"We are here to celebrate the marriage of one Nathan Torkington and one Jenine Abarbanel. We have each known of these people, both alone and together, and some have partaken of them. All present can reliably witness to their existence as true and genuine human beings, and not as cabbages or something.
"Let us now pause for ten seconds to reflect on our memories of them. As we witness the vowing of their consummation, let us consider how deeply this momentous occasion strikes each of us personally. When individual differences are set aside by use of the magic medium called The Internet, where we subsume our personalities in playacted behavior and multiple nom-de-nets, we realize that it does, indeed, require physical remoteness for many of us to truly loose our inhibitions and through the distance it places between us, we open our souls to each other and find out who we are.
"gnat and j.j were each brought into the world without knowledge of the other, yet their own twisted needs drew them inexorably together and the mysterious forces of the world led to their meeting online. Does this represent to us hope for our future as symbols of how mankind's works can serve to cross vast barriers and bring together people, or does it invite the pity we must shed on those too withdrawn to successfully seek companionship in the arms of those within reach? Let us now pause for a moment to reflect, but not too much, on these possibilities.
"Brother Strychnine, please deliver the homily...."
The homily was read, verbatim, as heehoo wrote it for the February, online wedding.
"Okay, now. if we can have a moment's silence, PLeASE!"
"We live at a time when little in life is considered sacred. One thing must remain so, however. That is and shall be an agreement between two people. Today we celebrate a sacred agreement between the two of you.
"We congratulate you on the journey of your lives, on the strength and courage it has taken each of you to make your way together to this place. Our time is beset with problems, and your marriage can be a refuge from them, but not an escape from them. You will need to share each others' strength, not to exclude the world, but to struggle with it and include it within the bonds of your love.
"We are all gathered here, relatives and friends, to witness and uphold you in this marriage. This is not an easy thing to you, and our presence here is our pledge to accept your love and strengthen you in it.
"If anyone has any reasons for objecting to this marriage, on any grounds, speak out now or forever keep your peace.
"We will now begin the exchange of vows.
"Jenine, do you take this man Nat to be your lawfully wedded husband and your one true love, to love, honor cherish and obey him, to stand by him for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, to cleave to him without forsaking him as long as you both shall live?"
j.j thinks, "obey?" and then says, "i do."
"Nat, do you take this woman Jenine to be your lawfully wedded wife and your one true love, to love, honor cherish and obey her, to stand by her for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, to cleave to her without forsaking her as long as you both shall live?"
gnat says, "i do."
"WE come to the exchanging of rings.
"These rings symbolize your commitment to each other, binding you together as one forever, as the ring is curved into an endless circle."
gnat places the ring on j.j's finger, saying "this ring symbolises my committment to gratify your every desire, to stay with you through thick and thin regardless of the misery you put me through, and to anticipate your every need and whim with the aid of the psychic gifts you obviously expect me to have.
j.j places the ring on nat's finger and says, "this ring symbolizes my promise to always be here for you whenever you need me. and i promise to do my best not to make your life a living hell, as happens so often when two perfectly happy people decide to ruin everything by getting married."
"By the power invested in me as Pope of the church of the Subgenius in Paradise, I now pronounce you husband and wife."