House of House

I am hanging in there. I have the waterworks going every now and then. When I was at the airport in Boston I saw something that reminded me of Abbey near the end. It was tough and I had to put on my sunglasses to hide my moist eyes. I was catching up with a friend on the phone last night and was explaining how on Valentines day Abbey and I would give each other monkeys…that was our thing. I still have all those monkeys up above the TV in the living room.

I am doing my best to move on with life. The darkroom in the basement is pretty well done and I have developed 4 rolls of film down there. I found that there were some pictures of Abbey that I had forgotten about. I have been printing out pictures that I have taken and building up a portfolio. Not sure what I am going to do with it yet. I have also signed up for a photo trek. I am going to Vietnam and Cambodia in February with a program called the “Mentor Series”. They setup trips all over the world and put together these great photo trek packages. There will be two professional photographers that will be on this trek with us and each day we will take 5 of my best photos and the pros will give me a critique and advice for the next day. I am really looking forward to it. The trip is pretty well packed with photo locations and full days of exploring local villages and temples. I am thinking about where I can go next…I have a travel book upstairs and have earmarked quite a few different pages.

We finally sold the 4Runner to one of my cousins. She will be coming out on business next weekend and will pick it up then. A lot of people ask me if I feel ok in this house with Abbey gone. I think that the work that mom and Carol did helped out more than I will ever know. If I was here to try and pack up Abbey’s stuff I would have wanted to go through each and every little thing and it would have been long and arduous task. There is still plenty here that reminds me of my honey, but I think it is at a much more manageable level.

So far this year I have been to 3 funerals and missed one because of work. 4 funerals in 3 months seems just crazy to me. One of those funerals was for a former co-worker. He used to work for me at FRII and we hired him when he was just 16. He was a smart and cocky kid. He had a wife and two kids. I found out this past Monday that he had jumped out of the 20th floor window of a hotel in downtown Denver to commit suicide. I talked with my mom about it and I just don’t understand what can be so bad in a person’s life that they have to end it and take their own life. I don’t know. Mom just always has the right words.

Life is a strange thing and I think it got stranger for me back in 2007. My sense of what a normal life is changed back then. My life was no longer normal. Abbey and I kept wanting it to go back to the normal that we knew before but that was not to be. I don’t know that we ever came to grasp the fact that what we were living was our new normal. We didn’t grasp that because we did not want it to be our normal. My normal changed again in August. I have decided that as of now I am going to make my normal. I have that choice…I have that ability.

No matter what I have been through up to this point in my life, I would do it all over again.

Things will get better.

So I went for a little motorcycle ride today. I wanted to go up Deer Creek Canyon but the road was closed for a bicycle ride. So I turned around and headed south. I went down to Perry Park road and went to Palmer Lake. I didn’t want to ride too far so I turned around in Palmer Lake and came home. One the way home I noticed a couple on a bike in front of me. It reminded me of when Mrs Honey and I would ride together. For a moment I pictured her behind me leaning forward and talking in my ear. She told me “I love you”. It makes it difficult to see when you are on a motorcycle and tears are coming out of your eyes.

It was a happy moment. I miss her and think of her often.

(I wrote this a while back and had it saved in drafts…publishing now as an incomplete thought)

I am scared. I am mad. I am sad. All these things right now.
I am scared because I think that Mrs. Honey is showing signs of hepatic encephalopathy. She is really tired and will fall asleep while eating breakfast. She will fall asleep while we are talking. She is confused at times and is having trouble keeping track of time. I am not a doctor so I cannot diagnose whether or not she has hepatic encephalopathy.

I am mad because our lives changed back in the fall of 2007. The way we are right now is not how we thought we would be. I never expected to live my life like this. I married a beautiful, smart, loving woman. My wife is still beautiful, smart, and loving but her activity level has dropped. She does not have as much energy and we cannot do the things that we used to do.

Lets start off with last night. I kind of remember having a dream with dolphins in it. I think that I was swimming and there was a dolphin there. It was familiar to me and it was swimming with me. That is all I can remember right now about that dream. This is significant because when Reverend Laura Bennett and I talked before Abbey’s service, she told me that in eastern american indian traditions dolphins represent a person who is moving between the physical and spiritual realms. So I view that dolphin in my dream as my Honey.

It was very interesting this afternoon. As I was walking into a store, I heard “Where are you going” by Dave Mathews Band. That was one of the songs that I put in the picture montage that was shown at Abbey’s service. Then when left the shop I looked over into a car by me and saw a Hello Kitty lunch box.

I was surrounded today by things that made me think of my Honey. I think that I will be having lots of that for a while.

One of the tough things that has been happening at the office is that many co-workers are coming by giving their condolences. I am very thankful for them stopping by but it interrupts my work and brings my thoughts back to Honey. I know it will slow down and eventually stop.

I will get through this.

We will be celebrating Abbey’s life this Thursday at 3pm. The celebration will be held at Horan & McConaty on County Line road. 5303 E County Line Rd. Centennial CO. 80122.

In lieu of flowers please log in to www.cufund.org and make a donation to the Cancer Center. Abbey and I spent quite a bit of time with the wonderful people at University of Colorado Hospital Anschutz Campus. Abbey’s doctor was very compassionate and worked very hard for Abbey. The staff in the infusion center grew to be our friends. With many days spent getting infusions, both Abbey and I talked with the nurses and staff sharing stories, fears, and laughter. The donations made to the Cancer Center will help with equipment/supplies that are used on a daily basis.

Thanks to everyone for the thoughts, prayers, and comments. I think all will be helpful for us as we cope.

Pete

We have a very strong team going right now. We have added a home caregiver company to our team as well as Halcyon Hospice. Our team is able to help 24/7 now. Abbey is doing ok here. She is spending a lot of time sleeping. To tell you the truth, I think that she has it better now because the home caregiver team has been giving her back rubs, foot massages, and hand massages. We never had it so good.

We have only had a few visitors and I think that it is better that way right now with Abbey sleeping so much. We had a visit last night from one of my good friends from college. He stopped by and brought a gift basket for Abbey. She lit up and enjoyed the visit. We also made some new friends with December and Amber. They all brought lots of love and compassion. Thank you so much to you all for the visit.

So we are just living day to day right now. Taking things as they come. I won’t lie to you…things are very difficult for us all right now. We are all very emotional. I know that there are friends and family out there wondering what they can do to help. Abbey loves flowers…they put a smile on her face. She loves roses and lilies. I will post more here as we know more.

So, Has anyone else ever had experience being a caregiver to a spouse who is dying of cancer at the age of 34?

One of the things that is bugging me right now is the way that my Mother-in-law is talking with my wife. She keeps telling Abbey that when Abbey gets better we will do this or that. I don’t think that Abbey is going to get better. I cannot say these things to my wife because I don’t believe them. If Abbey’s tumor could be resected, or if Abbey was a candidate for transplant then I might be able to view things more positively.

Abbey and I have met with a couple of different in home caregivers recently. We are wanting to have someone here in the house that can help out a bit. The first company had a great phone interview but was lacking at the in person interview. We met with the second company today and they seem great. We called off a third interview as we had made our decision with the company from today.

We are going to have someone here 7 days a week. I am going to get back in the office at least twice a week to start and work from home the other days.

Honey just got sick again. I am going to take a break and we are going to watch some of true blood season 1.

Hey, I am hanging in there. Things are tougher now than they have been. I broke down and shed a lot of tears yesterday…at least three different times. I did not get much sleep previous to last night. Both my parents and Abbey’s parents are helping out. My mom came over and stayed with us yesterday. My dad is helping the only way he knows how…he and I will talk serious about Abbey, then move to work topics, and then he goes down to the basement and works on the darkroom a little bit.

Abbey’s dad is having a very tough time of things. Even though he may not realize it he gives Abbey strength every time he comes by. Abbey is an only child and her dad was an only child. Both of his parents died from cancer so I am sure that is making things tough for him too.

We have had some family from out of town come by to visit. It is great to see them but I can also see how they look at Abbey. My aunt and cousin had not seen the two of us for over a year at least and over that time Abbey has lost her hair twice (her head is shaved right now), she has lost a lot of fat in her face and her upper body and she looks very different than she did. I saw that look in my aunt’s eye of “holy sh*t” when she saw Abbey. I see Abbey every day so I am used to it (it is still difficult though to see how much she has changed).

I have only been to work once in the past 3 weeks (as you know most of that time was in the hospital). Luckily my boss is very understanding as his wife went through cancer treatment recently as well. My boss and I have talked about me being able to work from home, how much vacation time I have, and the family leave act.

I think right now the most difficult thing to think about is when to move Abbey to hospice. Her cancer is not going to go away…the “cure” for her cancer is for a surgeon to go in and carve it out…based on where the cancer is, that is not an option…we have looked at liver transplant and that is not an option…so now we are having to deal with something we have been putting off for quite a while.

So really I am doing ok….emotionally sensitive…sad…mad…frustrated….and I think angry at times. Abbey and I are very lucky to have such good friends and family though to help out.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers and hugs.

Pete

We have made our way back home after another trip to the hospital. Honey is feeling better and is able to eat.