Subject: College Writing Partners
RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
You know that book 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus'? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students. Rebecca - last name deleted and Gary - last name deleted.
English 44A SMU, Creative Writing. Prof. Miller.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday.
STORY:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anuludrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anuludrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. MY writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Ass
Bitch.
Subject: Holiday Diet Tips
Stress Diet
=========
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST
1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast - Dry
8 oz Skim Milk
LUNCH
4 oz Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie
MIDAFTERNOON SNACK
Rest of the Oreos in the Package
2 Pints of Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream
DINNER
2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom and Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars
LATE EVENING NEWS
Entire Frozen Cheesecake eaten directly from freezer
RULES FOR THIS DIET
1. If you eat something and no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, you look thinner.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of baking causes calorie leakage.
7. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
Ex.: Peanut Butter on a knife making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
8. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Ex: Spinach & Pistachio ice cream, Mushrooms & White Chocolate.
NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tip-toed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Joe worked for the railroad as a conductor.
Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man. So, Joe asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?" "Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.
"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." Joe grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, the man landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, Joe the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day of Joe's execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. So Joe asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the Joe conductor was legally dead, so they had to release him.
Oddly enough, Joe got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.
"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked Joe the conductor.
"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.
And.. the same thing happened. The boy was thrown off the train and killed. Joe was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to his last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. Joe asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.
Joe was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart. They washed Joe's hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed Joe in the chair, and hooked him up. The executioner pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. He then pulled it twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the Joe's chest.
Well, as the law says, they had to let him go ...
Even more amazingly, Joe got a job as a conductor on yet another railroad.
This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Joe threw him off the train, the rabbi died and Joe was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the guard asked Joe what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. Joe ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber. However, this time the officials were going to get it right! They scrubbed Joe's body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners ...
Then they strapped Joe in, and threw the switch once. Nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point Joe was legally dead, etc, etc.
But, before Joe could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana?!"
Joe replied, "I just like bananas."
So, the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!"
"I dunno," replied Joe, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor."
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."
"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".
"But, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did..."
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed."
"I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home." "Sit down please, Would you like to have a drink?" "No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I'll puke."
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship." "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
"You look great," said the woman, "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.
And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling good.
"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."
"Yes there is," the man replied," as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"
Short and Sweet
Dear Wife (that's what he called her):
I am 54 but by the time you read this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived back home after his visit to the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him):
I, too, am 54 and by the time you read this letter I will still be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You needn't wait up for me. Being an accountant, you can appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
NBC gave Marv Albert the pink slip -- now he's wearing it.
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
Would I resign?
Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Representative Dick Armey, who when asked if he were in the President's place, would he resign, responded:
"If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying,": "How do I reload this damn thing?"
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
Subject: Windows 98 "Texas" Version
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Texas edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Texas. If you have one of the Texas editions you may need some Help understanding the commands.
The Texas edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads Winders 98 with a background picture of the General Lee. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse,
My Computer is called This Infernal contraption,
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys,
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard,
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
Cancel = hail no
Reset = awwww shoot
Yes = shore
No = Naaaa
Find = hunt-fer it
Go to = over yonder
Back = back yonder
Help = hep me out here
Stop = ternit off
Start = crank it up
Settings = sittins
Programs = stuff at does stuff
Documents = stuff I done done
Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Texas edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
From the Internet. This is alleged to be a true story from the DC area, about four summers ago, but it's pretty hard to believe. True or not, it's a funny story.
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
Just dial 722-4822. ( * Not Real Number * )
This old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.
The jerk said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah.."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
"Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree 1/2 a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct ...
Words to think about
1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear).
4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.
9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."
Subject: Rock Reproduction
Dear Doctor Science,
My roommate, an Iowan by birth, theorizes that field rocks hypnotize farmers into putting them on top of fence posts so the rocks can receive solar radiation, a key ingredient in their growth. Is this correct?
-- Chris Jacobs from Woodbury MN
He's close, but still no cigar. The fact is, rocks sit on top of fence posts because they're natural voyeurs and the sight of a red winged blackbird or a combine driving by proves so stimulating that the rock actually mates with itself, causing sand to spill from the top of the post. And as everyone knows, sand is actually rock seeds. In a remote, unpopulated place like Iowa, there's so little to watch that rocks rarely reproduce. Hence, the soil is neither sandy nor rocky!
Military Marketing
This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas web site by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not - and made the web department take it down immediately. (In case you don't know: McDonnell Douglas is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.
In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [ _ ] Mr. [ _ ] Mrs. [ _ ] Ms. [ _ ] Miss [ _ ] Lt. [ _ ] Gen. [ _ ] Comrade [ _ ] Classified [ _ ] Other
First Name: ........................................................................................................
Initial: ....................
Last Name: .........................................................................................................
Password: ........................... (max 8 char)
Code Name: ........................................................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ................................ ................................ ................................
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[ _ ] F-14 Tomcat
[ _ ] F-15 Eagle
[ _ ] F-16 Falcon
[ _ ] F-117A Stealth
[ _ ] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year / Month / Day): 19.......... / ........... / ...........
4. Serial Number: ...........................................................................................................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[ _ ] Received as gift / aid package
[ _ ] Catalog showroom
[ _ ] Independent arms broker
[ _ ] Mail order
[ _ ] Discount store
[ _ ] Government surplus
[ _ ] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[ _ ] Heard loud noise, looked up
[ _ ] Store display
[ _ ] Espionage
[ _ ] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[ _ ] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[ _ ] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[ _ ] Style / appearance
[ _ ] Speed / maneuverability
[ _ ] Price / value
[ _ ] Comfort / convenience
[ _ ] Kickback / bribe
[ _ ] Recommended by salesperson
[ _ ] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[ _ ] Advanced weapons Systems
[ _ ] Back-room politics
[ _ ] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[ _ ] North America
[ _ ] Central / South America
[ _ ] Aircraft carrier
[ _ ] Europe
[ _ ] Middle East
[ _ ] Africa
[ _ ] Asia / Far East
[ _ ] Misc. Third World countries
[ _ ] Classified
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[ _ ] Color TV
[ _ ] VCR
[ _ ] ICBM
[ _ ] Killer Satellite
[ _ ] CD Player
[ _ ] Air-to-Air Missiles
[ _ ] Space Shuttle
[ _ ] Home Computer
[ _ ] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Check all that apply:)
[ _ ]Communist / Socialist
[ _ ] Terrorist
[ _ ] Crazed
[ _ ] Neutral
[ _ ] Democratic
[ _ ] Dictatorship
[ _ ] Corrupt
[ _ ] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[ _ ] Deficit spending
[ _ ] Cash
[ _ ] Suitcases of cocaine
[ _ ] Oil revenues
[ _ ] Personal check
[ _ ] Credit card
[ _ ] Ransom money
[ _ ] Traveler's check
12. Your occupation:
[ _ ] Homemaker
[ _ ] Sales / marketing
[ _ ] Revolutionary
[ _ ] Clerical
[ _ ] Mercenary
[ _ ] Tyrant
[ _ ] Middle management
[ _ ] Eccentric billionaire
[ _ ] Defense Minister / General
[ _ ] Retired
[ _ ] Student
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[ _ ] Golf
[ _ ] Boating / sailing
[ _ ] Sabotage
[ _ ] Running / jogging
[ _ ] Propaganda / disinformation
[ _ ] Destabilization / overthrow
[ _ ] Default on loans
[ _ ] Gardening
[ _ ] Crafts
[ _ ] Black market / smuggling
[ _ ] Collectibles / collections
[ _ ] Watching sports on TV
[ _ ] Wines
[ _ ] Interrogation / torture
[ _ ] Household pets
[ _ ] Crushing rebellions
[ _ ] Espionage / reconnaissance
[ _ ] Fashion clothing
[ _ ] Border disputes
[ _ ] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help MdDonnell-Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO
Titles for Monica's book
1) I Suck At My Job
2) What Really Goes Down In The White House
3) How I Blew It In Washington
4) You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
5) Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
6) Going Back for Gore
7) Podium Girl
8) Secret Services to the President
9) Harass is Not Two Words - The Story of Bill Clinton
10) Deep Inside The Oval Office
11) The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
12) She's Chief of MY Staff!
13) Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
14) How To Beat Off the Government
15) Going Down and Moving Up
16) Members of the Presidential Cabinet
17) Me and My Big Mouth
18) How To Get Ahead in Business
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it,s Adam's suit!"
Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
Man's Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard a noise , so he looked inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole. The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there in that awful hole?" The Indian replied, "Many moons."
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car. Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture, of a pair of handcuffs.
London, 19th May 1998
Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot.
Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
1. Don't let worry kill you --- Let the church help.
2. Thursday night -- potluck dinner. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzar, The sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzar.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All Ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become littles mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the Alter.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the Ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean super will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
This is a weird but true story (with a moral to it)...
A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors: "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it.
It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"
The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.
The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start. Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc. In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.
Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.
Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem--not the vanilla ice cream--the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.
Moral of the story: even insane looking problems are sometimes real.
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE' ."
His name is John. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college. He is brilliant. Kinda esoteric and very, very bright. He became a Christian while attending college.
Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. They want to develop a ministry to the students, but are not sure how to go about it. One day John decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so John starts down the aisle looking for a seat. The church is completely packed and he can't find a seat. By now people are looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything.
John gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit and when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet. (Although perfectly acceptable behavior at a college fellowship, trust me, this had never happened in this church before!) By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick.
About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward John. Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, a three-piece suit, and a pocket watch. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves, "You can't blame him for what he's going to do. How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the floor?"
It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy. The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man's cane. All eyes are focused on him. You can't even hear anyone breathing. The people are thinking, "The minister can't even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do." And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty he lowers himself and sits down next to John so he won't be alone.
Everyone chokes up with emotion. When the minister gains control he says, "What I'm about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget."
Subject: WHAT GUYS REALLY MEAN....
"I'm going fishing."
Really means ... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means .... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means .... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means .... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means ... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means .... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means .... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means .... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means .... "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means .... "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means .... "You want me to stay awake."
"That's women's work."
Really means .... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means .... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means .... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means .... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means .... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means .... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means .... "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you."
Really means .... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You look terrific."
Really means .... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you."
Really means .... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means .... "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means .... "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means .... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
Trees Fight Back!
FROM: THE TREES
StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To kILl oNe cEleBrITY EacH WEEK. there ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS."
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the United States National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the insurance company then had the man arrested . . . for arson.
Presidential Most Memorable Phrases:
JFK: "Ich bin ein Berliner"
Nixon: "I am not a crook"
Reagan: "Tear down that wall, Mr. Gorbachev"
Bush: "Read my lips"
Clinton: "Want to check the latest Presidential Pole, Miss Lewinsky?"
News Release:
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Iowa. Local search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
This is an actual letter from the Smithsonian Institute with an explanation of the man they sent it to. Ok, the story behind this is ... There's this nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway... here's the letter regarding one of this man's 'major finds'.
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that It represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino."
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. while it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe: Curator, Antiquities
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the Engine Company that brings them out safely!" As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze.
After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the Engine Company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance, the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting, the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.
After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"
Subject: If Dr. Seuss wrote the news
STARR I ARE -- a newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss
I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?
I did not do that
Here or there - -
I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far - -
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
The girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?
I do not like you
Starr-You-Are
I think that you
Have gone too far.
I will not answer
Any more - -
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!
The public's easy
To distract - -
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!
Seeing Eye Dog (true story)
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this . . . all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex. When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell of and never got back on.
The Energizer Bunny was found dead, so they took him to the hospital to due a post mortum on him and found that his batteries were put in backwards, so instead of going and going, he died of exhaustion of coming and coming.
Subject: Blondes and Y2K
A status report from a Blonde Y2K Engineer:
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished converting the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
FACT: When development engineers go out together on a weekend they talk about football.
FACT: When middle managers get together they talk about tennis.
FACT: Senior executives talk about golf.
CONCLUSION: The higher you are in management the smaller your balls are.
A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood to buy his wife a 30th anniversary gift. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have." "It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not." "I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
Subject: Emergency Virus Alert!!!!
Badtimes Virus
If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes" delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
Listen up:
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. it will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybufton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days, however, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
DINING OUT
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
- Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island.
As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
The Original Version. . . . .
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
Today's New Liberal Version. . . . . .
It starts out the same, but when winter comes, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC and ABC show up and provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to film of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAAGB (The National Association for the advancement of Green Bugs) shows up on NightLine and charges the ant with "Green Bias" and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening news and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's". Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the Ant has gotten rich off the "back of the grasshopper", and calls for an immediate tax hike on the Ant to make him pay his "fair share".
Finally the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act", RETROACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing To hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday afternoon between 1:30 and 3:00 PM when there are no talk shows scheduled.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in - which just happens to be the ant's old house - crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "Fairness" has dawned in America.
1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Both keep moving ... even when they are lost.
Both chase cars.
The larger ones tend to drool.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
2. How Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you--except Frisbee (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
3. Where Dogs Fall Short
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
And the number one reason dogs fall short ...
It's fun to dry off a wet man.
Subject: Understanding Men and Women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Three health care professionals find themselves at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks the first, "Why do you belong here?"
The first replies, "I was a great surgeon. I have saved countless lives."
"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."
Peter then asks the second, "Why do you belong here?"
The second answers, "I was a family practitioner. I treated young and old alike. I made them well again."
"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."
Finally, Peter asks the third, "Why do you belong here?"
The third says, "I ran an HMO. I helped allow for thousands to receive medical care."
"Okay, come in" replies Peter, "But you can only stay for two days."
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs.
If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls.
Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate where their ex-brain cells reside.
Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats."
A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as "Mr. President." The good news is that this is usually just a temporary problem, seldom lasting more than 50 or 60 years after puberty.
ENGINEERS EXPLAINED
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming. Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A) Straighten it.
B) Ignore it.
C) Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
* Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
* Important social contacts
* A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
* Get it over with as soon as possible.
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
A) things that need to be fixed, and
B) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS:
Hindenberg.
Space Shuttle Challenger.
SPANet(tm)
Hubble space telescope.
Apollo 13.
Titanic.
Ford Pinto.
Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem (other times just because they forgot). And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
Material Safety Data Specifications
Hazardous Materials Information System
Woman: A chemical analysis
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 135 lb. but known to vary from 100 to 450 lb.
Physical Properties
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical Properties
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent know to man.
Common Uses
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.
Test
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Hazards
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to posses more than one.
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
FROSTING
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away - far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
A pompous Southern minister was seated next to an attorney on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The attorney asked for a gin and tonic, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!!"
The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice ."
Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transquips:
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.
O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on. . what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that son-of-a-bitch - and she did!
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Subject: New Sayings That Should Be Put On Buttons:
1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a freakin, people person?
7. This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
11. You! Off my planet!
12. Therapy is expensive, poppin, bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
13. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
14. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
15. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
16. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
17. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
18. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
19. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22. And just how may I screw you over today?
23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be ... ?
24. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
25. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil ...
26. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
27. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
28. Allow me to introduce my selves.
29. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
30. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
31. Better living through denial.
32. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
33. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
34. Adult child of alien invaders.
35. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
36. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
37. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
38. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
39. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
40. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
41. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
42. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
43. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
44. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
45. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
46. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
47. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
48. Adults are just kids who owe money.
49. One of us is thinking about sex..... OK, it's me.
50. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
51. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
52. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
53. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
54. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
55. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
56. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
57. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
58. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
59. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
60. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
61. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
62. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. (Or, as Buffett sings, 'Indecision may or may not be my problem')
63. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
64. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
65. Earth is full. Go home.
66. Is it time for your medication or mine?
67. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
68. I plead contemporary insanity.
69. And which dwarf are you?
70. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
71. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
72. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
73. It ain't the size, it's..... no wait-it IS the size.
74. Meandering to a different drummer.
75. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
76. I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?
77. How can a person be so stupid and still breathe..?
It seems that the recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General manager of the club was a little leery of this. However the Recreational Director asked "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" It was agreed. "Stand up, nuts." Everyone stood up. "Sit down, nuts." Everyone sat down. "Look behind you nuts." Everyone turned around. Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the 3rd inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion, people running helter skelter. He asked what happened. A person said "Someone called out "Peanuts".
Subject: BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
Yes, Only in America . . .
Only in America . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance . . .
Only in America . . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink . . .
Only in America . . . do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke . . .
Only in America . . . do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters . . .
Only in America . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage . . .
Only in America . . . do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place
Only in America . . . do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight . . .
Only in America . . . do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures" . . .
How to Shower like a Woman
1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 73 degrees. Carefully fold and place in clothes hamper.
2. Walk to bathroom. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Position the shower nozzle away from you and turn on water.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
6. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
10. Watch fallen hair accumulate on drain & fret.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub until red.
12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
15. Shave armpits and evaluate if there is time left for legs.
16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
17. Use pumice stone to soften rough spots on feet.
18. Use massage mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
19. Use nail brush to clean toenails.
20. Scream loudly when your husband runs faucet and you get a rush of cold water.
21. Cover your entire body in baby oil.
22. Turn hot water on full and rinse off, making shower dangerously slippery for husband.
23. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
24. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an uncommon place.
25. Apply body lotion from the neck down. Moisturize, Moisturize!
26. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, and then rush to bedroom.
How to Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
4. Turn on the water, get jet blast in ear because you left on the shower nozzle yesterday.
5. Check for pecs again.
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)
8. Wash your face (not compulsory).
9. Whistle a few bars of the Irish Spring song.
10. Wash your armpits (not compulsory).
11. Wash your groin area (compulsory).
12. Wash your behind (eh, whatever...)
13. Cough up anything that might be lodged in the back of your throat, like a fur ball, cat, beer top.
14. Shampoo your hair with the blue bar of deodorant soap. (no need for conditioner).
15. Make a shampoo Mohawk. That's cool!
16. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
17. Sample your wife's Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Ummm... Nice!
18. Pee. (In the shower.)
19. Blow your right nostril.
20. Blow your left nostril.
21. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
22. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your wife, flash her.
Stupid Bank Robbers
How NOT to rob a bank
The following is an excerpt from Tim Clark's "How Not to Rob a Bank." Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be robbers.
PICK THE RIGHT BANK
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
STUDY YOUR HISTORY
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.
SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on-an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit.... and in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.
TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security men money.
BE AWARE OF THE TIME
Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.
CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.
BE STRONG
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car, parked nearby, had the keys locked inside it.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Is there another word for synonym?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
It seems that everything depends on your point of view ! ! !
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies. "Oakland Raiders, fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again. "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says. "Then what are you?" the reporter says. "I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet".
Subject: Whitehouse Voice Mail
Presidential Answering Service:
Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch. Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call. Have a nice day.
If you are male and would like to leave a message for the president, press 9.
If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president, press M-O-T-E-L-6.
If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press N-O-W-A-Y.
To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G.
To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.
To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A.
To leave a message for Ted Kennedy, Press 7-A-N-D-7.
If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bed-room, press D-O-L-L-A-R.
If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, press Y-E-N.
If you are calling to support Hillary's birth control program, press F-R-I-G-I-D.
If you are calling to leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O.
To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
To leave a message for the Gore 2OOO campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.
If you wish to make a complaint, press B-I-T-E-M-E.
To speak to an operator, press 0.
To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the President will answer your call shortly.
Mike was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind that were 200 men walking single file.
Mike couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. whose funeral is it?" The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." Mike asked, "What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog attacked her and she died." Mike inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and attacked her and she died." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Mike asks, "Sir, could I borrow that dog?" He replied, "Get in line!"
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath t he blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl," but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings? Here's something to change all of that.
BUSINESS BINGO
How to play: Simply check off 5 words in one meeting and shout out BINGO! It's that easy!
SYNERGY
TAKE THAT OFFLINE
STRATEGIC FIT
AT THE END OF THE DAY
GAP ANALYSIS
BEST PRACTICE
THE BOTTOM LINE
CORE BUSINESS
LESSONS LEARNT
TOUCH BASE
REVISIT
GAME PLAN
BANDWIDTH
HARDBALL
OUT OF THE LOOP
GO THE EXTRA MILE
BENCHMARK
THE BIG PICTURE
VALUE-ADDED
MOVERS AND SHAKERS
BALL PARK
PROACTIVE
NOT REACTIVE
WIN-WIN SITUATION
THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX
FAST TRACK
RESULT-DRIVEN
EMPOWER EMPLOYEES
NO BLAME
STRETCH THE ENVELOPE
KNOWLEDGE BASE
RESULTS-DRIVEN
TOTAL QUALITY
SLIPPERY SLIDE
TICKS IN BOXES
MINDSET
KNOCK-ON EFFECT
PUT THIS ONE TO BED
CLIENT-FOCUSED
QUALITY-DRIVEN
MOVE THE GOAL POSTS
TESTIMONIALS FROM OTHER PLAYERS:
"I had only been in the meeting for five minutes when I yelled bingo."
"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."
"It's a wheeze, meetings will never be the same for me after my first outright win."
"The atmosphere was tense at the last process workshop as 32 of us listened intently for the elusive 5th."
"The facilitator was gob-smacked as we all screamed bingo for the 3rd time in 2 hours."
"I feel that the game has enhanced the overall quality of meetings per se on a quid pro quo basis."
"People are now even listening to mumblers, thanks to business bingo."
"Bonzai! You could have cut the atmosphere with a cricket stump as we waited for the 5th delivery."
Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?
Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits
Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete
After destruction of personal property
Dogs: dog not found
Computers: file not found
Favorite trick
Dogs: roll over
Computers: play dead
Comic-page hero
Dogs: Dogbert
Computers: Dilbert
Fun way to mess with their heads
Dogs: peanut butter on roof of mouth
Computers: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
Consequence of virus
Dogs: replace valuable carpeting
Computers: replace valuable data
Widely ignored government mandate
Dogs: leash law
Computers: Communications Decency Act
Waste disposal tool
Dogs: pooper-scooper
Computers: uninstaller
Sensitive internal procedures
Dogs: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
Computers: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one kind of like this once
Method of marking territory
Dogs: lifting leg
Computers: "Designed for Windows 98"
Unique behavior
Dogs: lick and drag
Computers: click-and-drag
Inexplicable physical feature
Dogs: de-claw
Computers: scroll lock key
Estimated lifespan
Dogs: 12 years
Computers: 12 months
The Lawyer's Entrance to Heaven
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "One week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment it affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! 3 years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, thus affirming this too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
A TEXAN'S GUIDE TO LIFE
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back
Never drop yer gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
A good horse never comes in a bad color.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him........... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but you might need to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
In light of the rising frequency of human-grizzly bear conflicts, the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions to keep alert for bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear droppings and grizzly droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings are larger, have little bells in them, and smell like cayenne pepper.
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:
In the world of romance, even marriage, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings +5
But return with beer -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It's her father -10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants -8
A Night Out
You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
it's called Death Cop 3 -3
Which features cyborgs having sex -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" -800
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip -4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal -25
You know them -60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" -5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -35
This cannot POSSIBLY be a true story! Please tell me that even people on drugs are NOT this stupid!! Coffee, anyone? You are not even going to believe this story.
Stupid Award of the Day:
Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of the University of New Hampshire. Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, this actually happened. Ian is telling the story:
This declaration of the stupid award goes to a customer today. Below is a close rendition of the conversation with her.
Lady: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.
Ian: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?
Lady: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.
Ian: Is there more milk or coffee?
Lady: Oh, definitely more coffee.
Ian: So, that's a coffee with some extra milk.
Lady: Just the usual amount of milk.
Ian: A coffee with milk.
Lady: Yes.
Ian: Anything else?
Lady: A little extra milk, and do you have coffee with no caffeine?
Ian: We do have decaf.
Lady: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.
Ian: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.
Lady: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?
Ian: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.
Lady: Yes it does.
Ian: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?
Lady: It doesn't say caffeine-free on the milk, so it must have caffeine.
Ian: Oh, you're right, my mistake. I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?
Lady: Do you have any bagels?
Vinnie: (who has been listening all along) I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.
Lady: Oh, well, then I'll have one of those, with sesame seeds.
Vinnie: We're all out, ma'am.
Lady: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)
Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.
Lady: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards?
Ian: No ma'am, cash only.
Lady: What about Visa?
Ian: Is that a credit card?
Lady: Well, yes.
Vinnie: Is it cash?
Lady: No.
Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it.
Lady: What about checks?
Ian: Cash ma'am, nothing else.
Lady: Ok. how much is that?
Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents. (insert: for a cup of coffee, if you missed that.)
Lady: Really?
Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, I had to grow it myself.
Lady: Ok. (proceeds to write a check)
Vinnie: Please leave.
Lady: Why?
Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.
Lady: But what about my coffee?
Vinnie: Leave and never return.
She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first.
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. would you like to hold?"
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
lst Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
lst Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
lst Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,' "she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries ... it's a long walk."
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
A man moved to New Mexico and called his credit company to change his address. When he told the girl that he was moving to New Mexico and wanted to change the address for his billing. She told him that they could not do that since they do not issue cards outside of the United States.
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
My neighbor had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to just cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway... rolling back and forth.
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy Ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October l995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10th October 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.'
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. It's your call.
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35" she replied.
"And he still believes in genies -- that's amazing"
Your salary is less than your tuition.
Your potted plants stay alive.
Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
You have to pay your own credit card bill.
Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8:00 a.m. is not early.
You have to file your own taxes.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You're not carded anymore.
You carry an umbrella.
You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
"Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
"Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
You start watching the weather channel.
Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
You go to parties that the police don't raid.
Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down.
You refer to college students as kids.
You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
College sweat shirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
Your parents charge rent.
The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.
It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.
Three words:? Student Loan Payments.
You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche.
You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end.
Discussions with your friends:
THEN: GPA'S, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey
NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.
Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.
The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.
You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.
Random hook-ups are no longer socially acceptable.
You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while taking in college.
You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
You empathize with the characters from 'Friends.'
METABOLISM SLOWDOWN
Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down the same as I used to.'
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.
You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not "full of 21-year-old kids."
Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay . . . I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and . . . it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away, the counter-tops cleaned, the appliances sparkling, the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture cleaned and dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later . . . no centipede. 20 minutes later . . . no centipede. 30 minutes later . . . no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it . . . and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience and, as they are - THE SEVEN DWARFS, they're ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting. . . . . .
"Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man:
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?""In fact, I do," said the man.
"After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor.
"Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine."
"Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked:
"Your husband had an unusual concern."
"He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time."
"Do you know why?"
"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing ma'am I don't like the way that one of the rein loops cross's the horses back and goes around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob . . . something about the emergency brake . . ."
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone, should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer."
Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow."'
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
Little Kathy is talking with her mom:
Kathy: Mom, why do you have white hairs?
Mother: That's what happens when we have naughty children such as you!
Kathy: Oh! Now I understand why grandma has white hairs!!
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
One Unhappy Juror
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Hot Phone
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!"
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
A man was wondering in the woods pondering all the things of life, and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers so he sought help from God.
"God, God, you there God?" he asked.
"Yes. What is it my son?" God answered.
"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.
"Go ahead my son."
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God answered "A million years to me is only a second."
Then the man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God replied "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."
The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question . . .
"God, can I have a penny?"
God answered "Sure, in a second."
The Mayor of Wiarton runs into the vet's office carrying Wiarton Willie, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put the gopher down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the Mayor that Willie, regrettably is dead.
The Mayor, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a Black Labrador. The Lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the Mayor and says, "I'm sorry, but the Lab thinks Willie is dead too."
The Mayor is still unwilling to accept that Willie is dead. So the vet brings in a Siamese cat and puts the cat down next to the gopher's body. The Siamese sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the gopher's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at The Mayor and says, "I'm sorry, but the Siamese thinks that Willie is dead, too."
The Mayor, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650.00."
"$650.00 to tell me that Wiarton Willie is dead?!" exclaims the Mayor.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50.00 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600.00 was for the Cat Scan and the Lab Tests".
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to YOU."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack - and died.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
Stupid people should be required to wear signs that just say, "I'm stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me ... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California, our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, You moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week just to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock says, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel, there was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to test that .... "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good.... they want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right ... hold my sign, I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I was home I was driving around and got a flat tire. I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations, the attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago, a guy came over to the house, drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See..... If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
Know anyone who needs a sign?
10. Always starts off by asking, "You ain't Jewish, are ya?"
9. His "beard" consists of a dozen styrofoam peanuts glued to his face.
8. Amuses kids by demonstrating the "sleeper hold" on an elf.
7. He's doubled over, gasping for breath, after the second "Ho."
6. When kid asks for a bike, he says, "Good luck -- your parents look like cheap-ass bastards."
5. Every few minutes, his beard rustles, and you hear a muffled meow.
4. Beard catches on fire whenever he lights his crack pipe.
3. Was recently suspended from NBA for choking his coach.
2. Asks all the mothers, "How 'bout a little lap action for mommy?"
1. He recently starred in film called The Full Santy.
Why is the angel on the top of the tree? . . . . . .
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip . . . but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the > Christmas tree.
