in 1991 i learned how to ski. i thought this was just the NEATEST thing. see, i was raised poor, and skiing is a rich man's sport. so, once i graduated college and got a Real Job(tm), i decided it was time. i learned to ski with my friends from talk.bizarre

well, almost one year later, i was skiing at mammoth with my friends from work. it was sunday, right before lunch. i was skiing with two other people down a crowded, intermediate run, the name of it escapes me, but it's right under lift 2. anyway, we were goofing off, and i wasn't paying enough attention to the task at hand. one last run before lunch, right?

the next thing i new, i had planted the toe of my left ski into a mogul, and was thrown up and over. the binding did not release and my knee was twisted a way it was never meant to go. the pain was intense, and i screamed. my friends were ahead of me and didn't hear me fall. another girl stopped to see if i was ok. i didn't know. i got the ski off and stood up. it hurt like hell, but i wasn't bleeding or anything. i thought i was ok, i put the ski back on and skiied off. the injured knee wouldn't take any weight. somehow i got down, pretty much always skiing in one direction, on my right leg. good thing it was a wide run.

once to the bottom, i consulted with my friends, what to do? i was hurting, but not seriously incapacitated. this is one of those times when a high pain threshold is NOT a good thing. we took the lift back up to mid-chalet where we were meeting everyone else for lunch. i was crying. the end result was i skiied myself one-legged back down to the truck where i waited for everyone else to finish their day skiing (no REALLY, this is ALL TRUE).

the next day i went to a doctor at kaiser permanente, my medical provider. the general practitioner there said, "soft tissue damage. don't ski."

that's it. no referral to an orthopedist, nothing. and what the hell did i know? i'd never even HEARD of an anterior cruciate ligament. and besides, that, i believed i was invincible. soft tissue damage sounded reasonable.

so i rehabbed my knee hard for a couple of months, and spent the summer hiking and backpacking, even a try at waterskiing. i thought i was ok. in the winter i went back to kaiser and asked them to take another look at it, was i ok to ski? they said, "sure."

a year and a half later i was laid off from my job at northrop and went back to grad school. our first winter in colorado we went skiing in crested butte for three days. the third day i fell and my knee got a little swollen. nothing like that first accident, just a little tender. my boyfriend says, "hey, why don't you go to the health center at school and talk to a real doctor?" so i did.

when the orthopedist in the student clinic told me i was missing an ACL i didn't believe him. "what do you mean ACL damage? how much damage?" "its gone." "gone gone?" "gone gone." i thought there must be some mistake, how could i have been skiing for two years on a knee with no ACL? that's ridiculous! so i went and got a second opinion. same answer.

so here i am, no ACL, no insurance. failed by the HMO which i had trusted with my health without questioning. no recourse against them, who's to say i didn't damage the knee later? stuck. how much for the surgery? oh, about $10,000. i can get a little help from the local hospital, but not all, since my graduate fellowship actually puts me ABOVE their income limit.

it's been a year since i found out about the torn ligament. i've been putting off dealing with it, refusing to accept it in my reality. but i can notice the degradation in it now. it hurts more often, goes out more often. i fear the additional damage being done to the irreparable meniscus. time to do something. and i am.