January 1, 1998

THE LOCAL CAR DEALER, who was known to have taken advantage of several people in the community, informed a farmer he was coming over to purchace a cow, explains Nance Popp of Hill City, Kansas.

The farmer attached the following information to the cow so the car dealer knew what he was paying for:

January 5, 1998

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

5. Always remember to pillage before you burn.

6. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8. If "clothes maketh the man" then it follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.

9. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving to where you can't find them.

10. The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

11. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

12. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

13. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

14. The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.

15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

16. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

17. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

18. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

19. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

20. If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.

21. One-seventh of life is spent on Monday.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. This is as bad as it can get -- but don't bet on it.

24. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but only the pig enjoys it.

25. The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.

26. Drink varnish and you'll have a lovely finish.

27. We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.

28. If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

29. Employ teenagers - while they know everything.

30. The best antiques are old friends.

31. Down with gravity!

32. Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody...

33. People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.

34. Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

35. Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.

36. Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it really doesn't matter.

37. A friend in need may turn out to be a nuisance.

38. When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.

39. An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.

40. If you can't be kind, be vague.

January 8, 1998

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin, ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me ..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Mother Mary! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda...... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

January 12, 1998

Reasons it's great to be a guy:

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Night Football.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8. You can open all your own jars.

9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why Stripes is funny.

19. Your last name stays put.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

27. You never have to clean the toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.

34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

35. You don't have to shave below your neck.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.

37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.

40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president.

43. Flowers fix everything.

44. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

45. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

46. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

47. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

48. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

49. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

50. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

51. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

52. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

53. The world is your urinal.

54. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

55. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

56. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.

57. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

58. Same work .... more pay.

59. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

60. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

61. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

62. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

63. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

64. The remote is yours and yours alone.

65. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

66. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.

67. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

68. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

69. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"

70. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

71. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

72. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

73. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

74. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

75. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So ... notice anything different?"

76. Baywatch.

77. There is always a game on somewhere.

January 15, 1998

January 19, 1998

There were three men who were lost in the jungle. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they could pass the trial. First they would have to go into the jungle with a cannibal escort and gather ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the rest of the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and eaten.

The second one arrived and showed the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the rest of the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7 ... 8 ... But on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and therefore also was killed and eaten.

The first man and the second man met in Heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it." The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw that the third guy coming in from the jungle was carrying watermelons."

January 22, 1998

Mike Shanahan coach of the Denver Broncos, trying to do everything he can to prepare for the SuperBowl, decides to find out from Mike Holmgren coach of the Green Bay Packers what his secret is. So, Shanahan travels up to a Packer practice and asks Holmgren, "Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret?"

Holmgren responds by calling Brett Favre over. "Brett, who's your father's brother's nephew?" Favre answers, "Why coach, that's easy. It's me."

Holmgren turns to Shanahan and says, "That's the secret, Mike. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback."

Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Shanahan returns to Colorado and the Bronco work-out. He promptly calls over old man Elway.

"Elway! Who's your father's brother's nephew?" old man Elway looks perplexed, thinks a minute and says, "Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?"

Shanahan (disgusted) says, "OK."

During practice, old man Elway calls over Terrell Davis. "Terrell, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?"

Davis: "Duh! That's easy. It's me!"

After practice, old man Elway catches up with Shanahan: "Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Terrell Davis."

Shanahan (angry): "No, No, NO! You idiot!! It's Brett Favre!!!"

January 26, 1998

Two Statues in the Park

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

January 29, 1998

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said.

The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait, sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

February 2, 1998

Another reason not to have cats. . .

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.

By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! " she harkened, "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).

"Reset it yourself!"

"I'm scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

. . . . . . . Pause . . . . . . . "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now, when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

. . . If they had only known.

February 5, 1998

The New Version of The Presidential Seal

February 9, 1998

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said: "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So my wish is for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said: "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

February 12, 1998

Feeling Stressed Out?

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop! ... back under they go...

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now... feeling better?

February 16, 1998

50 Facts About Men

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

7. If it's attention you want, don't get involve with a man during play-off season.

8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them,feel important.

9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget ... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Ye s, but not with each other."

37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks.11 On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. we need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. when a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

50. All men would still really like to own a train set.

February 19, 1998

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and-pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs ... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

February 23, 1998

February 26, 1998

Short Jokes #1

When Silicon Valley wants to look good, it measures itself against Detroit. The comparison goes like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.

In response to all this goading, Detroit grumbles: Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's four dollars and ninety-five cents a minute.

March 2, 1998

True story about the passengers on-board a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during some recent bad weather.

The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.

"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?' But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."

After a short pause and several clicks ... "Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin, ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about now."

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee"

March 5, 1998

It's time to stop fishing; we've caught our limit.

We don't keep firearms in this house.

I just can't wait for that Fellini festival.

Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

That's enough ketchup on those eggs.

I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pickup!

Alex, I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000.

That Civil War documentary was excellent.

I think communists are backing the NRA.

Good heavens, that's gaudy!

Honey, did you mail that contribution to Greenpeace?

Let's stop and fill up. We don't have but a quarter of a tank.

It just can't be fixed.

We're vegetarians.

Baby, those jeans are too tight.

I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.

Don't tie it on top of the car.

My mama can't make cornbread.

Deer heads detract from the decor.

I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

Why'd you cut the sleeves off your t-shirt?

The tires on that truck are too big.

I've got it all on a floppy disk.

Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

Lisa Marie was lucky to snag Michael Jackson.

Duct tape won't fix it.

I'm a Shiite Muslim.

I don't want a flannel shirt for Christmas.

Jimmy, get in here quick - the Boston Marathon's on Channel 2!

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Checkmate.

She's too old to be wearing that bikini.

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" we haven't seen.

I don't have a favorite college team.

Who's that guy that wrote "Gone with the Wind"?

Mama, don't paint the poodle's toenails. It looks silly.

Aren't you going to recycle that?

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

I wouldn't drive an American make if you paid me.

Those Monster Truck show tickets are too expensive.

I really admire Teddy Kennedy.

Where'd you get your doctorate?

That movie won "Best Picture" at Cannes.

It's January - take the Christmas lights down.

Bailing wire won't hold it.

Just a second, Irene, I'm going to pull over and check the map.

What's on "Masterpiece Theatre" this evening?

March 9, 1998

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father--a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon."

Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell ...

Ms Smith: "Good morning."

Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.

Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."

Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."

Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."

Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."

Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, I aim to please."

Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."

Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."

Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"

Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Ms Smith: "She was?"

Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"

Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"

Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."

Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."

Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith? ... Ms Smith? ... My word, she's fainted!

March 12, 1998

March 16, 1998

Charlie Brown Specials We'd Like to See

A few years ago, Charlie Brown and the "PEANUTS" gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, "WHY, CHARLIE BROWN, WHY?"

Recently, MetLife has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the "PEANUTS" gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability.

Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some "PEANUTS" specials for the kids of the 90's?

We could learn about V.D. in, "IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN."

Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted pregnancy in, "IT'S BLUE, CHARLIE BROWN!"

Is Linus gay? Find out in, "IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN."

Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in, "YOU MADE ME DO THAT, CHARLIE BROWN!"

See how the "PEANUTS" gang deals with date rape in, "NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"

Discover a father's forbidden love in, "IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN."

Franklin speaks! The "PEANUTS" gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in, "IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN!"

What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego, "Mr.Clean" in, "GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN."

Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing Social Security checks and boosting automobiles in "GO BLAME SOCIETY,CHARLIE BROWN!"

March 19, 1998

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on some scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. When lunch time arrived they opened their lunch buckets and began to eat.

The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna sandwich again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping, too."

The next day at lunch time the Irishman opened his lunch box and found corned beef and cabbage. At that point he stood up and jumped to his death. The Mexican then opened his lunch bucket and seeing a burrito, jumped too. The redneck, having just watched his two friends drop to their death, shrugged and opened his lunch bag. Upon seeing yet another bologna sandwich, he too jumped to his death.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife, tearful and sad said, to the other two widows, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife, having just buried her husband the day before, nodded and sadly said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." The two then turned to the redneck's wife whose husband's funeral was the next day. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He made his own lunches!"

March 23, 1998

MAN CAUGHT BY HIS CATFLAP

"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the catflap," Gunter Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany.

"I suppose that is the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, because they’re too small for people, and perhaps..... I should have realized that."

Burpus (41), a gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys.

"I got my head and shoulders through the flap but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing, I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory.

"I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled. After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said "Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously"...... and left me there.

"People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said: 'Very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers.

No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. The rescue services came and cut me out, but the police arrested me as soon as I was free. Luckily, they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 ($2,000) in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted."

March 26, 1998

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, If someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your dad, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

March 30, 1998

April 2, 1998

Short Jokes #2

A science-minded soul, hoping to double his production, flew to Scotland, had himself cloned, and brought back his second self, only to learn that sorry sequel would utter nothing but vile profanity. Fearing ruin, the original lured his lascivious look-a-like up a mountain, pushed him off a cliff, and went back down the trail in deep relief. But witnesses saw it all. Police charged the fellow with making an obscene clone fall.

Q. Do you know when its bed-time at the Michael Jackson house?
A. When the big hand covers the little hand....

A blonde, red head and brunette were in an English Channel breast stroke competition. The redhead won, the brunette came in second. Hours and hours went by, finally the blonde arrived. Happy that she was still alive everyone embraced her. She hugged the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser but I think those other girls used their arms".

Q. What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula?
A. autoexec.bat

ANOTHER BODY FOUND ! ! !
Apparently one of the less astute members of the cult was found under the sink, behind the Comet.

April 6, 1998

DEAD MEN READ NO MAIL:
By Scott Hanson
Excerpted from the Orlando Sentinel Star newspaper.

My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding address. Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn't expect much really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent and a host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more.

You would think a death notice would cut down on the amount of correspondence from those firms. Quite the contrary. Instead -- for months, mind you -- my deceased father continued to receive mail from companies that had been told of his passing but pressed on, determined to contact him anyway.

The first to hope for a reply from beyond the grave was my father's bank.

Dear Phoenix Branch,
This is to notify you once again-that Mr. Hanson died Jan 02, 1995. It is therefore unlikely he will be overdrawing his account. Please close his account, and adjust your books accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

Later that same week, I receive this note from Dad's insurance company. Again, this is a firm that had been told in no uncertain terms of his death.

Dear Insurance Agent,
This is to remind you that Mr. Hanson has been dead since January. As such, the odds he'll be involved in a collision are quite minimal. Please cancel the policy, and adjust your books accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

The next day, I went to my mailbox to find this:

Dear Psychic Reader,
My father regrets he will be unable to call your 1-900 number. As a psychic reader, I'm sure you already know my father is dead, and had been for more that three weeks when you mailed your letter to him. I sense my father would be more than happy to take you up on your offer of a psychic reading, should you care to meet with him personally.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

P.S. Should you be in contact with my father in the future, please ask him if he'd like to renew his car insurance.

A few months of calm passed, and then these arrived:

Dear San Diego District Office,
I am writing to you for the third time now to tell you my father died in January. Since then, the number of checks he's written has dropped dramatically. Being dead, he has no plans to use his overdraft protection or pay even the minimum amount due for a service he no longer needs. As for future borrowing needs, well, don't hold your breath.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

Dear Collection Agency,
I told your client. Now I'm telling you. Dad's dead. He doesn't need insurance. He's dead. DEAD, DEAD, DEAD. I doubt even your lawyers can change that. Please adjust your books accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

A few more months, and:

Dear Los Angeles Regional Office,
I am writing for the fourth time to the fourth person at the fourth address to tell your bank that my father passed away in January. Since that time, I've watched with a mixture of amazement and amusement as your bank continues to transact business with him. Now, you are even threatening his credit history. It should come as no surprise that you have received little response from my deceased father. It should also be small news that his credit history is of minor importance to him now. For the fourth and final time, please adjust your books accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

Dear Insurance Agent's Collection Agency,
You may contact my father via the enclosed 1-900 number.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

It has now been a couple of months since I've heard from these firms. Either the people writing these letters finally believe my father is dead, or they themselves have died and are now receiving similar correspondence. Actually, there has been a lesson in these letters. Any one of them would be cause for great worry, if sent to a living person. The dead are immune from corporate bullying. There's nothing like dying to put business correspondence in its proper perspective. Perhaps that's the best reason not to fear death: there's no post office there.

(Scott Hanson is a news reporter and anchor with WESH-Channel 2 in Orlando.)

April 9, 1998

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year". The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said,"Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year." "Okay," they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him", said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board" was the reply.

April 13, 1998

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful ..."

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out ... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

April 16, 1998

I DO NOT recommend this, but thought you might be interested.

Tax Filing Tips (*use at your own risk)

Have Fun with the IRS ...
This from experiences of a former IRS employee:
During my short employment tour with the IRS in the mail room, I've found several harmless ways to mess with them and receive no recourse.

Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put staples down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.

Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

If you are very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.

On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out a few nasty forms.

Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional, like on the back of a Kroger sack.

When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the Tax Man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.

April 20, 1998

April 23, 1998

Major Technological Breakthrough! ! !

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge-device (BOOK) . .

The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. . It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover! Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works . . . Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOK's with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. . The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. .

An optional "BOOK mark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. . BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOK's by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. . The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Link Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon. .

April 27, 1998

By the time Bill pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken." You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded to the last hotel manager," or just a bed - I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him." I'll take it."

The next morning Bill came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.

"Never better," Bill said.

The manager was impressed." No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Bill said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

April 30, 1998

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of . . . Cindy Crawford! Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned. . . . . . . ."

May 4, 1998

PRISON VS. WORK
"Author Unknown"

IN PRISON ... you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON ... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK ... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON ... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK ... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON ... a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK ... you must carry around a security card and unlock and open
all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK ... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON ... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK ... you have to share.

IN PRISON ... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK ... you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON ... you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside
wanting to get out.
AT WORK ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON ... there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK ... they are called managers.

May 7, 1998

May 11, 1998

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The battle was on, and once again the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their captain for his usual command.

The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

May 14, 1998

A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother".

May 18, 1998

Face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore it's paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we,talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful-carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they,are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Written by Richard Lederer

May 21, 1998

This is wild..... It is sure to give you goosebumps.
Do not read the ending first! You'll ruin it!

Believe it or not . .

Of all the tales of the supernatural, this one is perhaps the best documented, the most disturbing and the most difficult to explain. The Princess of Amen-Ra lived some 1,500 years before Christ. When she died, she was laid in an ornate wooden coffin and buried deep in a vault at Luxor, on the banks of the Nile.

In the late 1890's, four rich young Englishmen visiting the excavations at Luxor were invited to buy an exquisitely fashioned mummy case containing the remains of the Princess of Amen-Ra. They drew lots. The man who won paid several thousand pounds and had the coffin taken to his hotel. A few hours later, he was seen walking out towards the desert. He never returned. The next day, one of the remaining three men was shot by an Egyptian servant accidentally. His arm was so severely wounded it had to be amputated. The 3rd man in the foursome found on his return home that the bank holding his entire savings had failed. The 4th guy suffered a severe illness, lost his job and was reduced to selling matches in the street.

Nevertheless, the coffin reached England (causing other misfortunes along the way), where it was bought by a London businessman. After 3 of his family members had been injured in a road accident and his house damaged by fire, the businessman donated it to the British museum. As the coffin was being unloaded from a truck in the museum courtyard, the truck suddenly went into reverse and trapped a passer-by. Then as the casket was being lifted up the stairs by two workmen, one fell and broke his leg. The other, apparently in perfect health, died unaccountably two days later.

Once the Princess was installed in the Egyptian Room, the trouble really started. Museum night watchmen frequently heard frantic hammering and sobbing from the coffin. Other exhibits in the room were also often hurled about at night. One watchman died on duty; causing the other watchmen to want to quit. Cleaners refused to go near the Princess too. When a visitor derisively flicked a dust cloth at the face painted on the coffin, his child died of measles soon afterwards. Finally, the authorities had the mummy carried down to the basement, figuring it couldn't do any harm down there. Within a week, one of the helpers was seriously ill, and the supervisor of the move was found dead on his desk.

By now, the papers had heard of it. A journalist photographer took a picture of the mummy case and when he developed it, the painting on the coffin was of a horrifying, human face. It was said that the photographer went home, locked his bedroom door and shot himself.

Soon afterwards, the museum sold the mummy to a private collector. After continued misfortune (and deaths), the owner banished it to the attic. A well known authority on the occult, madame Helena Blavatsky, visited the premises sometime later. Upon entry, she was seized with a shivering fit and searched the house for the source of "an evil influence of incredible intensity". She finally came to the attic and found the mummy case. "Can you exorcise this evil spirit ?" asked the owner. "There is no such thing as exorcism. Evil remains evil forever. Nothing can be done about it. I implore you to get rid of this evil as soon as possible." But no British museum would take the mummy; the fact that almost 20 people had met with misfortune, disaster or death from handling the casket in barely 10 years was now well known.

Eventually, a hardheaded American archaeologist (who dismissed the happenings as quirks of circumstance), paid a handsome price for the mummy and arranged for its removal to New York. In April 1912, the new owner escorted his treasure aboard a sparkling new White Star liner about to make its maiden voyage to New York. On the night of April 14, amid scenes of unprecedented horror, the Princess of Amen-Ra accompanied 1,500 passengers to their deaths at the bottom of the Atlantic.

The name of the ship was Titanic.

May 25, 1998

May 28, 1998

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am."

After a short while, he asked her what she was.

She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

June 1, 1998

There was once an orchestra giving a huge concert, and they were playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. (Yes, he had a ninth check it out.) Since this is a rather long and difficult piece of music to play, there was a scheduled intermission immediately before the last movement.

During this time, the tuba, or bass players decided to run across the street from the concert hall, and grab a few quick drinks to help them make it through the last movement.

The first and second chair clarinet players were having a secret affair, and snuck into the practice rooms for a rendezvous.

Not to be left out, the concertmeister thought that it would be REAL cute to play a practical joke on the conducter, who he had had a running feud with for several years. He snuck up to the podium during intermission, and with some string that he had hidden in his suit coat, he proceeded to tie knots around the musical score that the conductor used to lead the orchestra.

Finally, the intermission was over, and the conductor walked up to the podium, ready to lift his baton to begin the final movement. He immediately discovered the problems facing him it was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, two were out, and the score was tied . .

June 4, 1998

This was an actual letter from and reply to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

Reply To: Grand Rapids District Office
State Office Building 6th Floor
350 Ottawa NW
Grand Rapids MI 49503-2341

Department Of Environmental Quality
Hollister Building, PO Box 30473
Lansing MI 48909-7973
Russell J. Harding, Director

December 17, 1997

CERTIFIED

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

---- Reply Letter----

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris.'' I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first.

As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,
Stephen L. Svensen

June 8, 1998

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart...... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

June 11, 1998

June 15, 1998

HOW TO MAKE MONEY IN MEXICO

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him. He falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding.

Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what is a pińata?"

June 18, 1998

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

June 22, 1998

Men often find blowing off a chick the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a chick it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week.". But there is now a great way to blow a chick off. It's safe. It's affordable, and the best thing is the chick has no opportunity to throw things at you. And it's at your fingertips right now. E-mail.

That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling chicks they're not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless?

Following is an Email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on waivers. The text of the letter Follows.

Hope it comes in handy.

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those that apply)
____Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.

____Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

____Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckloads indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.

____You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

____The only question you asked was how much money I make.

____You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

____My breasts are bigger than yours.

____Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

____Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

____The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative Bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

____Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

____Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be "just like" your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate. I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

Your Name (Optional)

June 25, 1998

Rules for cats who have a house to run:

1. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

2. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.

3. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

4. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as "hampering."

The following are the rules for "helping":

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

5. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

6. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

June 29, 1998

AND YOU THINK YOUR JOB STINKS !

July 2, 1998

A LITTLE STORY

This is a story about four people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was
Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could
do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't
do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody
when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

July 6, 1998

Jesus and Mohammed have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with Bhudda as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.

Moments later, the power is restored, and Bhudda announces that the contest is over. He asks Mohammed to show what he has come up with. Mohammed is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says Bhudda, "Let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Mohammed is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

Bhudda chuckles, "Everybody knows ... Jesus saves."

July 9, 1998

A man hears a knock at the door.

"Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here to get Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?"

The man chuckles and calls his daughter.

Flo runs out the door, and her and Joe leave.

Knock at the door.

"Hi, my name's Eddy, I'm here to get Betty. We're gonna go eat some spaghetti. Is she ready?"

This time the man starts cracking up, but he still calls his daughter, and she and Eddy leave.

Knock Knock.

"Hi, my names Buck."

The man slams the door shut.

July 13, 1998

WHY WE'RE ALL SO TIRED

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I've discovered the real reason I'm tired is because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.

And you're sitting there screwing around with e-mail.

July 16, 1998

July 20, 1998

At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he reasoned, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

July 23, 1998

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality. When he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

-- Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

July 27, 1998

Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines.....

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee .... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

United Airlines Flight Attendant: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called 'touch down'."

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

July 30, 1998

A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are some results...

- As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. [winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems]

- What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

- How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

- E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only to be used for company business.

- Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.

- This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

- Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

- No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.

August 3, 1998

August 6, 1998

This is an actual extract from a Home Economics text book, printed in the early 60's. Absolutely unbelievable. Men love it. Women can't believe it actually existed.

The Good Wives Guide

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return home from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.

Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.

He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too.

After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late home for dinner, or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness ...

August 10, 1998

Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife:

Dear Diary:

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prosaic with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)

Day 5
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!

Day 6
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker.

Day 7
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?

Day 8
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

Day 9
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.

Day 10
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!

Day 11
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.

Day 12
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

Day 13
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: Stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.

August 13, 1998

This married couple is on holiday in Pakistan. They're touring around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they pass this small sandal shop. From inside they hear a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say you, foreigners! Come in, come into my humble shop. salam a leekem! (Hello in English) So the married couple walks in. The Pakistani man says to them "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in."

They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel. "Well, the wife after hearing this is really interested in buying the sandals, but her husband feels he really doesn't need them, being the sex god he is. The husband tells the man,"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replies "just try them on." Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally concedes to try them on. The husband tries them on and gets this wild look in his eyes, something his wife has not seen in many years, raw sexual power. In a blink of the eye, the husband rushes the Pakistani man, throws him on a table and starts tearing at the guys pants. All the time the Pakistani man is screaming, "You've got them on the wrong feet!"

August 17, 1998

Actual Business Signs

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

Sign outside brothel: On Vacation. Beat it.

August 20, 1998

Evolution ?

August 24, 1998

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.

Sincerely,
Project Leader

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following Memo was soon sent following "The Letter"

That stupid dolt was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second line (i.e.. 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, ..) for my true assessment of him.
Regards,

Derek Crabb
Project Leader

August 27, 1998

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then, there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

(... The student received an "A" in the class.)

August 31, 1998

Judy was pulled over for speeding by a Pennsylvania State Trooper on the PA. Turnpike.

When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball."

He replied, "No, State Troopers don't have balls."

There followed a long moment of silence while she smiled and it dawned on him just what he'd said.

He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing so hard she couldn't even start her car for several minutes.

September 3, 1998

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen sometimes a billion-to-one shot, at least."

The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began April 23 when the conscientious zoo keeper noticed that his prize, 8,000-pound African elephant didn't seem to be producing his usual poop aplenty. "Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because he knew that severe constipation can kill an elephant," assistant zoo keeper Kurt Herrman recalled. "He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday night to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema.

"I offered to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had everything under control." But two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of muck, his body visible only from the knees down. "I had never really thought about it before," Detective Dern said. "But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very dangerous activity and not something that should be attempted alone."

September 7, 1998

September 10, 1998

A KISS IN THE DARK

Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking,
"Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself,
"Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major,
Rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking,
"What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

September 14, 1998

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

September 17, 1998

A fellow stopped at a rural petrol station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, Mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

September 21, 1998

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 61 graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. Test line ... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

September 24, 1998

September 28, 1998

Student ...

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

October 1, 1998

3 Friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!"

October 5, 1998

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

October 8, 1998

Subject: Michael Jordan

Question:"Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

Answer: Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he is there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be "reimbursed" $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will have hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1998.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

But ...

Jordan would have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.

Nerds win.

October 12, 1998

It's Not My Job !

October 15, 1998

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and be forever happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought "I don't f _ _ king think so."

October 19, 1998

Are you feeling old? If not, consider this;

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.

They were pre pubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one.

The digital Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels.

They were born the year that Walkman were introduced by Sony.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They have no idea what "and my name is Charlie. They work for me." means.

They don't know that "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" is Jenny's phone number.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard the term "Where's the beef?".

Do you feel old now? Remember, the people who don't know these things will be in college this year. And we're sitting at our desks . . . in our offices . . . and are tired by 11:30 at night . . .

October 22, 1998

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my gosh!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come quick!" the boy said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is?"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one ..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

October 26, 1998

HALLOWEEN SAFETY GUIDE

*When it appears you have killed the monster, never, check to see if it's really dead.

*Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

*Do not search the basement, especially if the power goes out.

*When you have the benefit of numbers, never go at it alone.

*As a general rule, do not solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

*Never stand in, above, on, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, or any house of the dead.

*If searching for something that caused a noise and you find out it was just your cat, leave immediately if you value your life.

*Do not take anything from the dead.

*If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

*If you are running from a monster, expect to fall down at least twice, more if you are of female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running at full speed and the monster is merely tripping along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up to you.

*If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, fascination for blood, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

*Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (real trouble), and of course HELL.

*If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to use the phone.

*Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, axes, lawn mowers, or any device made from deceased companions.

October 29, 1998

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you are someone else.

5. 10 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you are kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

AND

1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!

November 2, 1998

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife after sleeping soundly for an hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because the hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around an the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action".

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you . . . the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"

November 5, 1998

November 9, 1998

The Densa Quiz!

Scoring is as follows: Correct Answers Rating:

12	  Genius

10-11	  Above Normal

7-9       Normal

4-6       Slow

1-3       Idiot

0	  Brain dead

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? Yes or No

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

4. How many outs are there in an inning?

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Yes or No ?

6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?

12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?

DON'T READ ANY FURTHER UNTIL YOU'VE ANSWERED ALL THE ABOVE QUESTIONS!

1. Is there a fourth of July in England? Yes, it comes after the third of July!

2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 1 Just one!

3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? 12 - all of them!

4. How many outs are there in an inning? 6 - three per side!

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? No, because he is dead!

6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? 70. (30 divided by 2 equals 15, but 30 divided by 1/2 equals 60!)

7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? 2, you took them, remember?

8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last? 60. Start with the lst pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.

9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? 9. If 8 out of 17 die, all
but 9 die, eh?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark? 0 Moses didn't have an ark, Noah did!

11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh? Meat. A butcher weighs meat!

12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen? 12 ... There are 12, 2 cent stamps in a dozen!

Add Your Score! How do feel ?

November 12, 1998

NOTE: After starting a new job this was my first e-mail from the boss. I wasn't sure how to take this at first.
Don L.

Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply:

LODGING
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

TRANSPORTATION
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

MEALS
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Price Club, Costco, Sam's Clubs, etc., often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other food sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

MISCELLANEOUS
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

November 16, 1998

Four guys are out having a few drinks after work. one goes to the bathroom, and the other three start talking about their sons. The first dad says "I was really worried about my son, after graduation he worked in a carwash. But then they made him a car salesman and now he owns a car dealership. In fact he is so successful he just gave his best friend a new car."

The second dad "I know what you mean. My son started out raking leaves for a real estate agent. Then they made him a real estate broker now he owns the agency. In fact he is so successful he just gave his best friend a new house."

The third dad "I was worried about my son too. He started out cleaning floors at a brokerage firm. Then they made him an investment broker and now he owns the brokerage house! In fact, he is so successful he just gave his best friend one million dollars worth of stock."

The forth dad comes back from the bathroom and hears the topic of conversation. He says "My son is a real disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser, he is still a hairdresser and to top it all off-he is gay, and he doesn't have just one boyfriend, he has three. But on the bright side, one of them just gave him a new car, another gave him a new house and the other one gave him a million dollars worth of stock!"

November 19, 1998

November 23, 1998

TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN'T

10. "Reach in and grab the giblets."

9. "Whew... that's one terrific spread!"

8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"

7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"

5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"

4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."

3. "It's cool whip time!"

2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

.... and the number one thing that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving but isn't.....

1. "It must be broken cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."

November 26, 1998

TRUE STORY AND A GOOD LAUGH

Cross my heart this happened to this guy who lives in Westchester, NY, and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he had wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but had never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.

After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes.

He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).

They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it.

After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels).

Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.

They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left.

They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car.

He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window.

After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out ...

... just the sweater.

November 30, 1998

The "Beer-Me" Diet

FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).

FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.

FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.

FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.

FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.

FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig. Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation.

CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.

MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food and basically be a slob.

FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).

SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.

MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.

Happy dieting!!!

December 3, 1998

Yes Virginia, there are too many engineers with way too much time on their hands...

Still believe in Chris Kringle? You won't after this. Read on.

Subject: Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance -- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each.

In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas.

December 7, 1998

December 10, 1998

The Kiss

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! one day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

December 14, 1998

At the gates of heaven, St. Peter announced that since heaven was getting over-crowded, that he would only be able to allow in persons whose demise had been particularly untimely.

The first person in line approached and St. Peter asked how he got there. The man replied, "I just knew my wife was having an affair, so one day at lunch I came home to catch her. Sure enough, she was wearing a negligee and had champagne and glasses out. I looked in the closets, bathroom, everywhere. But I couldn't find the S.O.B. So I run out on the balcony and I spot him hanging off the side. I stomped on his fingers and he falls to the ground, but he landed in the bushes below and he's still alive. So I grab the refrigerator and throw it over the balcony, killing him. But in my frantic state, I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter agreed that it was a particularly untimely demise, so he admitted him into heaven.

The next person in line says, "Every morning I do calisthenics on my balcony. This morning, I slipped and thought I was a goner, but I managed to grab onto the balcony below mine. I heard someone coming out and was relieved to be saved, but the crazy guy starts screaming and stomping on my fingers. I fell to the ground, but luckily landed in some bushes below, breaking my fall and saving me. But the that crazy guy comes out with his refrigerator and throws it over the side of his balcony, crushing me." St. Peter again agrees that it was a particularly untimely, and violent, demise; admitting him into heaven.

The third person in line starts, "Picture this, I'm naked in a refrigerator ...."

December 17, 1998

IT was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie, flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "a dirty rug."
"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
And what should appear, to her great surprise?
The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes,
"She'll cook, she'll dust, "she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & the Restless."
"Fantastic!" the mom cheered. "My dream come true!
I'll shop. I'll read, I'll sleep a night through!
From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I'm scared... and I'm wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."
The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
"You're the best mommy ever. I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."
The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal.
That's my child's love, she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother, is needed here."
The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right."

December 21, 1998

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot.

Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - -

Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

December 24, 1998

A Lawyer's Christmas Story

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma''), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically indentified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!". Or words to that effect.

December 28, 1998

CIA Test

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three persons: two men and one woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which one would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.

" I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they turn to the woman for her test. They lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

December 31, 1998

The Month After Christmas

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt - - -
I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So - - away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished."
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore- - -
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good good diet!