March 3, 1997

Three Engineers and three Accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Accountant.

"Watch and you'll see, " answers an Engineer.

They all board the train. The Accountants take their respective seats but all three Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Accountants decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

When they board the train the three Accountants cram into a restroom and the three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

March 10, 1997

March 17, 1997

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her.

The old lady says, "I make bets".

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it Ok with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

"Sure" says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there was no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. The little old lady looks closely at his ball and then asks if she can feel them.

"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure".

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

March 24, 1997


March 31, 1997

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guiness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; wouldn't you rather I draw fresh pints for you one at a time?"

The fellow replies: "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is now in America and the other, in Australia. When we all left home, we promised we'd drink this way to remember the days when we all drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The fellow becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars notice and fall silent, speculating about what might have happened to one of the absent brothers. When the fellow goes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The fellow looks confused for a moment and then a light dawns in his eye and says: "Oh, no everyone's fine. You see, it's just that I've given up beer for Lent."

April 7, 1997


April 14, 1997

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as Mother-In-Law 55.8 and Brother-In-Law Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0.
- - - - A "don't remind me again" button
- - - - Minimize button
- - - - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
- - - - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks - - all versions of GirlFriend continually popup little annoying messeges about the advantages of upgradeing to Wife 1.0.

* * * * * * * * * BUG WARNING * * * * * * * * *

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

* * * * * * * * * BUG WORK-AROUND'S * * * * * * * * *

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

April 21, 1997


Consider the changes we have witnessed:

We were born before television, before penicillin, before polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, plastic, contact lenses, Frisbee's and the PILL.

We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams and ballpoint pens, before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes -- and before man walked on the moon.

In our day closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of". Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne, and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along well with your cousins.

We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and Outer Space was the back of the Riviera Theater.

We were before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers and computer marriages. We were before day-care centers and group therapy. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yogurt, and guys wearing earrings. For us, time-sharing meant togetherness -- not computers and condominiums; a 'chip' meant a piece of wood; hardware, and software wasn't even a word!

In 1940, "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out" referred to how well you did on your exam. Pizzas, "McDonald's" and instant coffee were unheard of.

We hit the scene when there were 5 and 10¢ stores, where you bought things for five and ten cents. Sanders or Wilson's sold ice cream cones for a nickel or a dime. For one nickel, you could ride a street car, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one; a pity too, because gas was 11¢ a gallon.

In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable, Grass was mowed, COKE was a cold drink and POT was something you cooked in, ROCK MUSIC was grandma's lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office.

We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes was discovered but we were surely before the sex change; we made do with what we had. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby!!

No wonder we are so confused and there is such a generation gap today!!


April 24, 1997

Subject: Job Opening at Higher Source Web Development

If you're interested in reaching a higher level . . . .

Available Immediately.

Thirty nine positions at Higher Source Web Development, a web site development and production house. Our business has really taken off like a comet and we now have quite a few positions to fill.

The individuals at the core of our group have worked together for over 20 years. During those years, each of us has developed a high degree of skill and know-how through personal discipline and concerted effort.

We try to stay positive in every circumstance and put the good of a project above any personal concerns or artistic egos. By sustaining this attitude and conduct, we have achieved a high level of efficiency and quality in our work. This crew-minded effort, combined with ingenuity and creativity, have helped us provide advanced solutions at highly competitive rates.

Based in Rancho Santa Fe, California (near San Diego), we provide excellent opportunity for advancement to a higher place. In fact all of our employees have recently been promoted.

We provide free clothing, Nike tennis shoes, pudding, apple sauce and vodka. You must supply your own Phenobarbytal. Every employee is issued a large purple cloth, the purpose of which will become clear. Free haircuts too.

No Experience is necessary. We will train you to work and think within our business model.

ID is Required. Abduction experience a plus.

We are looking for real team players.

To the tune of "Ghost Riders In the Sky" by Johnny Cash

There was a band of hacker boys, far too close to L.A.
Thought they'd become astronauts by Jimmy Jones' way.
Their faces draped in purple and their hearts were mighty pure,
Assumed they'd ride a comet, now they're all room temerature.

Ghoooosssst Hackers iiiiinnnn the Skyyyyyy.

They all wore new black Nikes with their glasses by their heads,
"The aliens are comin'" were the last words that they said.
They thought alien paradise was their eternal lot,
But the National Enquirer was as far as they got.

Ghoooosssst Hackers iiiiinnnn the Skyyyyyy.

So if you're surfin' pilgrim, our electronic frontier,
Take off your hat and raise your mouse and shed a silent tear.
For 39 poor suckers who for Hale-Bopp gave their all,
By mainlining the Internet, and Phenobarbytol.

Ghoooosssst Hackers iiiiinnnn the Skyyyyyy.


April 28, 1997


May 1, 1997

With the rumors of layoffs, voluntary separation incentive programs available to anyone who doesn't want to leave, etc..., spreading like wildfire through the local tabloids and media, the following has been released for your consumption. Read it and eat.


1. As a result of the reduction in money budgeted for company purposes, we must cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of our younger people who represent our future plans.

>2. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early). Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system. Provided they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the reduction program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

3. All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may apply for a new re-employment eligibility service. This service will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Current regulations state that employees may only be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as many times as the management deems appropriate.

4. If an employee meets all the above requirements, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Person Entitlement Stipend). HERPES is considered as a bonus plan since the employee can no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the management. RAPED personnel may also get AIDS (Assistance for Immediate Displacement Services). Since AIDS has serious implications, one should request this service only once.

5. Employees can enhance their retention prospects by signing up for additional training. It is now and always has been the policy of the management to ensure that all employees are well-trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other organization in the country. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is especially trained to ensure that you get all the SHIT you can stand.

6. To ensure equal treatment of all employees, only management will be exempt from the above program.

May 5, 1997


Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together on the second tee when they hear a phone ring. The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "OK, buy 1000 Microsoft shares" the Canadian tells the other person on the phone, then hangs up. He then says to the others, "I'm such an important person that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere." On the next tee, they hear another phone. All of the sudden the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his ear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others "I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone." The people are impressed and move on.

On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German guy stands up tall and says "OK, sell the company now." He loosens up and tells the others "I'm so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal." Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing. At the next tee they hear another phone ring. All of the sudden the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes. The Japanese guy is in the bushes with his pants around his legs and squatting as if to relieve himself. "Oh, we're sorry," the American executive exclaims, "we'll leave you alone."

"That's OK," the Japanese executive says. "I'm just waiting for a fax."

May 8, 1997

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps the horse on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "this your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

May 12, 1997

Seminars For Men

Once again the female staff will be offering courses to men of all marital status. Please note that the names of some of the courses have been changed. Attendance in at least ten (10) of the following courses is mandatory.

101 Combating Stupidity
102 You can do housework too
103 PMS - Learning when to keep your mouth shut
104 How to fill an ice tray
105 We do not want sleazy under things for Christmas - Give us money
106 Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 3:00 a.m.
107 Wonderful laundry techniques (Formerly called: Don't wash my silks)
108 Parenting does not end with conception
109 Get a life - Learn to cook
110 How not to act like an ass hole when you are obviously wrong
111 Spelling - even you can get it right
112 Understanding your financial incompetence
113 You - The weaker sex
114 Reasons to give flowers
115 How to stay awake after sex
116 Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
117 Garbage - Hauling it to the curb
118 Sex #101-118 You can fall asleep without it, if you really try
119 Sex #101-119 The morning dilemma - IF IT'S AWAKE, TAKE A SHOWER!
120 How to put the toilet seat down
121 Give me a break - Why we know your excuses are bull shit
122 The weekend and sports are not synonymous
123 How to go shopping with your mate without getting lost
124 The remote control - Overcoming you dependency
125 Romanticism - Other ideas besides sex
126 Helpful posture hints for couch potatoes
127 Changing your under ware - it really works
128 How not to act younger than your children
129 You too can be a designated driver
130 Male bonding - leaving your friends at home
131 Honest, you don't look like Mel Gibson - especially when naked
132 The attainable goal - omitting @&%(*# from your vocabulary
133 Fluffing the blankets after farting is NOT necessary


May 15, 1997

Road Kill Image

May 19, 1997


Twin brothers were named Joe and John Jones.
The single brother was the proud owner of a
dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife
died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few
days later, a kindly old lady met Joe on the
street mistaking him for John and said "Oh
I am sorry to hear about your great loss."
You must feel terrible. Then Joe spoke up saying
"Well I'm not the least bit worried. She was
a rotten thing from the beginning. Her bottom
was all shriveled up and she smelled like a
dead fish and even the first time I got into
her she leaked water faster than anything I
had ever seen. She had a bad crack in her
back and a big hole in the front. The hole got
bigger every time I used her and she leaked like
anything. But this is what finished her. Four
guys from the other side of town looking for
a good time asked if I would rent her to them.
I warned them that she wasn't so hot. But
they said they would take a crack at her
anyway. The result was the fools all tried
to get into her at once. It was too much for
her, she cracked right up the middle."
At this point, the old lady fainted.

May 22, 1997

As summer approaches and our thoughts turn to the out of doors and all of the fun things one can do there, I felt this story was somewhat appropriate, particularly for the men, as per Rule #8 of the "Men's Rules For Women":

The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

It is a true anecdote


Just a story about lighting that fire . . . .

One of our favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble (really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department.

Each year, Goble and a bunch of engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill.

Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process. "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble said. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner." If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.

From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines).

By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard.

Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers.

On Goble's World Wide web page (the address is, you can see and hear actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition. What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds.

There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized, "said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund." Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked up with graditude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site.

But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced nations, such as France, to spit. Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud.

May 26, 1997

Work Better Under Pressure Image

May 29, 1997

To whom it may concern!
The Occupational Safety &
Health Administration. (OSHA) Has
determined that the maximum
safe load capacity on
my butt is 2 persons at a
time - unless I install
handrails or safety straps.

As you have arrived th in
line to ride my ass today
please take a number
and wait your turn.

June 2, 1997

There were three doctor's who died and went to Heaven. Waiting for them at the Pearly Gates was St. Peter. They had already been asked a number of questions about their lives as doctors, but St. Peter began to ask them about their personal lives.

He called the first one up and asked him how long he had been married. The first man answered he had been married 25 years. Peter asked him then if he had been faithful to his wife. The man stuttered a minute and admitted he had been unfaithful 5 separate times! Peter thought a bit, checked some of his records and said, "Well, considering they were one night stands and only 5 in 25 years averages to 1 every 5 years, we will allow you in . . . but you will only get a Chevy to drive!"

Peter then called in the second doctor and asked him the same question, "How many years were you married?" The man answered he had been married for 40 years. When Peter asked if he had been faithful to his wife, the doctor answered yes at first . . . and then changed his mind and admitted he had a mistress once for a few months, but felt so guilty that he stopped the affair and was faithful to his wife from then on. Peter thought a few minutes and again checked his notes. He said, "You have been honest and were actually unfaithful less than 7 times in 40 years. For your honesty and all of your other good works, you will be allowed into Heaven and will get a Cadillac to drive!"

Peter then addressed the third doctor with the same question. The doctor responded that he had been married 20 years but had NEVER been unfaithful to his darling wife! Peter looked at his records and praised the doctor's virtues, giving him a Rolls Royce to drive and a mansion to live in!

A few weeks later, the first two doctors were driving down the main road and saw the third doctor with his beautiful Rolls pulled over to the side of the road. He was kicking the tires, banging on the hood and sobbing uncontrollably! . . They asked him what was wrong . . . after all, hadn't he received praises and honors . . . a mansion and the Rolls . . . he got the best of them all!!! The man wailed that it meant nothing! . . Nothing at all! The other two doctors, perplexed, asked why not?

He told them, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"

June 5, 1997

Pms Cat Image

June 9, 1997

The Priest and the Housekeeper

In France, the Curates (young assistant priests) do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Rector (oldest priest in charge) and his housekeeper.

One day the rector invited his young curate to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the curate noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the rector and his housekeeper than met the eye. After the meal was over, the rector assured the curate that everything was purely professional . . . . . that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the rector and said, "Father, every since the new curate came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The Rector said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "My son, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The curate received the letter, and he answered it as follows:

"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."

June 12, 1997

A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you."

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want."

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?!?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girls, but a talking frog is really cool!

June 16, 1997

Bill of No Rights

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessing of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

You do not have the right to a new car, big screen color TV or any other form of wealth.

More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found , and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you.

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

June 19, 1997

Batgirl Image

June 23, 1997

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that he talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I punish them!"

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

June 26, 1997

Hard As Rock

A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall. He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with you chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."

His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen." His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not."

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was. His father replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother."


Stiff As Board

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

June 30, 1997

How To Tell Your Getting Older

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it is leaning against the wrong window.

You join a health club and don't go.

You begin to out live enthusiasm.

You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull night.

You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is " 25 Years Ago Today."

You turn off the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

You're 17 around the neck, 40 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.

You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

You are asked to be a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.

You have to much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

You're startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer."

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.

You burn the midnight oil after 9 p.m.

Your back goes out more than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.

The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

July 3, 1997

Lost Puppy Image

July 7, 1997

A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said . . . "Here put these on."

She put them on and his waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you forget it! I am the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said "try these on."

He tried them on and found that he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"


There's this plane about to crash. A good looking blonde realizes she doesn't have much time and wants some. She rips off her cloths and says "I need a man to make me feel like a woman!" A man jumps up, rips off his cloths, throws them at her, and says, "Here you go; iron these."

July 10, 1997

13 Ways to Tell You're An Older Student

* You're the only person sitting in the front row of class.

* The music in the student union gives you a headache.

* You remember when John F. Kennedy was president.

* You get nauseous watching a freshman eat a twinkie with a coke for breakfast.

* You have never played a video game.

* Your favorite shoes are older than your classmates.

* Someone tells you he didn't think there was life after 40.

* You don't carry you books in a backpack.

* You talk about painting the living room over spring break while everyone else is talking about Florida.

* You suspect that the girl sitting next to you paid more for her jeans than you did for your first car.

* You are the first one to arrive in class, and the last one to leave.

* You go to bed thankful that you will never be 18 again.

July 14, 1997

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes it's 3 a.m. and says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Well, honey, it's like this, I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with talcum powder and says, "You damn liar! ! ! You went bowling again! ! !"

July 17, 1997

Sress In Your Life Image

July 21, 1997

Bumper Stickers

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

The gene pool can use a little chlorine.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I,m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

"More hay, Trigger/" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life to seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I,m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Out of mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other time I let her sleep.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . .
. . . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car . . .

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

I souport publik edekasion.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those that can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

July 24, 1997

Top 10 things you'll NEVER hear one woman say to another woman:

1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?

2. Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!

3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.

4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.

5. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.

6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!

7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!

8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!

9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?

10. I just realized - - my butt doesn't look fat in this - - my butt is fat!

Top 10 things you'll NEVER hear one guy say to another guy:

1. Does my butt look fat in this?

2. I'm tired of beer. What do you say to a nice, fruity Chablis?

3. I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth!

4. Yours is bigger than mine.

5. I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous.

6. There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening at home, watching a movie on Lifetime about some woman who gives up her baby and then suffers miserably.

7. Want all my tools? I just realized I never do anything useful with them!

8. You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance commercials.

9. I'm deeply offended by young women who go bra-less.

10. Our team lost 10-1. But we tried our best, and after all that's the important thing.

July 28, 1997

A man had dreamt all his life of going to Rome. He told his friend, the local barber, all about it one day while having a haircut.

"How will you get there?"

"I'm going on Alitalia."

"No-not them," said the barber, "They have a terrible reputation. Where will you stay?"

"At the Rome Hilton."

"Forget it," said his friend, "I hear their hotel is abysmal. When you get there what will you do?"

"Why, I'm going to see the Pope."

"Come on. Who are you? You're not famous or well-known. Don't be ridiculous!"

A month later the man returned to get his hair cut again. "So, you never got to Rome, did you?"

"Oh, yes, I did! Alitalia was a wonderful airline. And the Hilton hotel was magnificent. And I did get to see the Pope."

"Well, what happened?" asked the barber anxiously.

"I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."

"You're kidding! What did he say?"

"He looked at me and said, 'Son, where did you get that lousy haircut?"

July 31, 1997

College Entrance Exam image

1. Sandbox

2. Man Overboard

3. I Understand

4. Reading Between the Lines

5. Long Underware

6. Crossroads

7. Downtown

8. Tricycle

9. Split Level

10. 3 Degrees Below Zero

11. Neon Lights

12. Circles Under the Eyes

13. High Chair

14. Paradise

15. Touchdown

16. Six Feet Underground

17. Mind Over Matter

18. He's Beside Himself

19. Backwards Glance

20. Life After Death

21. G.I. Overseas

22. Blank Program

23. See Thru Blouse

24. Just Between You and Me

August 4, 1997

Retirement Micro-management

A couple is having trouble taking care of their elderly father, as both of them work. After a long discussion they have decided that he would be taken care of better in a retirement home. After a long search the couple had decided on a nice home and took the old man there so he could check it out.

When they entered the facility they sat the old man down in the lobby as they had to fill out paperwork with the administrator.

After a few minutes, the old man started to lean to the left. He got about 45 degrees over when a nurse passing by straightened him up. "There you go Sir" and she walked away.

A couple of minutes after that, the old man started to lean to the right, He had almost reached 45 degrees when an orderly grabbed him and said "Here be careful, don't want to fall over" and walked away.

Minutes later the old man began to lean forward when his kids walked back with the administrator. The administrator seeing the old man leaning forward quickly righted him.

The couple assured that their father liked the place asked him what he thought of it.

The old man just looked at them and replied, "Its okay, but what does a guy have to do to fart around here!"

August 7, 1997

A tourist in a strange town notices that her watch is broken. She starts looking for a repair shop. After a long and frustrating search she finds herself in a area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally, she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks and watches ticking merrily in the window. She walks into the shop and puts her watch on the counter in front of the proprietor.

Tourist: "Would you please repair this watch?"

Proprietor: "Madam, I cannot repair your watch."

Tourist: "But why not? It is an ordinary model."

Proprietor: "Madam, I do not repair watches. I am a moel, I perform circumcisions."

Tourist: "Then why on earth do you have all these clocks in your window?"

Proprietor: "Well, and what should I have in my window?"

August 11, 1997

That honesty is the best policy was driven home to me a couple of days ago, when I went to the butcher's shop late in the day. A wizened old lady wanted to buy a lamb roast, so he'd pulled one out, weighed it, and told her, "That'll be $13.45, please."

"Too small, I'm afraid. Do you have a larger one?"

The butcher picked up the roast, went out to the back room, waited a while (it was obviously the last one he had in stock), and came back. "This one should be better. It's $15.20."

I was just about to explode in protest, when I saw the old lady give him a sly grin. "Thank you. That's perfect. I'll take both."

August 14, 1997

Elephant Joke Image

August 18, 1997

Top 10 Reasons Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the Star Trek Universe

10. In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun".

9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty five just to go into warp - - the Millenium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable - - after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in to his action.

6. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

5. One word : lightsabers.

4. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave 1.

3. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.

2. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

1. Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

August 21, 1997

A successful businessman flew to Los Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - - If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a BJ on the way?"

"What? Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK" and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

August 25, 1997

INTRODUCTION: All persons are assumed to be initially 0% nerd up until the time that the Nerdity Test is taken. If someone is asked to take the Nerdity Test and refuses for any reason (especially if trying to preserve their 0% nerd status) that person's score should then be altered to 100% (you'd have to be really nerdy to be that anti-social.)

For each question on the exam that you answer yes to, add 0.5% (200 questions total). We recommend that you merely make dashes on a piece of paper for each question you answer affirmatively too. Count these dash marks and divide by two. This is your percent nerdity.

Some questions have examples listed after them in parenthesis. These are to be taken as examples and not an all inclusive list. * * ALL * * technicalities count. Also, since nerdity is NOT a permanent condition, some of the questions reflect this. Anything labeled "are you currently . . .", "do you know . . ." as opposed to "have you ever . . ." etc. should be taken in the context of when the test is actually being given. Thus, if you know something nerdy now, and forget it by the time you take this test again, your nerdity score will go down.

For maximum enjoyment, it is also recommended that each person participating respond out loud. Anyone else taking the test with you is permitted to ask for details concerning your answer, but please treat such information confidentially, as nerdity is not something that people want others to know about.

Please use only a number two pencil. Mark all answers in your blue book. Show all work. A table of useful formulas is included at the end. You may begin . . . NOW!

SECTION 1: Education and Knowledge
1. Have you ever taken a "higher" math course? (Trig, Calculus)
2.gbrickat the college level?
3.gbrickand received an A (3.7 grade point)?
4. Have you ever taken a science course? (Biology, Physics, Chemistry)
5.gbrickat the college level?
6.gbrickand received an A (3.7 grade point)?
7. Are you still capable of doing things you learned in the "higher" math
8. Do you still know information you learned in the science course?
9. Have you ever majored in the "hard sciences"? (Engineering, Physics,
gbrickChemistry, etc. but excluding Psychology, Economics, etc.)
10. Have you ever taken Latin?
11. Have you ever asked a question in lecture?
12. Have you ever answered a question asked in lecture?
13. Have you ever corrected a professor in lecture?
14. Have you ever asked a rhetorical question?
15. Do you sit in the front row more than 20% of the time?
16. Have you ever had a "perfect attendance record"?
17. Do you take notes in more than one color?
18. Have you ever tutored someone else?
19. Have you ever done homework on a Friday night?
20. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

21. .. BASIC?
22. .. PASCAL?
23. .. FORTRAN?
24. .. assembly language?
25. Can you count in binary? (up to decimal 10)
26. Can you count in hexadecimal? (up to decimal 20)
27. Do you know Maxwell's equations? (integral or differential form)
28. Do you know Schroedinger's equation?
29. Have you ever solved Schroedinger's equation?
30. Do you know the right-hand-rule for cross-products?
31. Do you know the latin name (genus and species) for anything? (humans,
gbrickfruit fly, etc.)

The next few questions deal with physical constants. Mark yes for any that you can give the value (2 or more significant digits) for. Knowledge of the units attached is NOT necessary, just the numeric portion.

32. gravitational constant?
33. earth's gravity?
34. mass of an electron?
35. charge of an electron?
36. speed of light?
37. Planck's constant? (h or h-bar)
38. permitivity of free space? (epsilon naught)
39. permeability of free space? (mu naught)
40. Avogadro's number?
41. molar gas constant?
42. pi? (exception: more than 5 digits for a true answer)
43. e? (exception: more than 5 digits for a true answer)

Can you give the conversion factor between . . . (2 or more sig. digits)

44. .. centimeters and inches?
45. .. kilometers and miles?
46. ..joules and electron-volts?
47. ..atomic mass units and kilograms?
48. ..Celsius and Kelvin?
49. ..Celsius and Fahrenheit?
50. Can you briefly outline the biological processed that occur due to
51.gbrickwhile drunk?
52. Have you ever interpolated?
53. Have you ever extrapolated?
54. Do you know the difference between interpolation and extrapolation?
55. Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"?
56. Have you ever referred to something as an L.E.D.?
57. Have you ever referred to a ruler as a "straight-edge"?
58. Have you ever seen a "quartz crystal"?

Which of the following acronyms do you know the meaning of . .

59. .. RADAR?
60. .. MODEM?
61. ..DNA?
62. ..ATP?
63. ..NADP?
64. ..CRT?
65. .. CRC?
66. ..NORAD?
67. ..NASA?
68. .. LED? (see question 56)
69. Have you ever created an acronym in order to simplify your writing?

SECTION 2: Lifestyle and Possessions
70. Have you ever used a computer?
71.gbrickfor more than 4 hours continuously?
72.gbrickfor more than 8 hours continuously?
73.gbrickpast 4 a.m.?
74.gbrickon Friday, Saturday, Sunday of the same week-end?
75.gbrickwith someone you were physically attracted toward?
76.gbrickfor money?
77.gbrickas a source of entertainment? (computer game)
78.gbrickgbrickin the last three months?
79.gbrickgbrickin the last three week?
80. Have you ever programmed a computer?
81.gbrickto write a computer game?
82.gbrickto write a computer virus?
83. Do you still own any computer with less than 512k of RAM?
84. Have you ever used a modem?
85.gbrickto gain access to a system you do not have authorization on?
86.gbrickto call a government computer? (NASA, FBI, NORAD)
87. Do you watch more than 4 hours of TV an any given day in the last week?
88. Can you name more than 5 shows on PBS? (inc.:A&E, Discovery
89. Have you ever watched a PBS documentary?
90.gbrickin the last 3 weeks?
91. Have you ever watched Dr. Who?
92. Can you name or discuss the plots of more than 10 Star Trek episodes.

Can you whistle, hum, sing or snap the theme songs to . .

93. ..Gilligan's Island?
94. ..Flintstones?
95. ..The Brady Bunch?
96. ..The Jetson's?
97. ..The Adam's Family?
98. ..Dobbie Gillis?
99. ..I Dream of Genie?
100. Do you know most of the words to "The Lumberjack Song" by Monty
101. Have you ever played a non-sexual role-playing game? (D&D)
102.gbricksince leaving high school?
103. Have you seen all of the Star Wars movies?
104.gbrickin one 24 hour period?
105. Have you seen all of the Star Trek films?
106.gbrickin one 30 hour period?
107. Have you ever owned a pair of Spock ears?

Have you ever read anything by . . .

108. .. Douglas Adams?
109. .. Isaac Asimov?
110. .. Robert H. Heinlein?
111. .. Piers Anthony?
112. .. J.R.R. Tolkein?
113. .. TSR Hobbies? (i.e. a novel published by the D&D people)
114. Have you ever read -Innumeracy-?
115. Have you ever read -Cultural-Literacy?
116. Do you own an encyclopedia?
117. Have you ever read an encyclopedia entry that you weren't researching?
118. Do you own an almanac? (World, Farmer's)
119. Do you own an atlas?
120. Do you own a globe?
121.gbrickand have it on display? (on a desk, bookshelf)
122.gbrickthat has bumps corresponding to mountain ranges?
123. Have you ever used a chemistry set?
124.gbricksince the age of 13?
125. Have you ever used a rare earth element?
126. Have you ever dissected something?
127.gbrickwhile not involved in a biology class?
128. Have you ever bought something from Radio Shack?
129. Have you ever used an oscilloscope?
130. Have you ever used a microscope?
131. Have you ever used a telescope?
132. Do you own a voltmeter?
133. Do you own any remote control vehicles?
134. Can you program the time on a VCR?
135. Can you understand the owners manual for electronic equipment?
136. Have you ever faxed something?
137. Do you own a cellular phone? (car phone)
138. Do you own a non-standard calculator? (scientific, programmable)
139. Do you have a slide rule?
140.gbrickand know how to use it?
141. Do you own a pencil case?
142. Do you own a mechanical pencil?
143.gbrickand have refills for it?
144. Do you own a laboratory notebook?
145. Do you own any graph paper? (quadruled)
146. Do you own any log or semi-log paper?
147. Do you own a table of Integrals?
148. Do you play chess?
149. Were you ever on a chess team?
150. Were you ever on a math team?
151. Were you ever on a debate team?
152. Did you ever try out for a "trivia team"? (college bowl, JEOPARDY)
153. Were you ever in a science fair?
154.gbrickhave you placed in the top three?
155. Have you ever made a technical joke?
156.gbrickthat no one around you understood?
157.gbrickthat everyone around you understood?
158. Do you own a slinky?
159. Have you ever analyzed a slinky physically?
160. Do you own a Rubik's Cube?
161. Are you able to solve Rubik's Cube?
162.gbrickwithout using the book?
163.gbrickin less than two minutes?

SECTION 3: Clothing and Personality
164. Do both your socks match?
165. Do you own a digital watch?
166.gbrickthat plays music?
167.gbrickthat's currently set to chime on the hour?
168.gbrickthat has a calculator build in?
169. Do you have acne?
170. Do you have greasy hair?
171.gbrickwithout realizing it.
172. Do you own any clothing with scientific knowledge printed on it?
173. Are your pants too short?
174. Is you outfit coordinated? (have someone else evaluate this)
175. Have you ever worn button-down shirt and left the tails hanging down?
176. Are you socially inept?
177. Do you have a tough time remembering people's names?
178.gbrickbut no trouble with their numeric data? (phone#, SS#, address)
179. Are you taking this test alone?
180. Did you NOT go to your Senior Prom?
181. Did you go stag to your Senior Prom?
182. Do you talk to yourself?
183.gbrickwhen other people are around?
184. Do you talk to imaginary people?
185. Have you ever found a grammatical error in a published book?
186. Have you ever contemplated the meaning of life/existence of God?
187.gbrickwhile not drunk?
188.gbrickwhile alone?
189. Do you wear glasses?
190. Is your vision worse than 20/40? (in either eye)
191. Is your vision worse than 20/80? (in either eye)
192. Are you legally blind? (in either eye)
193. Do you own a pocket protector?
194.gbrickand are wearing it?
195. Was you SAT math more than 300 above your verbal?
196. Did you score higher than 1200 combined on the SAT?
197. Is you IQ greater than your weight?
198. Is your purity test score higher than your nerdity test score?
199. Have you asked for a technical clarification of anything on this test?

August 28, 1997

Chicken Image

September 1, 1997

Top 5 Reasons Computers Might Be Female

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future references.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.

2. The message "bad command or filename" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

And for all the ladies . . .
Top 5 Reasons Computers Might Be Male

5. They're heavily dependant on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a connection.

3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

September 4, 1997

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After sitting for a few minutes, he hears a voice say, "nice tie." He looks around but doesn't see anybody near him and so he forgets about it.

Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, "nice shirt." This time he looks everywhere; behind him, up and down the bar, under the chair, behind the bar, everywhere he can think to look, but he doesn't see anyone.

A few minutes later he hears, "nice haircut." He can't stand it any more, so he calls the bartender over and tells him he has been hearing this voice but can't figure out who is speaking.

The bartender says, "Oh that . . .that's the nuts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."

". . . . . they're complimentary."

September 8, 1997

Once there was a woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice a day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried to take his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly . . . "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

September 11, 1997

Elvis - Jesus Similarities

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)

Jesus is the Lord's Shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "Comeback" TV special.

Jesus said: "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said: "Drinks on Me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

Jesus was a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jump suits with lightning bolts.

Jesus lived in a state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".

Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate.
Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

September 15, 1997

Asshole Image

September 18, 1997

From the Alemeda County District Attorney's office: In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross examining a pathologist. Here's what happened:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

September 22, 1997

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.

"Great," he said, "I'll just slip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.

"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"

September 25, 1997

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out, knocked on the front door, and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig"

September 29, 1997

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that would service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy."

"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

October 2, 1997

Hunting Image

October 6, 1997

Two engineers were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said, "Nice bike. How much?" The first said, "It was free." The other one asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?"

The one with the bike said, "Yesterday, a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off all of her cloths and told me I could have anything I wanted." The other engineer said, "Good move. Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

October 9, 1997

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Texas A&M. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?" The young man thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."

"Why do you say that?" asked the president. "Well, a thought takes no time at all ... it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again." "Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, "What is the fastest thing in the world?" The young man paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink." "Why?" asked the president. "Because you don't even think about a blink it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant." The president thanked him, then called in the next person.

The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on." "I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the young man from Texas A&M was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?" "That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!" Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, I pooped all over myself!!!!!"

(He got the job....)

October 13, 1997


You must first remove the plastic cover, but understand that it means agreeing to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). They may, however, smell and look at your dinner. You must tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.Set the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50theat//
You enter: <ms//start.cook-dindin/yummy\l/yum-yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners are subject to frequent crashes, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated, and might solve your problem.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. Microsoft says these are for future menu items. However, the tray is so large that it will only fit in the largest industrial ovens, forcing many users to upgrade.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Users get excited about having veggies with their Microsoft dinners, often telling their friends about it, as though this were something new. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 1998. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

The box for the TV dinners is so large that it will not fit in many smaller freezers, and the shape prevents the storage of any other brand of dinners. Microsoft dinners are often not compatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. Calling Microsoft Help will elicit the explanation that your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Thank you for choosing Microsoft TV dinners.

October 16, 1997

Top 10 Signs You're Suffering From Burnout

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.

2. Your day-timer exploded a week ago.

1. You think about how relaxing your life would be if you were in jail right now.

October 20, 1997

Safe Sex Image

October 23, 1997

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and again yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

October 27, 1997

Pillsbury Dough Boy Wanted For Murder

[AP, Arkansas] A woman visiting her in-laws last week stopped by a supermarket to buy some flowers. She parked next to a car in which a woman was sitting with her eyes closed and hands clasped behind her head, apparently sleeping. When the visiting woman returned to her vehicle, she again noticed the woman, her hands still behind her head but her eyes open. The woman looked very distraught, so the woman tapped on the window and yelled "Are you okay?" the woman in the car answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in."

The visitor ran back to the store where store employees called paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. Upon entering, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion, and had hit the woman in the head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was brain matter. She passed out from fright and then attempted to hold her "brain" together when she came to.

October 30, 1997

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Mary's and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f --- ing putt!!!"

November 3, 1997

Imagine if we ALL lived like this.........

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING......... By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivater. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood." I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life. "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gun point by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices:

I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live. "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man." I knew I needed to take action.

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. She asked if I was allergic to anything. "Yes," I replied.

The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, "Bullets!"

Over their laughter, I told them,"I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

You have two choices now:
1. Save or delete this message.
2. Forward it to your dear ones.
Hope, you will choose choice 2.

All of life's best to you!

November 6, 1997

Kodak Image

November 10, 1997


A couple, aged 67, went to the doctors office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." and he charged them $16.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $60.00. Hilton charges $42.00. We do it here for $16.00 and we get back $12.80 from Medicare for a visit to the doctors office."

November 13, 1997

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'" ,said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the....."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move because of the pain. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"'

November 17, 1997


Sometime ago an English lady on a visit to Switzerland was looking for a room to rent for her next vacation there and asked the local schoolmaster for his assistance. He took her to see several places and she decided on one of them.

On her way back home to England, it occurred to her that she had not noticed any water closet (bathroom). She immediately wrote to ask whether or not there was a W.C. in or near the house. The Swiss schoolmaster, upon receiving the letter, was very troubled, for his English was not the best and he did not understand the abbreviation. Finally he asked the parish priest to help him. Together they tried to find out what the lady had meant by W.C. At last they concluded that she must mean, Wayside Chapel or stopping place to worship, so they wrote back:

"I have the pleasure to inform you that the W.C. is situated nine miles from the house in a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by wonderful scenery. It's capable of holding 240 people. It is open Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. There are a good many people who go early, although there is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate position, however, if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be glad to know that many people bring their lunch with them and make a day of it, while others who cannot spare the time, travel by car and arrive just in time. I would especially advise your ladyship to visit on Thursdays, for there is an excellent organ accompaniment on that day. The sound is excellent and even the most delicate tones are audible.

It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in our W.C. and it was, in fact, there that she first met her husband. I remember quite well the rush for seats. There were ten people on the seat that I usually occupy, and it was wonderful to watch the expressions on their faces.

My father has been going there since the day he was Christened. A wealthy resident installed a bell in our W.C. which rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held soon and proceeds are going towards helping to furnish plush seats, as the members feel that it is a long-felt need.

My wife, who is very delicate, cannot attend regularly. It has been six months since the last time she went. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often.

I shall be delighted to reserve a seat for you. Please write soon and tell me how often you think you can go. Thank you for writing me about this concern. I am humbly apologetic for not discussing this important facet of daily life with you during your last visit, but I was, in fact, thinking deeply about the subject, wondering how I might approach my ladyship if her movements towards such pursuits differed from mine. Now that you have solved the problem and made your needs known, I, on behalf of all the members of our W.C., welcome you with open arms into our midst and hope that you, in doing your duty, will appreciate as much as we do, just what can be accumulated by faithful attendance."

November 20, 1997

An American and a Russian wrestler were working their respective ways toward the championship match in the Olympic one year. But while both were very talented, the Russian had developed a special hold. Once in this hold, the Russian would always win as the contorted position did not allow his opponent to breath effectively. Consequently, once the Russian had established the "pretzel hold," as the media had dubbed it, it was a short time until his victim would lose consciousness.

Eventually the fateful day arrived and the American and the Russian were to meet for the gold. The American coach had been at his charge relentlessly that whatever he did, don't let the Russian get in a position where he could apply a pretzel hold.

The match continued in a rather unremarkable fashion as the two were pretty closely matched. But then the American made a mistake and the Russian was able to establish his now-famous hold. The American coach waited for the inevitable, but after a few seconds, to his surprise, his man broke free, threw the Russian and pressed his shoulders to the mat for a win. The arena erupted in wild disbelief and people flooded out onto the floor.

Eventually the American coach reached the champion and asked just what had happened.

"Well, coach," the champ said, "I thought I was a goner, but just before I was going to pass out I looked up and there were a set of balls right in front of me. So, I thought, what the heck! So I bit them."

"Boy, I can see how that would make a difference," said his coach.

"You bet," said the champ. "They were mine."

November 24, 1997

How My Day Went

November 27, 1997

The following are the first three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moment's Contest in New Woman Magazine.

"It was Christmas Eve, and I was on my feet all day working behind the cosmetics counter. I decided I would find a place to sit for a moment. I spied a tall plastic trash can and plopped down, resting my feet on a cardboard box. I allowed my body to ease into the can. About that time a few customers came to the register to check out, but I couldn't get out of the trash can. I was stuck; I couldn't believe it."

"The customers came around the counter to help me--some pulled my arms while others held the can. Then my manager came to the counter, wanting to know what was going on. He said he was going to call the fire department, who blasted in with sirens and lights. My hips had created a vacuum, so they had to cut me out of the trash can with a giant pair of scissors."

-Linda Evans; Winter Park, Florida

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go *right now,* I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "

"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."

-Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't take time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family--aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins--and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

"Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

-Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York

December 1, 1997

Four Men and Their Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the forth was a Union Member.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide rule, do your stuff". Slide rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Union Member and said, "What can your dog do"?

The Union Member called to his dog and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he insured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and went home on sick leave.

December 4, 1997

Things To Keep In Mind!!!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

... Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone ...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" ... till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do witches run spell checkers?

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Poch D'Etat!

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.



Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100%- compression

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted Cereal Port Not Responding

The name is Baud James Baud.

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15, 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

E Pluribus Modem

... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.

llth commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

Shell to DOS ... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS ...

All computers wait at the same speed.

DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Press < CTRL >-< ALT >-< DEL > to continue

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue ...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press Fl to continue.

"11640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981


Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit ...

Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_-"

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Read my chips: No new upgrades!

Hit any user to continue.

2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Disk Full - Press Fl to belch.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

December 8, 1997

Gene pool needs more chlorine...

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

December 11, 1997

Plant A Man Image

December 15, 1997

I think this may be one of those urban fairy tales . . .

If you think you're having a bad day . . .

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and a face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.

Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - - some 20 kilometers away from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it! One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300m in the air. Apparently, he extinguished 1.78m (5'10") of the fire.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!

December 18, 1997

A Networkologits's Christmas
12/15/95 issue of Network Computing

"Tis the night before Christmas", I thought with a frown.
I was stuck at the office. The network was down.
The routers were hung in closet. All crashed.
Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed.
Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun,
Had erased DLL's Windows needed to run
On 84 desktops way down in accounting.
I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
I saw that a server had something the matter.
There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive.
"No problem," I thought. "I'm set up with RAID 5."
But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable
Had disk drives that turned out completely unswapable!
"No problem," I thought. "I've tape backup to thank."
And then I discovered my backups were all blank.

The UPS burped, and its lights all went out.
I started to scream! I started to shout!
But nobody heard as I vented my rage.
Mu gurus were all on vacation those days.
And nobody's tech support answered the phone.
I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone.
When out at reception, I heard a soft knock.
As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock ...

"What's your problem?" he asked.
"Never mind, friend, I know.
I checked out your network five hours ago.
I did some pro-active analysis, so
I knew that this time bomb was going to blow."
Who was this guy? Who did he think that he was?
He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves.
His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius.
His smile cut down personal distance between us.

He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work.
"Whoever configured this network's a jerk,"
He said with a :-)> as he quickly rebooted,
Uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted
The LAN to a WAS that he quickly supplied
With bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide
That went via wireless, I think, LEO,
To tech support elves waiting at the North Pole.

"Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs!"
He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed.
"Cheer up, my good friend! Lose that mind set to tragic!
Technology often looks just like some magic
To people who don't understand what we do.
Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue!
Look at the protocols, check one or two,
Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! We're through"

My data was back! Every system checked out!
Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about
"How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!"
He said, "Really, my friend, it's not such a great trick,
If you don't give up hope, focus on what you're doing,
And read all of your issues of Network Computing."
And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing,
"Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!"

December 22, 1997

A new Christmas song for you to sing this year . . .

Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear
(sung to the tune of Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland)

Lacy things - the wife is missin,
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin, her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin, round in women's underwear.

In the store there's a teddy,
Little straps like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin, round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Marvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown,
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress - like Madonna,
Put on some eye shade,
And join the parade,
Walkin, round in women's underwear.

December 25, 1997

Missing Elf Image

December 29, 1997

Subject: North Pole Reduction in Force (RIF) Approved

Seasons Greetings

The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing.

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays!

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