then shouted... "IT'S A PUPPY!"
A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaii woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaii woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaii woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
A dinner conversation that took the wrong turn...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep!?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she wear my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "Well, I suppose so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit..."
An irate wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a newspaper. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name MaryLou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called."
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith".
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to the defendant and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Damn tightwad," the same man in the gallery blurted out.
"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.
The judge thundered at the man in the galley, "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts, I'll hold you in contempt!"
The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
Good Italian Humor......
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated
38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex
watch instead."
"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da business, you goina have
a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.
Soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another
man. Whata you do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP?"
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Westerners cross the states of Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota,Wisconsin, North Dakota, South Dakota, Illinois and Indiana; those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for... bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You can bring Coke into my house but it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 80 & 90 go two ways--Interstates 29 & 35 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves... It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the ball into the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot... his name is "Sir"... no matter how old he is.
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."
"What do you have to lose! You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short
flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"
Silence fell upon the congregation.
In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
Don't you just love little old ladies
A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten SOB ," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
1. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
2. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and then hand him the remote.
3. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
4. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist or haircut appointment by himself.
5. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
6. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never, ever be able to handle the pain of childbearing.
7. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
8. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
9. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
DUH?
Here are 29 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right?
These little simple questions are harder than you think--it just shows you how little we pay attention to the common place things of life. Put your thinking caps on.
Mind teasers of COMMON KNOWLEDGE. No cheating! No looking around! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!
Can you beat 18? (The average is 7) Write down your answers and check answers (on the bottom)
AFTER completing all the questions. REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! LET'S JUST SEE HOW
OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What two letters don't appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)
6. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
7. When you walk does your left arm swing w!your right or left leg?
8. How many matches are in a standard pack?
9. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?
15. On an NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
16. Which way do fans rotate?
17. Whose face is on a dime?
18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
19. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
24. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
25. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
26. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center?
27. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
28. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
29. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?
Monica Lewinsky & the Unibomber...
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the two words, Lewinsky (the Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unibomber), in a limerick.
Here are the three winners:
THIRD place:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
SECOND place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
And the WINNING entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.
If anyone has been in a hospital lately or knows anyone who has, you will appreciate this!!!!!!
Information Please
A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse".
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Sarah Fickle, in Room 302."
"I will connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Fickle in Room 302"
"Just a moment, Let me look at her records, Oh, yes, Mrs. Fickle is doing very well, In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement Dr.Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family
member or a very close friend!"
"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Fickle in 302! Nobody here tells me shit!"
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan... what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:
1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosovich and the rest of those 'good ole boys.'
We will never "interfere" again.
2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there.
We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.
3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are.
France would welcome them.
4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness.
The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.
The Language we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE...
Now, ain't that a winner of a plan?
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses."
She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, "You want a piece of me?"
A middle aged lady is concerned about the signs of aging she sees in the mirror. So she visits a plastic surgeon to ask what her options are concerning her rapidly sagging face.
"We can give you an old fashioned face-lift," he says, "or we can use a new high-tech procedure called the knob."
"Whats the knob, doctor?", she asks.
He replies, "It is a procedure where we install a knob under your hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and whenever you start to notice any new wrinkles and sagging, just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin will be nice and tight again."
"Oh, YES, doctor! That is what I would like to have," she says excitedly.
The operation is a complete success and she looks 15 years younger. As time passes, whenever she notices any new sagging, she simply tightens the knob and VOILA! Her face is again beautiful. One day about 8 years later she wakes up one morning and sees two very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she calls her doctor and reports the bags.
"Come down to my office right away and let me check it out!" the doctor says.
After examining her, he says, "Youve been tightening the knob WAY too much!! Those bags under your eyes are your breasts!"
The lady says, "Well! I guess that explains the goatee!"
A couple decide to elope and get married but on the way to the Registry office they are involved in a fatal car crash.
They find themselves standing next to St Peter waiting to be let into Heaven.
While waiting for him to finalise the paperwork, the couple ask if it's possible for them to get married in Heaven.
"I dont know," says St Peter. "This is the first time I have ever been asked. Let me go and find out."
After eight weeks waiting, St Peter returns and tells the couple that they can indeed get married, if they so wish.
However, during the long wait the couple have had time to think long and hard about their relationship and what might happen if the marriage doesn't work out (eternity is quite a long time after all).
So they ask St Peter if they can get divorced if it all goes wrong. St Peter goes red in the face and slams down his paperwork:
"Oh come on!" he shouts, "It's taken me two months to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it will take to find a lawyer?!"
Three Italian nuns died and went to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun said, "I want to be Sophia Loren" ... *poof*, she was gone.
The second said, "I want to be Madonna" ... *poof*, she was gone.
The third said, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter was perplexed. "Who?," he asked. "Sara Pipalini;" replied the nun.
St. Peter shook his head and said,"I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell". The nun took a newspaper out of her habit and handed it to St. Peter.
He read the paper and started laughing. He handed it back to her and said....
"No sister, the paper says it was the "Sahara Pipeline" that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.
The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he
realized she has a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these pills that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
It started with a parking ticket!
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse s**t.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. He tapped a headlight with his night stick and it broke, so he started writing a third ticket, for not having two headlights!
I really gave him s**t now and he "found" another reason, a disfigured license plate. Guess who disfigured it?
I was really mad and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. This went on for about 20 minutes...
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Strange Smell__
6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on?
Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse?
Yes__
10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you?
Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse?
Yes__
12. Have you read the manual?
Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual?
Maybe__ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it?
Yes__ No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?
l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00?
Yes__ What's a VCR?__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'?
Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem?
Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work?
Yes__ No__
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on?
Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top?
Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire?
Yes__ Not Yet__
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me?
Yes__
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married. She was a dream and I was very happy! There was only one thing bothering me. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, younger than my bride to be, and wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate, as she never did it when she was near anyone else.
The other day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married to her sister. I was in shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want to have me, just come up and get me." I was frozen as I watched her go up the stairs, pull down her panties and throw them down the stairs at me. I turned and went straight to the front door, opened it and stepped out of the house. I walked towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
The next morning, the farmer went out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there still tied to the stake. The farmer couldn't find a single bite on him but the salesman was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!!!"
A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in
the process, she told him he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log
on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p .. e .. n .. i .. s".
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.
This is kinda fun . . .
The phaomnneil pweor of the hmuan mnid . Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Ptrety amzanig
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife and three children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" the wealthy lawyer said.
They all climbed into the limo and once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "My pleasure, the grass in my back yard is about two feet tall."
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I am in here to get my tonsils out, and I am a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "WHOA, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born, couldn't walk for a year."
A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
A man and his daughter were standing in the garden one day when the little girl spots two spiders mating.
Mary: Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?
Dad: They're mating, honey.
Mary: What's the one on top called?
Dad: It's a daddy-longlegs.
Mary: So the one on bottom is a mommy-longlegs?
Dad: No, it's a daddy-longlegs, too.
Mary: (thinks for a minute, then stomps on both spiders) Well, we're not having any of that crap in OUR garden!
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheel barrel over to that out building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got!"
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheel barrel by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he says, "All right. Get in..."
An elderly lady called Verizon Phone Company to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, but on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, mostly just to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The
phone didn't ring but the dog barked loudly and then the telephone would ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate on the ground.
4. The wet ground would complete the circuit and the phone would ring.
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-ha-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy some Budweiser with it?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on fish bait instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't fished in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up Budweiser, gambling, and fishing."
A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here at the post office, we don't do anything but sit round and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that.
Once upon a time there was a family of storks: Papa Stork, Mama Stork, and Baby Stork. One evening, Papa wasn't at dinner. Mama left food out for him, but he didn't come home at all that night.
When he finally did come home the next day, Baby Stork asked, "Papa, where were you all night, last night?" Papa replied, "Out making a young couple very happy."
Several weeks later, Mama Stork was late for dinner. Papa and Baby waited for a long while, then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't make it home till late the next morning.
When she tiredly sank into her favorite chair, Baby asked her, "Mama, where were you all last night?" "I was out making a young couple very happy," she sighed.
Later that autumn, Baby was late for dinner. Papa and Mama were very concerned. Their anxiety increased when Baby still wasn't home by sunset. They waited up late together for Baby, but he didn't arrive home until early morning. Papa was angry. "Just where in the hell were you all night, Baby Stork?"
"Out scaring the s**t out of college students," Baby Stork giggled.
Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup . Just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS
10. "Be honest...have you ever seen a nicer spider hole than this?"
9. "Who's got a coat hanger -- this beard itches like a son of a bitch!"
8. "Anyone have a mint?"
7. "Is this about the illegal music downloads?"
6. "Am I going to be on 'Cops'?"
5. "Which describes me better right now -- 'haggard' or 'grizzled'?"
4. "How did you get past my impenetrable styrofoam brick?"
3. "Do I get the 25-million-dollar reward?"
2. "How's the war going?"
1. "Will you go easy on me if I tell you where Martha Stewart is hiding?"
Hey Babe, when was the last time you had a really good sleigh?
Care to see my twelve-inch elf?
I've got something special in the sack just for you!
Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
I know when you've been bad or good so let's skip the small talk, sister!
Some of my favorite toys run on batteries....
Interested in seeing the North Pole? (Well, that's what Mrs. Claus calls it)
I see you when you're sleeping and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
Screw the "nice" list. I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
Ho-Ho-How'd you like to shake like a bowl of jelly?
I put the 'scroo' in 'scrooge!
I've got something you can hang a wreath on!
One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer!
That is NO candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you.
Uh-yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers.
I got your stocking stuffer right here!
Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
