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Doughnut Holes by Zach 

The other day I started craving doughnuts, which is pretty typical for me.  But, like the rest of America, I’m watching my weight, so I decided a nice doughnut hole would be good.  After a few minutes of careful thought, I realized that not only have I not had one in a while, I have been forced to not having any because they aren’t available any more! 

After I woke up from the heart attack I had after I realized that fact. I started to wonder why doughnut holes have suddenly become virtually extinct in Fort Collins.  I used to be able to get them at the old Dunkin Donuts store downtown, but it no longer exists.  I also haven’t seen them prominently displayed at the grocery stores, either.  And we all know that this food product definitely deserves to be in a glass case that can only be opened 2 ways: 1) The well-paid manager of the doughnut hole department uses his key, or 2) By a hammer in a case that says “Only use in the case of a big fat guy is running around in the supermarket with a weapon because his blood-sugar is really low so he has to eat something right now or else he’ll eat everything else in the store including the employees.” 

And it’s not like doughnut holes are that hard to make.  I think there should be a resurgence of doughnut holes, because I know at least I’ll be happy.

Milky Way vs. 3 Musketeers by Zach 

The question: Are 3 Musketeers a good deal, or are Milky Way’s a rip off?  As you may know, 3 Musketeers and Milky Way’s are the same price.  But Milky Way’s are significantly smaller than 3 Musketeers are. 

Now, you may automatically think that the reason is because Milky Way’s have caramel and 3 Musketeers don’t.  Although that may be true, do really want to give up that much candy bar just so you can have a thin layer of caramel?  I could understand the contrast between Snickers and 3 Musketeers, because Snickers have caramel and peanuts.  But Milky Way only has caramel.  And I’m not really sure I like having the caramel interfering with the nougat.  Nougat by itself is great. 

BEST SPORT by Zach 

Across the world, hundreds of different “sports” are played everyday.  But only one of those can be considered “The Best Sport in the World”.

Let’s start with the major sports.  Baseball is not the world’s best sport, because not only are most of the players on steroids, a lot of them still stink anyway.  They get paid millions and millions of dollars to run around in a circle and end up going back where they started.  And most of the time they get injured doing that task. 

Basketball is not the world’s best sport, either.  In basketball, you try to throw the ball through a hoop just so that it’ll come back out and you have to do it all over again.  And also, basketball is a repetitious sport.  All they ever do is run around with the ball, look intimidating, show off your tattoos to the crowd, run up, and dunk.  They do this for 4 15 minute quarters!  Also, players are getting drafted straight out of high school, and get scouted by the NBA as early as freshman in high school.  Pretty soon, babies across America will have “Watch this move!” or  “Don’t even try to stop me!” as their first words.

Football and hockey are the easiest to cancel out.  In football, you have players that would rather do drugs than play the sport.  That obviously means the sport stinks.  In hockey, you have the powers-at-be arguing whether or not they should play.  It might just be me, but I think the world’s best sport shouldn’t have to be argued about.

Other sports not worthy: 1) Soccer: I don’t want to see grown men celebrate to the extreme after every goal, but I guess they have to, because there’s hardly ever any scoring… 2) Bowling: Any sport that you can play just as good intoxicated as you can sober, obviously doesn’t take much skill. 3) Golf: Have you ever watched golf on TV?  It doesn’t ever look like they are having fun (or wait, is that just Tiger Woods?). 4) Tennis: Are those screams of agony, boredom, pain, defeat, or all of the above? 5) Any other sport (the rest are even too dull to pick on).

So that leaves one sport.  The one sport that is exciting, skillful, and fun.  Poker.  That’s right, you heard me, poker.  Before you turn the page thinking “well, that was much ado about nothing” just hear me out.  There has never been a poker “lockout”.  No poker player has ever been caught “juicing up his cards” and no poker player has ever been accused of using an overdose of botox to help that poker face.  The players aren’t overpaid, and they don’t get attention during high school by ESPN for being the “Next Doyle Brunson”.  No, poker has no pre-Madonnas or people who should be in jail.  Poker is a good, fun, wholesome American sport that deserves credit.  I’m giving that credit, and so should you.

Email your opinions or your own attempts at articles to chubs323@frii.com